Why can't I just be happy??
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| Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:34am |
I'm my own worst enemy now more than ever before. I can't help but cry as I write this; I feel so desperate for an answer. Why doesn't the Goddess listen to me anymore?? Why won't She help me? I'm so unhappy; I feel as if I have no soul. My body's just a shell that takes me from A to B. It doesn't feel as if my heart should be beating anymore. Sometimes I wish I could die and leave all this unhappiness behind. I don't feel love anymore. I barely remember how wonderful it is. I don't show love for my SO anymore, even though I know deep inside I love him. The sadness that has posessed me for so long is tearing me into pieces, and destroying my relationship. What have I done to deserve this melancholy?? I hate myself for who I am: I'm such a bad person. I treat my SO like he's the worst thing in the world, and I look at myself in the mirror and I get angry at what I see. He doesn't deserve the hurt I put him through. He needs someone who will treat him properly, and right now I just can't do that.
Gods bless you if you have any words of comfort or support. I'm so helpless.

Oh, my. I'm so sorry that things seem and feel so bad. I'm so new to this community myself, but the words of encouragement and at times gentle suggestions have been wonderful. That you're posting here is a real positive in your favor; you haven't thrown the towel in and seem to really want things to change. I can't offer any wisdom or solutions, but I can offer my sincere support and understanding.
MelloE
Hi there, ***HUGS*** I know the feeling, and I know the black hole all too well. Its a fascinating & terrifying place. Im glad that you found us because you are taking a step to reach out and change how you are feeling. I recently made a post about not feeling happy...I dont know how much it relates to you but it might help:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-bhdepression&msg=46477.1&ctx=128
I know it can be hard to treat others well when we are feeling so bad, but today can you do something, tell him how special he is ok :D You are a great person, but he probably doesnt understand whats going on so a few kind words & telling him how you are feeling could make everything brighter for both of you. Take care
I can't thank you two enough for replying so kindly. I've been hoping someone would understand and be compassionate.
At the end of the day I know that my depression isn't a hormonal phase of some kind. I have suffered with this for far too long, so something must definitely be wrong. Imbalanced chemicals, unlceansed chakras or whatever; I want a solution, and if the only happiness I can experience is artificial unhappiness then I'm prepared to see a doctor and find some kind of relief.
My SO says I have a wonderful laugh, and that he'd love to hear it more. By the end of this year I will laugh genuinely for him. Knowing I've made someone else happy by doing something so simple will probably make me feel happier too.
Gods bless.