Feeling lost...don't know what to do....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Feeling lost...don't know what to do....
14
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 11:25am

My son (14yrs) has lived away from me for almost two years. He went and lived with his biological father for about a year (which was one big disaster). He was going to move back with me but my depression was so bad I felt it would be better if maybe he lived with my sister in Toronto. I ended up giving custody of my son to my sister :o(. I'm pretty sure he hates me now but he was getting in all sorts of trouble and I felt he could have a better life with my sister as she has so much more to offer than I do. The problem is he wants me to come up to Toronto this weekend and stay for a week, I have such a hard time just getting myself out of the house without having a panic attack. I've tryed to explain it to him but he doesnt understand, I don't expect him to understand he is only 14, I guess he just wants his mommy. How do I deal with this? how do I get rid of the guilt I feel? how do I make him understand? I'm just lost and don't know what to do :o(. Please help!!!!!

Donna

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 1:49pm
((((((((((((Donna))))))))))))))) As the mother of two kids, I can understand the pain you must be feeling. I'm not sure I have any good advice for you. Just keep loving your DS. He is still young and not able to process what you are going through I'm sure. Hopefully one day he will understand that you did what you thought was best for him. (((((((((((((Huge Hugs))))))))))

Ting 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 7:59pm

((((Donna))) I wish I could tell you the best course of action, but I really don't know what to tell you. 14 is in some ways more grown up than we think. Heck it is more grown up than we would like to admit. LOL

But can you arrange for him to come and stay and avoid going out?? Just a thought.

I have a 14 year old neice and I wonder if she could handle it. She could, her mother (my older sister) would have a cow, however.

I wish I had better advice, but you have always been so sweet to me, so I figured I try.

Sorry for my lame post.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
Co-CL Depression Support

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 10:31pm

(((((Donna))))), I wish I could think of anything to say to help you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 10:15am

Dear Donna,

I know that this is not easy for you. But I know you can work through this. I think first you have to open up to your son about your depression and anxiety. set up a time when the two of you can speak. Give him a brief explanation of how your depression stops you from doing what you want most( seeing him) and tell him what you are doing to get through this. Are you taking medication or seeing a Therapist? tell these things to your son. You don't have to give too much detail but let him know you are working earnestly to change things.

Then let him ask any and all questions he can think of. Tell the truth about how your panic feels. Do not let your guilt stop you from telling him. Then asks him what he feels let him express his hurt,anger and panic (trust me he is panicked too!)

Then make a plan of babysteps perhaps phone calls and emails several times a week. Then maybe he can come to you for a day or a weekend. Then maybe you will be able to visit for a short period of time. (It will be easier once you are not so afraid of how he might react)try to set goals without committing to specific dates until you are ready.

He may never fully understand but, your communication with him will help him feel less uncertain and safer.

I hope this helps,
Judi

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 4:03pm

Dear Donna,

I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. How far are you from TO? Could you try it out and see how long you are able to stay? Could you instead make plans for him to visit YOU for a week when he's off school for Christmas? It's only a few weeks away.

Sorry, I don't really know what to say. I'm feeling pretty awful myself these days, so can't be too supportive.

I hope you all find a solution.

Love, Nicola

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 5:28pm

Donna,

I dont have a whole lot of time here I am about to leave work for the night but maybe just maybe this is what you need maybe you going to see your son will help you feel better help you smile and help you enjoy life again..
My son Jakob lives with his dad in Arizona I am in Connecticut I wish I could just get in the car and drive to him in a few hours but I cant and I know that when I see Jakob he makes my life so much better granted he is 6 not 14 but still he is a kid a boy just like your is..I think that sometimes opportunity has a strange way of knocking on our doors telling us that it is time to move to get motivated and live..
not saying that you arent living your life but in a way being a depressive is exactly that not living dont let this illness you have get the best of you and take it all away from you..try to mayb just a small try but at least try to go and see your son I know for myself if I cant see Jakob when asked to visit I feel so bad and I regret not going please dont regret not seeing your son..cause you never know this could be the start of something great for you..
good luck to you hun..
Please take care of you
Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 12:55pm

kitties,

kitties,

i'm sorry, but i felt your message was a little rough...i don't think donna is at all neglecting her son...and i also don't feel like she is giving in to her depression. Depression is debilitating to some people, even those of us on medications. I usually on lurk here, but I always read most every post and i just don't think donna needed to hear that. she was looking for support, and not someone preaching at her when they really have no idea at all about what they are talking.

donna,

i'm sorry...you're okay, hon. keep in mind that only YOU know how YOU feel and nobody else does. your son is where he is because you KNOW that is where he is better off. You made that decision, and while it was hard, it was extremely brave of you to make...you're strong, and wonderful. Everything, no matter what you decide, is going to be okay.

Hugs,

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 4:30pm

((((((((((THANKS SO MUCH KELLY))))))))))

Thanks for the reply you made in my defense to kittiesx6, it did upset me, she has no idea what I've been through no idea at all, I would never post to anyone here in that manner or with that attitude.

I see my son almost daily on the web cam, we chat every single day and talk on the phone at least once a day, I have made sure we could have contact in everyway possible. He was here about a month ago for a night, (it was wonderful :o), I get to see him at Christmas too. I love my son so much and giving custody to my sister was the hardest decision I ever had to make, I cry everyday since the day he left, it broke my heart, but it was the right decision, my son was not getting what he really needed, I couldn't give him what he needed, I felt he deserved way more, and now he is getting the things he needs, he has great people in his life that love and care about him a great deal, he is getting out all the time now, in sports, lots of friends, doing pretty good in school, and most of all he is getting the nurturing and stability he needed so much.

Thanks so much for all the kind words Kelly, I really needed to hear it. I will probably always feel guilty for sending my son away, but I do think I made the right decision for once in my life and when he gets a little older I will explain all to him. Thanks again my friend. (((((HUGS TO YOU)))))

Donna :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 4:34pm

Thanks so much iv tngirl for the reply. HUGS.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 4:38pm

Not a lame post Lisa :o). He is supposed to be comming at Christmas, so that makes me feel better (him too). He just misses me. Thanks for the reply. (((((HUGS TO YOU))))).

Donna

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