Suicide Thoughts (Triggers)
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| Fri, 12-03-2004 - 4:49pm |
Not sure if anyone read my other posts..one was called "Dying with him and without him" and the other...I can't really remember the title, it was so long ago. But, I'm just having so many weird problems I don't know what to do.
For one, things keep seeming to get worse with my boyfriend. I feel as though I would willingly die for him and he doesn't even care to have me around anymore. You may ask, if he truly feels that then why is he still around?
Also, he walked out on me this summer, and came back so...why would he honestly not want me around if he came back to me?
I just feel...I feel like he really doesn't notice or appreciate the things I do and it's starting to make me think crazy things. I need help.
I start thinking,"Maybe I should ask him to impregnate me and then we'll break up; that way I'll still have something of him...to remember him. A child who I would love and adore with all of my heart...I had always wanted to have his children".
I feel this desperate need to do so, I don't know how to stop. I talk to my little sister about it and she thinks I'm crazy. She says I would screw up my life even more...says I would ruin my relationship with my parents, I wouldn't have enough money to support a child...
She's probably right about all these things but..I feel like something bad is going to happen. I feel as though my boyfriend IS going to vanish from my life forever, very soon..and that I NEED to have him do this last thing for me.
When I am not thinking about that, I am just thinking about suicide. Wondering how I can go about doing it without feeling pain or discomfort. I think abotu taking sleeping pills...a whole jar or two...
Or I think about carbon monoxiding myself. EVERY day...I think these thoughts because I can't bear to be away from my boyfriend. Can't bear the thought that he will never call me again or come to see me...or anything.
The thing is, it's not just a cry for attention...but a lot of it is.
It's like I'm a walking cliche...I feel i won't be remembered or even noticed unless I die or seriously injure myself.
Sometimes i even start wishing that i'll contract some deadly disease JUST so that my boyfriend will take pity on me and realize he loves me.
What else can I do to make him realize?
he used to be the one groveling at my feet, begging me to be with him..telling me i was the girl of his dreams..where did it go? Can I ever get it back?
But...it's not ONLy a cry for attention> I honestly feel like if I lose him...i'm going to die anyway...just m ore slowly and painfully...so I may as well end it myself, quicker.
What do I do?
What can I do to make him notice me again.
Or what can I do to just...........STOP THESE THOUGHTS!
Please help.

Oh sweetie, bless your heart. You're going through such a rough time. I can't understand everything that you're going through, but I can understand some of it. About two years ago my husband left me for another woman - I was only 21, and that was the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my entire life. I felt like I was going to die - I WANTED to die. I thought about suicide, I felt like I would die if I couldn't have him in my life.... so I can understand a little bit of what you're going through.
The bottem line is, in my opinion: NOBODY is worth dying for. You don't NEED anybody. I know that it may feel that way, but when it comes down to it you can make it on your own if you have to. It sounds like you've got a good relationship with your sister and your parents - talk to them, and they'll help you through this. If your boyfriend doesn't appreciate you, then it may be time to let him go. I know how hard that will be for you, but YOU are more important than he realizes. You are too important to die for him, or for anybody.
Please, please think about talking to a counselor, or calling a suicide line. If you ever want to talk, feel free to email me at txpenguin07@yahoo.com. I'm not the best support in the world, but I promise that I'll listen if you ever want to talk about anything.
Dear,
NO MAN IS WORTH YOUR LIFE. I was in a emotionally abusive relationship with a person for some time. I felt like I would die when we finally broke up. I met my husband just a few months after breaking up with my boyfriend. "There are too many fish in the sea" and "every pot has its lid" are stereotypical sayings about love but true. Believe me you will find someone better and one day never even think about this person.
DON'T HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS PERSON. Do you realize that a child deserves stability and love and a Dad if possible? You will not have a "part of your boyfriend", you will have a little individual who deserves stability and love. The child will need unconditional love and nuturing. A child is work, work, work and requires such selflessness. Please solve your own problems before having a baby.
See a therapist as soon as possible to work out these issues!!!
Good luck!!!
it's terrible to feel like the person you love most is rejecting you. I have been in a somewhat similar situation, except my guy left and married someone else right away. I thought the pain would kill me. I had used everything inside me to make myself as attractive and lovable to him.
I felt suicidal and ridiculous for feeling suicidal over a man. I knew that I wouldn't make it with the pain of the rejection, and the loss of what I thought was themost significant and deep love I'd ever felt.
I called my doctor and asked her receptionist for the names of the best therapists the doctor knew. She recommended someone who changed my life.
With the intense suicidal thoughts you are having, you desperately need to be in therapy.
Remember, if you try to kill yourself, this man will just think you are pathetic. He will be happy that he has created distance from you. Do you think that trying to kill yourself will get you closer to anyone? It will not. They will think you are crazy and completely different than they are.
It sounds like you and this guy have been playing the game of trying to get what you can't have. He did and said everything to get you to want him. When you did, he lost interest. The more he rejects you, the more desperately you want him. There is a book that helps explain this phenomenon. It is called "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. It is incredible. You would benefit from reading it.
Only you can help yourself get better. I know you are in agonizing pain right now. But the ways that you are trying to get attention will not get you the kind of attention that you want. They will get you a reputation as crazy, desperate, and unappealing. I know that this isn't how you want to be seen. This guy doesn't sound like someone who would be more attracted to someone just because they are desperate and in pain over him. Who would want to be with someone because they felt the person would kill themselves otherwise? I don't know anyone who would be with someone for that reason.
Please call your doctor to get a therapist referral right away! You are the only one who can take the steps to end this pain. I finally had to do it for myself because I realized that he was never going to say the things that would help me. He was never going to save me. He wanted me only when he couldn't have me. And he liked having me there. Does that sound familar? Do you really want to devote your life to someone who doesn't care about? Who only uses you when it's convenient?
I've since learned that the guy I was so desperate about emotionally abused his wife, got her pregnant, emotionally abuse her some more, to the point that she was calling his mother crying every single day. Then he dumped her at the curb at airport to send her and her child back to Columbia (where he had found her), and sped away. If I'd gotten him, would have been me who was abused and left.
Lastly, please don't bring a child into this world for this reason. A child will not be a piece of the man who contributes the sperm. The child would be an individual person, who is neither of you.
Every child deserves parents who are emotionally and financially stable. I'm a therapist for women on welfare. If you don't have the stability for your child, the child will suffer for the rest of his or her life. Don't have a child out of desperation. You will visit a lifetime of pain onto yourself and the child. If you are suicidal over a man, you are in no position to give a child stable love and guidance.
Please seek help and don't do anything out of desperation.
The 24 hour suicide hotline is: (800) SUICIDE. You can call them for more guidance.
You are the only one with control over your life.
Good Luck,
MariaC