Emotions Run Amuck
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| Fri, 12-03-2004 - 7:23pm |
I am not sure how to describe my emotional state so that you will understand what it is that I am feeling but here goes. I have been in a constant state of stress for about five and a half to six year now. For those of you, that may remember me and for those of you that do not, I am the person that sold their home of seventeen years to build a new home. I lived with my in-laws for almost five years and have two small children. We had to move out to the property to protect our investment because someone broke into the house and pumphouse three times. We have been in the trailer house seven months now and we are still not finished with the house. It has been hard living in the trailer with two small children and looking out at a house that is unfinished and wishing that it would just get finished soon. I was also without a computer until yesterday. Therefore, I have not been able to post for those seven months.
With that said, my state of mind is not so good. I feel like I am constantly in the fight or flight mod. Everything is a crisis no matter what it is. The children wet their pants and I feel like a failure, I forgot to feed the dog and I feel guilt for days. I feel like a bundle of nerves. If the children make a load sound unexpectedly I jump and get mad at them. I feel like I am constantly yelling at them. I know that I should take time for myself but I cannot because I have no one to baby-sit. My husband works long hours so the children and I are alone for long hours. There is no money for me to treat myself and it is very frustrating to call my husband and find out that his dad has take him to lunch. I was taking the children to a local indoor park place but they were always getting sick and the thing was so unorganized. The other mothers were so clickes it was hard to talk to them. We do go to the library at least once a week but the little one like to talk to everyone and I do not find time to look for books myself. I have a set of five novels and I have read them at least seven times. Nothing interest me at this time, I do not know if that is caused by the fact that I do not what to be disappointed by anything. I have had so much disappointment lately that I am afraid to feel. I dislike the feeling of being disappointed. I am miserable and I do not know what to do. I do not feel like I can invite anyone over because the only place that we can sit a visit is the trailer and it is to small for that. I can not find anything to keep my mind off of the house and I am so afraid that when the house is finished I will have been so far remove from everything that I will not enjoy it.
I wish that I could find someone that could stop by several times a week for tea and some conversation. I think that that would help. I have met some other mothers with young children and have visited their homes. However, it is only been the once. If we happen to bump into that person, again they always say that they wanted to call. I know that they all have busy family lives and it is hard to find time to entertain. I can not in turn ask them over because there is no way all of us would fit into the trailer and if the children wanted to play, we would be in a real pickle. Therefore, here I sit trying to find something to keep me busy.
I am not sure how to end this post, as I reread it sounds so pathetic. I am mentally rung out and I think I will go find one of my books and reread it for the eight time.
Warm Regards to All,
RainydaysArgon

HI, not sure what to say, but just wanted you to know someone read your post and cares about you.
Can you get some inlaws to babysit so you can have time at the library to brouse for some books you like to read?
Those other mothers you mentioned, call and suggest you meet at Mcdonalds even, you guys drink tea and the kids play in their playground area.
I know for me, my therapist had to give me the assignment to ask someone to lunch, my first one I did lunch with, was a failure in my book, that was the LONGEST lunch ever. Then I tried someone else, that was a scheduling nightmare and we could never get away from the same times at lunchtime, then I asked this one lady from Alanon, I even offered to pay for her lunch since I asked her out, I thought it went well, and waited for her to suggest we go again, she didn't, but instead of feeling rejected, I just asked her out again, and we are still going out to lunch almost 10 months later, and most weeks, it does take me asking, when can you do lunch next week, but I figure that is better than waiting for her to ask.
Not sure what I am saying here, but take care of yourself and I hope things brighten up somehow for you. hugs, Josie.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Welcome Back Rainy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
We have missed you, and I have been thinking of you.
Hello Trac,
I am sorry that I have taken so long to respond but I was unable to get to the computer the last couple of days. I was so glad to see that you had responded. The nearest McDonalds is 30 min away. However, maybe if I go every other week it would not be so hard on the pocket book. I like you suggestion of thinking outside the box and if you have any more suggestions I sure would like to here them. The garage is finished but it is full of equipment of my husbands therefore it would be unsafe for us to be down there. However another thought is we could put the lawn chairs upstairs? Yet again, there are equipment and stuff that can not be disturbed there too. I may just have to wait until the house is finished to have anyone over.
I feel like I have been in a box for a long time and I need to find a way of braking out. The house is near completions so it will not be too much longer but I think with the Holidays so nearby, I am feeling lonelier than normal. I have not had a Christmas in my own home in six years and we are not going to be able to have much of a Christmas here at the new place. I find that I am unable to find happiness in anything that I am doing. I can not sew, work on flowers or do any craft thing here yet (all of my things are being stored either at my parents or at his) and I think that not being creative has really hurt me, if that makes any scents. This has been the biggest challenge that I have ever faced and I feel that I am failing miserably. I would not wishes this on my worst enemy (if I ever had one).
It was so good to hear from you I have missed not being able to post and I am glad to have the computer back. Hope all is well with you.
With Warm Regards,
RainydaysArgon
P.S. Husband is not available to baby-sit until he is finished with the house. In-laws work all week and are here or at one of my husbands sisters places helping them out too on weekends