Everything's Going Wrong
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| Mon, 12-06-2004 - 3:38pm |
I don't know what to do. Everything seems to be going down hill right now. I found out that I'm pregnant, but I can't keep the baby because I'm too young and wouldn't be able to afford it. My parents don't know, so I can't talk to them about it (I've had an abortion before and I know my parents would be disappointed in me). All I can think of is what the baby would look like and how I could be celebrating it's first Christmas with it next year and how amazing it would be to have a gorgeous baby. Then things aren't going too well with my boyfriend. We were engaged, but I lied about things that didn't even matter and we took a break for a week or so and now things are a lot different. I don't know how to make things better. He's the man of my dreams and I just keep messing everything up. I haven't been getting much sleep lately either and I'm sooo tired. All I can think of right now is going home and sleeping when I get off work. I fell asleep at 9:30 last night and still am exhausted. When I spend the night at my boyfriend's, he stays up pretty late which would be fine if I wasn't exhausted, but then I whine so much and bitch so much at him because he's keeping me up that I make him miserable too and we fight so much lately. I don't feel like I'm asking much, but then when he sits me down and tells me how bothered he is by my whining, I realize what I'm actually doing. I bought a few books last night. "Taming Your Inner Brat", "Radical Honestly", and another book on Co-Dependency issues. I am co-dependent. My life revolves around him. If something goes wrong with us, I can't concentrate on anything else but trying to make things better. I can't focus at work, on friends, family, anything. I don't have any hobbies of my own...my hobbies are pretty much hanging out with him. I don't have many friends here, they're all off to college. I don't want to be co-dependent. I'm not happy. I don't want to lie to him about stupid things that aren't even important (basically I lied to him about how much money I was making at work because I wanted him to be more proud of me than he already is). I've never cheated on him so it's not like I'm lying about something that will hurt him. I just lie about stupid things all the time and I'm trying my best to get out of that habit. I haven't lied for a couple of weeks which been something that I had to really think about doing. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm depressed, or if things are just going wrong at the moment, but nothing can make me happy lately. More and more things just keep building up on top of one another and I can't seem to get to that happy level again. When I'm driving by myself, all I can think about it how everything's going wrong and where to even begin to start to fixing things. I want to change myself for the better, but I don't even know how to start. I want him to be proud of me for the things that I actually do. Does anyone know what could be wrong with me and where I should start with fixing things?? If anyone has any advice, please reply. Thank you so much.

Well, the first thing I would ask myself if I were you is: "Why do I keep getting pregnant?" "Should I look for another type/more effective form of birth control?" Deprovera given in shots lasts three months and is about as effective as the pill. Also, does your fiance take any responsibility for birth control. HE SHOULD given that you cannot assume he is faithful to you and may have sexually transmitted diseases. Are you subconciously trying to get pregnant?
I also think you should seek counseling. You need to have a life beyond your fiance. I have been married for some time and my entire life does not revolve around my husband. I take a trip every year with my sister, I try and do things with friends at least twice a month, my husband plays poker with his friends and also takes a vacation without me almost every year, etc. You need a strong sense of self and high esteem as well. You are very young, so you have so much time to get everything right. Just start thinking of ways of protecting yourself (literally and figuratively) and ask yourself if a relationship with a guy that makes you this crazy worth it? You may very well decide that he is not worth your sanity.
Good luck.