Fed up with myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Fed up with myself
3
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 10:01am


Hi Ladies,

All I seem to want to do lately is sleep. (well, I do go to work sometime too) I have problems concentrating. I am not keeping up with housework or work work. I am ruminating about all my worries constantly. (ie should I adopt, can I handle all my work responsibilities forever without crashing, why I don't have the superwoman energy I used to have....) Ugh Ugh Ugh. I am so fed up with myself. I started therapy again to deal with these issues. I just want to shake myself and say "get over it". I used to be so strong. My therapist says I am "very stable" whatever that means. How can I look competent to the rest of the world when I am such a mess inside?

Everything is bothering me lately. I had to go to a Christmas party where a friend of my husband was. I really dislike this person. He is childish and rude. He was rude to me again. Granted I am also at the party with some friends of my husbands I really like but I am concentrating on the negative friend totally and feel horrible. (forget that this friend of my husband does not get up to give his very pregnant wife his seat and makes her stand and I am taking it personally because he is rude to me!!) I even got emotional yesterday because I caught a client in an out and out lie. I got very upset and even cried at home. Well, duh, in several years of practicing law, I have been lied to plenty. Why do I suddenly take it so personally.

I am so mad at myself for letting these little things bother me so much!

S.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 5:40pm
bump I am a little disappointed no one has responded given that I try to answer many posts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 8:26pm

Hey Selena -


Sorry it took me so long to get to your post. Now that I'm feeling better (at least for now), I'm trying to be there for the rest of you who are going through tougher times, since everyone, you included, have been so helpful to me.


You know, most of my best friends are lawyers! I guess lawyers and doctors sort of complement each other. Hanging around other doctors makes me crazy - all they want to do is talk about medicine! And one more thing before I dive into your post - what is the reference to artemis for? you may have answered it already in previous posts - just curious because i named one of my cats artemis (I know, goddess of the hunt, a sign of strength maybe???)


OK, on that note - I TOTALLY identify with the looking/acting competent on the outside while feeling insecure/like a mess on the inside. In one sense, I think it sort of goes with the territory if you are in touch with your feelings. Most professionals put up a good front, and who knows what goes on in their heads? I used to think everyone around me had it all together, that I was the only one who was crazy on the inside - until I did a little group therapy, went to Al-Anon, AA, etc and found out most people feel that way.


A couple of thoughts. Does the change of season affect you? I definitely get more

peace and love,

just_a_big_kid

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 11:27pm

Thanks, Sue!!

I think the weather does affect my mood tremendously. I do see a psychiatrist and I am on zoloft. Medicine helps but only so far. My psychiatrist also suggested lights. Sounds like a good idea that I will follow through with. I also know I need to exercise more.
I think the holidays are bothering me. My in laws are coming in from out of town and I know I will be cleaning the house from top to bottom. Ugh. I just restarted therapy literally. I have my second session this week. I hope that helps too. (ironically, my psychiatrist didn't think I needed more therapy. ) I have fought depression for eighteen years. I wish I knew some easy answer to make it go away.

I have managed to have a pretty career and a solid marriage. Sometimes I wonder how I have done it. I tend to be stubborn which helps. However, I just haven't been able to rid my self of that periodic "black dog" as Winston Churchill used to call depression.

Artemis and Selena are dual goddesses in Greek mythology. Artemis has a twin Apollo. Apollo is also Helios, god of the sun. Artemis is also Selene, goddess of the moon.
So that is where my screen name comes from.

Thanks for being there. I have read and admired your courage in posts. Dealing with all you have including your partner's death is very, very hard.

S.