Giving up

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Giving up
5
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 6:27pm

Hello all, new to this site. I feel like I am falling apart and don't know how to fix it. I have been seeing a therapist and taking medication for over a year. For a while things seemed to improve and pick up, but now... well I am falling deeper into the pit. I am actually scared of myself at the moment. All I do is think about death & dying. Maybe I am just lazy, but I am so tired of the daily fight to try and be "normal". My mornings start out ok but gradually slide downwards towards the end of the day. The only one who really knows about my depression is my therapist. I don't feel that I can trust anyone with my real feelings. I have a nice big wall built up around me. Every morning I put on the happy strong person mask and come to work. But, I can't do it anymore. It hurts too much and I just can't focus or concentrate at work. I just can't function anymore... anyone with suggestions or hugs?

Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
In reply to:
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 7:04pm

Hi Anne--

I was moved by your posting today because I have felt the same way you feel today many, many times. I have learned to not be so hard on myself..to not beat myself up for being depressed..to remind myself that this is an illness and that it is NOT mind over matter.. to know that this too shall pass..maybe today or maybe tomorrow or maybe next week, but it will..to know "that which we resists persists" and to let myself just be with my depression...to honor it as part of my life experience no matter how much I hate it.

I am 50 years old and have been depressed since my teens. I've been on medication for 15+ years. I still feel the stigma of being depressed and having to take medication for it...but so what? I have friends who have no idea what I'm going through. I cling to the ones who know exactly how I'm feeling. Yes, it's hard to function at work some days. Just do the best you can. That's all anyone can expect. It's what you tell yourself that is the most damaging. Please, love yourself.

My heart goes out to you. Know that you are not alone (and you are NOT lazy!) love to you, marbrit

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 8:30pm

I know how you feel as well. Things are just now starting to pick up for me because of medication and meditation. I don't know what to say to make it better except that I know where you're coming from. I will say an extra prayer for you. Please email me at mcduenas@gmail.com if you want to talk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
In reply to:
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 8:35pm

((((Anne))))


Don't give up! I have felt that way on numerous occasions and between dealing with the "difficult" issues in therapy and tinkering with the medication, they have always passed. Not necessarily on my time, but they have passed.

peace and love,

just_a_big_kid

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
In reply to:
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 10:46pm

(((((Anne))))), let's start with some big Irish (((((hugs))))), because hugs always help.


I think all of us have experienced some variation of what you're describing.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 1:12pm

All:

Thank you to everyone that replied to me. I think I feel better that there are others out there who understand what I am up against. I thank you all for letting me come here and talk about something that is hard to talk about. It feels like a huge weight was lifted when I said those words. Constantly holding things in and having that internal struggle is hurting me. I am going to see the doctor today and going to try and be honest with him about what is going on. I was at the point last night I felt like checking myself into the hospital... but then I was afraid they would never let me out. I have been looking into other "group treatment" programs but having a hard time finding anything around me. Well, there are a few, but I would have to give up an arm & a leg to pay for it. I feel like I have so many other issues to deal with that I won't fit in anywhere... why must life be so complicated? Who the hell cares about algebra, what about the lesson on life? Today I am feeling ok, but this is about the time things start sliding for me. I wish I could talk myself out of it, but my depression takes over and the negative thoughts and feelings are in full gear. Thanks again for letting me join this little "family"

Xoxo
anne