This tight feeling in my chest

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
This tight feeling in my chest
2
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 11:57pm

I've been reading ivillage sporatically and I find that it's helpful to see in other people's words and thoughts, of what I am feeling inside and what others can not understand. Maybe you can offer some advice to me?

I hope this doesn't turn into a mountainous spew of nothingness, but here goes.

This past year has been nothing but pure hell and the years preceeding that were only previews. I had visited three therapists in this one year alone and had gone on Zoloft all but three months or so. I am a quitter. I never gave myself a chance with any of the three therapists, let alone the meds. I realized through this past year (and from seeing these therapists), that I have been living with depression and did not know it. I've always thought that it was just 'a time in your life' that I wasn't satisfied with. But how many 'time in your life's do you have?? There are times when I did feel happy but it felt so artificial and short-lived.

During this year and last, I had fallen for someone whom I have become obsessed with. I had only dated him for 9 months at most but I felt he was perfect to me (I didn't say perfect for me). I was crushed when he broke it off because we didn't click. My heart is broken even now. Before that, I could not trust myself to love another guy because I could not love myself enough to believe that someone would. Through the years since the beginning of highschool, I always felt insecure and ugly. I never dated anyone for more than a month. I always ran away and always the one to break things off when things went well. So in order for myself to fix my ugliness, I turned to changing my exterior and I guess I must have forgotten about ME. I feel pretty at age 29 and could always pass for 24 or so. I got myself braces to fix my overbite when I was able to afford it and this past January, I had lost 20lbs in one month (it was from the depression). But though guys I meet recently tell me I'm beautiful and cute and blah blah, I flinch. I know that in their eyes, it MAY be true but it seems so hard to believe it. Even if I do agree at some points that I have made a vast improvement from years ago.

I come from an Asian background where though we are tight in our responsibility towards each other, we are not close in heart. Still, I know they all care about me. I graduated college, work in finance and go out with my friends. Everything seems normal on the surface and, frankly, boring. So boring in fact, I don't see why I'm feeling so low when all my friends live the same lives and STILL be happy, get married and have kids. I feel life is passing me by. Life is not fullfilling my need to live outside the box. But I don't know how to live outside the box and I feel like it's too late for me because this feeling in my chest won't go away. I almost hate my life and myself.

There are times that I DO feel this burst of energy where I can do something amazing (which is not really amazing, only different) but I end of quitting because I'm afraid. I'm tired of feeling like this sometimes and just want to be done with it. I read one person's post about passing by a can of paint thinner and wondering how long you'd have to inhale for it to kill you. I sat here thinking of how often I felt that way. Almost a random thought without a second's hesitation. But like many, I know in my heart that is not a choice I want to make, if it were a choice.

I went to a new therapist today and even before I sat down on the couch I already started crying. In the interim between the last therapist and this therapist, I had gone on a search for a new job and landed one - I had a big fear of interviews and I patted my back for doing a good job, I even almost got into Goldman Sachs but they were too late in calling me back (their interviews are grueling). My experience from this was that I built a huge amount of confidence in myself by pushing myself to go to these interviews and I came out satisfied. I learned that confidence does make a BIG difference in the way I feel. But after landing the job, and completing this conquest, I feel yet again unaccomplished and aimless in life (the same way I felt in college). I stayed in contact with my ex in hopes of having him eventually turning around. But I knew in my heart that if he's still around, it will only hurt me. No matter how many times I try to control my urge to contact him, it always fails. Could it be like therapy where I see him a little less and less and eventually I will lose my love for him? No, seems it will never be that way. *sigh*

Part of my benefits at my new employment was a three month probation period for health insurance. The therapist today told me that it might be best for me to continue or try different medications and go to therapy and NOT QUIT. It worries me because this going to cost a lot of $$$. I kind of wanted to delay therapy until February when my insurance kicks in but I am feeling so desperate that I know I should not wait. My friends sympathize for me, I can see it in their eyes... but I don't think they can really understand how deep this pain is cutting into me. And the worst part of it is that I can't understand where these feelings stem from. For some reason, I believe that once I find the source of my unhappiness, I can be set free.

It's either that, or someone take a stun gun and zap me in the head - maybe that would erase the pain and bad memories.

My last comment would be that sometimes my friends, and one in particular, tell me that I look for depression. That I HAVE to live with these feelings and it seems like I put it on myself to feel this way. Maybe that's my problem - but i don't see the sense in keeping these feelings voluntarily. And she's a pharmacist too...

Okay, I am done venting. Sorry for the long post...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 12:27am

Welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 10:27am

>>So boring in fact, I don't see why I'm feeling so low when all my friends live the same lives and STILL be happy, get married and have kids. I feel life is passing me by. Life is not fullfilling my need to live outside the box.<<

Hi, This part of your email reminds me of a book that I am currently reading which someone suggested to me. It's called Self-Matters by Dr. Phil. I haven't finished it yet, but it does make some good points. I really reccomend that you give it a try.