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| Thu, 12-09-2004 - 8:48am |
Hi,
I have been trying to read a few posts before saying hello. I hear you, Selena, when you say all you want to do is sleep. I work third shift and never get enough. Of course I love my bed on my nights off. But in depression, it is more being tired, wanting to go to bed and hide from the world, no motivation, and basically not caring about much of anything.
Wanted to tell Chic45 that I am dealing with pmdd as well. And my mood just plummets right before my period. The past 2 months have been so severe that I've missed 3-4 nights of work each month. And it isn't like I have sick leave left. When I am down like that, the only thing I'm thinking of is getting into bed and thinking there is no way possible I can pack all my stuff for work, take shower, drive out into the dark cold. And I think, whatever my supervisor says- I am staying home in my bed, regardless.
I realize I am not setting the best example for my children, who are 12 and 13. My son is also being treated for depression. This crappy disease runs in my family. My father, grandmother, and also my 15 year old nephew.
Last month scared me because I was also spending time in bed during the day. I don't even remember what I did those days. Going thru the motions, I guess, of picking kids up, supper, cleaining, etc. So, I saw my doctor and she increased wellbutrin to 400 mg. This past month was the same and I saw her again yesterday. This time, she increase the prozac to 40mg. And thinks if I'm taking more prozac during the month, the pmdd won't be as bad. Prior to this, I was taking prozac twice a day during pms week, as well as wellbutrin. She also has me on the following supplements: calcium, magnesium, b complex, and evening primrose. I get to alanon meetings when possible.
I have a mother who is very demanding of my time and is codependant and is not meeting me halfway. She puts people on guilt trips to try to get her point across. Everything seems to be about HER FEELINGS and when I express mine, it is always "I can't believe you have twisted what I said, you have hurt me SO much, you are like your father." etc. etc.
Last year, I was going to school 2 nights a week plus on Fridays during the day. My only night off from both work and school was a Wednesday night. She would complain and say I didn't have time for her and all she was asking for was 5 minutes. She told my sister in law- "She is always either working, or going to school, or too tired, or pms-ing. And those are just excuses." Well, they weren't excuses, they were facts.
On third shift, I find it difficult to keep up with things. I feel so overwhelmed. And tired and I hate third shift but the pay is great and the benefits. Day jobs are scarce and I cannot work 2nd shift because I would never see my kids.
So, I've gone thru a year of making it thru school to become a nail tech. There is money to be made in this business, and I think I would actually enjoy it. But instead of being truly happy for me, my mother had tried to make me feel guilty. I am not responsible for her emotional well being. Since she retired, she feels like my brother and I don't spend the same amount of time with her as when she was working. And she says she knows nobody is doing anything differently.
When my mom would do these guilt trips, it would trickle down to other areas. I would start to feel I don't do enough, I am not a good enough employee cause I am absent so much, I am not attentive enough to my children and husband. The house is not clean enough, etc. When logically, I know I did not do anything wrong, as far as my mother goes. I was simply living my life and reaching for a goal.
I made things better when I suggested her and I get together on Thursdays. And we did these for a couple weeks. But now I've recently started a job in a nail salon p/t, Thursdays and Fridays. She had plans Thursday and couldn't meet me for lunch. And Friday she wouldn't come in for a pedicure. She has already told my sister in law, she is so afraid things are going to be like they were before.
I feel she doesn't meet me halfway at all. And I usually end up not expressing my feelings in order to protect her feelings. She is so weak emotionally. I want her to be happy. She needs to make her own life though. I feel my mother is an unhealthy person to have in my life. If she ever knew I felt that way, she'd probably have a nervous breakdown.
I invited her come to my work and have lunch with me at 3:30 am. And she thought I was nuts. But I am on a different schedule than everyone else. And I have to give up my sleep on the weekends to go to parties, etc. I always compromise my sleep, why doesn't she do the same for me?????????????????????????
I feel better after seeing my doctor. I feel guilty for missing work. Every time, I tell myself I am going to work harder, etc. I want to do better. And Christmas shopping is not done. Just feeling overwhelmed.
I know I have much to be grateful for. In fact, my husband and I just remarried on Valentine's Day. We have our children and nice home and bills are paid.
Today will be my 3rd day at the salon. And I am kinda nervous. The manis and pedis aren't a problem. It will be getting the acrylics down. But last week, I had a good 2 days. Even felt more confident the 2nd day.
I am tired of feeling lousy about myself. I want to learn how to be my own best friend, instead of my own worst enemy.
bye,
Idealsummerluv
I

HI,
Welcome to the board. I am having
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I understand all about PMDD. I have it too. You might also consider asking your doctor if she will prescribe a water pill. This helps me tremendously during the week prior to my period. I also find cutting back on caffeine and salt help too.
Your mother is excuse the term, a real piece of work. She should not be living life through you or making you feel guilty. Does she have friends, a social life, a mate? I know that my mother is really into my Dad, THANK GOD! She is usually so busy doing stuff with him, she has no time to bother my sisters and I :) Maybe you can suggest your mother join the local church senior group or take a senior exercise class. I know my parents liked doing stuff like that. I remember a friend being really worried about her mother after her father died. Well, Friend's mom joined senior Church group and started going on trips and doing charity work. My friend started complaining she never saw her mother!
Maybe you are working too much??? Do you need to work as much for financial reasons? If not, maybe you should cut down. I know you like the manicure job but if you are tired and overwhelmed, having a part time and full time job might be too much.
Hugs.
Selena
Julie,
Thank you so much for the warm welcome and encouraging words. You know, it is quite easy to get down our ourselves and never give ourselves credit. It has been difficult for me to give myself credit, because I am usually trying to detach myself from my mother's guilt trips.
It did take a lot for me to get thru school. I am not one of those truly confident people. My mother cannot share in my happiness, and to be honest- I feel bad for ME at times, that I don't have a mother who can celebrate w/me. She is only happy when things are done the way she wants them and according to her schedule. I have to accept my mother is not going to change and learn to detach.
My boss had me put acrylics on one of her hands. The smile lines(white tips) weren't perfect, but I am getting quite comfortable with the electric file. I find it difficult to give myself permission to be a beginner, but can't get good without practice. This job is certainly taking me out of my comfort zone.
Jule, I do take wellbutrin and prozac. In fact, both meds were recently increased. I know some people are leary of taking meds, but I feel like you: if I was diabetic, I'd be taking insulin. Whatever it takes to feel better.
Have a good weekend,
Idealsummerluv
Hi Selena,
Ty for the tip re: water pill.
Yes, my mother is a piece of work. She is divorced and lives alone. I've suggested she get a p/t job decorating cakes(cause she took cake decorating classes) and volunteering, but not interested. She does take a swim class. She does make plans with her friends.
Well, I can't leave my full time job due to finances. But my dream is to one day soon leave it and do nails full time.
Have an awesome weekend,
Idealsummerluv
Welcome and I admire you for going to school and starting to do the nails part time, that is quite an accomplishment on top of working third shift and being a mother and wife.
I can 100% understand a mother that knows to lay out the guilt and expect her children to make her happy. My alcoholic father has been dead over 11 years, and I swear, Mom has taken his place in the verbal abuse area at times.
I hope you stick around, we hold each other when times are bad, celebrate on our successes and are here for each other in between. Take care, hugs, Josie.
Hi and Welcome
I apologize you didnt get a welcome from me sooner but Im glad you got such wonderful replies from the special ladies here
*hugs
I think you are so on the money about us all not ever wanting to be in the beginner stages. But that's truly where we do most of our learning. I am so glad your boss let you do her nails that was a good way to practice. I have never had my nails professionally done so I am not familiar with the terms or implements but I just know you will get good at it because you have such
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