self destructing... triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
self destructing... triggers
3
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 1:10am

Hi out there... I'm new to this board. I've been lurking here for a while. Brace yourself, because this is long and it's got ****TRIGGERS*******

TRIGGERS********************************

I need to get this out, because I can't tell anyone IRL, and it's bugging me like crazy. Ever feel like you were self-destructing, and doing destructive things "on purpose"? I stopped eating, I only eat enough to keep from passing out. Why? I don't know. Sure, I want to lose weight, and I've fought EDs before. But this time that's not my motivation. I just want to hurt myself.

I have SI'd for years, but now it's getting a lot worse, and don't want to stop. It's as though I need to punish myself even more, or have to have something "real" and bad enough to validate this depression to myself. (The only 2 people in the world that know are my tdoc and pdoc. I couldn't handle it if anyone ever found out... I'm careful to keep it hidden from everybody.)

I know it's bad, but I can't stop drinking and don't really want to. I want to be drunk all the time. If it weren't so much work to score some pot, I'd be stoned all the time too. Oh, and I'm on Paxil and Risperdal. It's probably not the smartest thing. And yet, I'm still alive. Go figure.

I'm having panic attacks all the time, and haven't slept more than a couple hrs a night for weeks. I don't know which is worse, the anxiety or the depression. I really just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

I'm 27 years old. And I'm getting divorced. I was with him for 7 yrs, married 8 months. He cheated. No kids, thank God. But I guess my divorce isn't *that* bad after all, because I don't have kids.

I was sexually abused repeatedly when I was younger by a family member. Everytime I have an epidosde of depression, it's like the flood gates open, and I can't stop thinking about it. The only thing that helps is the SI. But an old tdoc told me that I'm making more out of it than it really was. Yeah, I never went back to her, but the damage was done. I've never talked about it since. But I suppose my trauma wasn't *that* bad after all, because it wasn't as horrific as the abuse a lot of other people were put through.

And once again I'm in the grip of depression. I'm so tired fighting it. But it can't be *that* bad. After all, I'm "still at a remarkable level of functioning" according to my tdoc. Ducky. I'd like for her to step into my head for a minute and see just how remarkable it is...and hear the remarkable thoughts of self-destruct that go through my head all day and night. I wish she'd stop telling me I'm fine. It's just making me want to prove how NOT fine I really am.

What do I have to do to get some validation in my life?!?!?!?! Every aspect of my life is miserable, but not "bad enough". Yes, things could have been a LOT worse. I could have been tortured, instead of *just* abused. I could have been cheated on and abandoned with 10 kids, instead of just cheated on and abandoned. I could be carving words into my stomach, as opposed to *just* cutting and burning. I could be a full on alcoholic or crack addict, instead I *just* drink more than I should, and wish I was stoned senseless. I could be bedridden and overdosing instead of *just* being depressed. The list goes on and on!

I needed to get this off my chest. I'm gonna lose it if one more person so much as implies that I have no reason to feel crappy. And even at that, there are tons of people who feel crappier than I do. Sure it's true, and I'm very lucky that I'm not in a worse place. There are a lot of people worse of than I am. After all, I am functioning remarkably well, I've been told.

---Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 4:57am

Dear Beth, welcome, and I question your therapist trying to minimize your experiences. Mine on the other hand, although my dad "just" did verbal abuse, she calls it mini traumas and has never minimized that it was no big deal as he never hit me, so you won't get any comments from me about how others have it worse as each of our experiences were major to us, like don't judge a person until you walk a mile in their shoes.

I guess my way of hurting myself has been to binge eat, I did have a big problem with alcohol until I was around 29, now at 48, seldom drink, but I still have to watch I don't run to the medicine cabinet as in my 30s, instead of a lot of beers, I would pop some codeine pain pills to take the edge off, and just last night, I was bummed out on my perimenopause body that is always on a period anymore and I had to overcome the urge to take 3 pm tylenol to sleep my problems away.

I just share that stuff as I want you to know, I can understand where you are coming from.

Stick around and we will hold your hand here as much as we can. Sometimes the board has a lot of activity, so not all posts get as many answers, and at this time of the year everyone is busy, as well as the nature of the disease, if we are battling with our own depression issues, reaching out to others may be impossible for us at times.

I wish I had a magic wand to solve your issues, but know that someone cares, hugs, Josie.

Avatar for jukie33
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 11:33am

Abuse is abuse. It damages the core being. It doesn't matter if it was one time or a thousand, abuse damages the person to the core. I am so sorry you met up with a therapist who was obviously not trained properly.


I have felt those feelings before. And with my ED I think them now. Like if I just get skinnier they will see I need help. But the truth is we have to help ourselves. We have to TELL the tdoc and pdoc we are NOT OKAY! It is so scary. Because once we say that they will do something. In my case they may put me in a treatment facility and I am not ready to do that. So I just keep quiet. But I go on hurting inside. I don't drink because I am on an anti psychotic and I am afraid I might snap in front of my child. My way of punishing myself is the binge purge cycle. No one knows except my hubby and he is concerned but doesnt know what to do about it. The pdoc has it in her records but we never talk about it. What we need is help. That's what we're crying out for. We want someone to know that we are over the edge and slipping. All we have to do is tell them. I guess we need to figure out why we aren't telling them. For me it's because the treatment is usually in patient and I feel I wouldn't be validated because I am not skinny enough. I have bulimia not anorexia. Plus I can't leave my child long enough to be in treatment.


You are reaching out. Keep reaching. Look your tdoc and pdoc in the eyes and tell them "I am not okay". Print out your post and let them read it. We have to save our own selves. No one is capable of doing it except us. We are worth it you know.


Thanks for posting this because it made me realize I am doing the same thing just

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 2:37pm

(((Beth))) No one here will tell you that you have no reason to feel bad. It does not matter who you are, you have every right to feel whatever you feel.

You have a lot of things to handle. Here is where you can tackle your depression...we will support you unconditionally. There are also folks here that are survivors of sexual abuse. Also, people who have broken up recently. There are other places here at ivillage that can help.

Self-injury board:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhselfinjury

Sexual abuse healing:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhsexabuse

Mending broken hearts:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlmendingbro

Please remember that if you ever feel you need to hurt yourself that you can call a hotline. They are not for just if you feel suicidal.

You are so not alone. We are here for you. You are multi-dimensional, and you have different issues. We all do.

Welcome to the board.
Keep us posted.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)

Co-CL Depression Support Board