vent....triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
vent....triggers
4
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 7:17pm

Thanks everyone. I feel a bit better after posting... you are so supportive and understanding here. It's good to "talk" with people who know what it's like.

My boss caught me on the internet today, and made me move so hecould look at my history folder to see what I've been doing. I KNOW it's stupid to do this at work, but I had been to this board, the SI board, and the bipolar board. I had to beg him not to look at the history, so he wouldn't see. To top it off, a full blown panic attack came on right there. I thought I would die. I wanted to die.

I think one of my burns might be infected. Maybe I should just stick to cutting. My head won't shut up for anything. The anxiety is unbearable. I jump out of my skin at the slightest things.

I'm going to see my pdoc tomorrow. Maybe he'll give me something to stop all these thoughts of hurting myself. I've been taking Risperdal (antipsychotic) and Paxil, but nothing seems to work.

Up until this week I've only had thoughts of peacefully drifting away and dying, or making it look like an accident. Like killing myself by driving off the road into a tree. Now I'm wondering what would happen if I drink certain poisonous chemicals, or what type of pills are best to finish the job quick. I don't want to tell my tdoc this because I don't want to have to be put in the hospital. I think that would be worse than death.

My family has no clue that I feel like this. That's not surprising though, since they are in denial about LOTS of things. Since I separated from my stbx, I had to move back in with my parents. I'm desparately saving to get back out on my own, but in the meantime I'm stuck here... with NO privacy, and NO respect for my feelings and this disorder.

I'm afraid I'm in a bad place, and I don't have the strength to go through what I need to in order to pull myeslf out of this hole. But thank you all for inviting me to stay, and for taking the time to respond to me.

---Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 7:29pm

((((((((Beth)))))))))


Please be totally honest with your pdoc tomorrow! And then let go of the outcome - whether it be meds, hospitalization, whatever - you need help right now. you

peace and love,

just_a_big_kid

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sat, 12-11-2004 - 9:16am

Beth,

Do whatever it takes to make yourself well.

Take care,
Idealsummerluv

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Sat, 12-11-2004 - 8:35pm

(((Beth))) I agree with Sue, please be very honest with your pdoc. She needs to know that you are hurting yourself. That is very important. You will get out of this hole. We will do our best to support you out of it.

I hope that you are posting on the SI board. They can help you as well. Know that here you are not alone. We have so many people who have gone through similar things as you have.

Read, post, support, whatever. We are here for you.

Keep us posted about your doctor's visit.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
Co-CL Depression Support

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 5:09pm

((((((((((BIG TIGHT HUGS TO YOU BETH))))))))))

Please know that you're not alone. We are here for you whenever you need us (the people here are fantastic). Here's a special hug I'm sending you to put in your pocket and whenever you get feeling out of sorts pull it out and know you are cared about and not alone. Keep posting and take care of you. (((((HUGS))))).

Donna :o)