need to share *poss trigs*

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
need to share *poss trigs*
1
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 5:19pm

Hello to all. I haven't posted here in quite a while but have been stopping by to read others' stories. Things in my life have been in upheaval since the summer, and my depression has been at its worst lately, I seem to have one good day here and there but having a hard time focusing on positives. I had a hysterectomy in March of this year, was out of work for a few weeks which, along with my own stupidity, caused catastrophic financial difficulties. I fell behind in the rent, in July told my DBF I wanted him to leave and was goign to move. I thought if I could just run away and start over, everything would be better. Well, the move fell through, I was almost evicted, and I took my boyfriend back, though still not sure if for the right reasons. I worked hard to get my back rent paid off and managed to get all paid up by the beginning of November. Now, however, I have screwed up my checking account really bad but not paying attention, (and overspending), which has sent things into a tailspin again. Last weekend things really hit rock bottom, and I kept saying things like, "I just wish I could take all of the pills in the house, I wish I just wasn't here", and really felt like I needed help. My boyfriend at one point said to me, why don't you just do it and get it over with then? So I said ok and started to take all of my Xanax, at which point he pinned me down on the bed and after a lot of fighting him and screaming, he got the pills out of my hand and I spit out the ones I had in my mouth, all the while he was saying he would call 911 and I was telling him to go ahead. At that point, I truly would have welcomed being put in the hospital for my own safety. But no one really "gets it", I think that he thinks this is just to get attention, or to get out of dealing with my problems. The truth is, most of the time I just feel so tired of dealing with it all, so tired of screwing up, so tired of feeling this way, I just want it to stop. I just started with a new therapist two weeks ago, and so far I really like her, but I didn't go last week because I didn't even have any money for my copay. I have a good job, good insurance, and didn't even have a lousy 20 bucks for my office visit with her. Tomorrow I am supposed to see my p-doc and I don't have any money for that, either. I don't have any credit cards because I have ruined my credit rating. I want to fix everything in my life but I feel so overwhelmed. I don't really have anyone to talk to about all of this, none of my friends really know the extent of my depression or understand. I feel like every day is just a fight to survive, with no happiness or enjoyment. I feel stuck in my life, stuck in my job, my relationship, even my role as a mother. I feel powerless to control my 16 y/o DD, she is out of control basically and just lies and deceives me every time I turn around.

Sorry for going on so long, I had to get all of this out. Any advice greatly appreciated. Thank you all for being here!

Wendy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 5:30pm

(((((Wendy))))), believe me, I understand about depression and money troubles.