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| Tue, 12-14-2004 - 2:49am |
Hi everyone, I really need to vent. It's days like this that make life hard. I try so hard to do the right things for my kids. I try to give them freedom that I didn't have and the love and attention I never had. My son is 13 and isn't an A student. Me and my husband want so badly for him to do well, so we are on top of all his work. We talk to the teachers we check his work, he knows the house rules for being able to have certain things. Well, today started out with my son not wanting to get up for school. I called him many times but he just didnt want to get up. I had set up the iron because he wanted his uniform shorts ironed, I couldnt find them so I asked him for them. No response. When he decided to get up I had moved on to making breakfast and lunches. He asked for his shorts, I told him I did not find them so I didn't iron them. He threw the shorts and grabbed his pants, not saying anything. I let it go, he was angry ok. THEN, after dinner when my husband got home he brought in the phone bill. He opened it and it was unusually high so I looked at it and there were calls to NY. We are in CA. My husbands job requires him to make long distance calls but not to NY. He didnt know anything about it, I didn't and I asked our son, who looked at us and said "I don't know". So me being me, I called the number, being it was on the bill several times. I got a women who was very nice, asked her name and told her the situation. I asked her if she knew anyone in CA and she said no. She then asked me if I had any children around 11-12 yrs old. I told her yes and she let me know her daughter had been "talked to" about talking to people on the internet and calling people. I told her, thank you very much, hung up the phone and all hell broke lose. and STILL my son looked at me and my husband and denied it, till we really threated to take his whole freedom away.
Times like that make me feel like such a failure as a mother. I try so hard to teach my kids right from wrong. Love them like I never was and these things still happen. My son has always tried to lie about various things. He knows better and knows he'll just get grounded but he still does it. I've tried everything from the groundings to not paying any attention to them, not to give the wrong kind of attention.
How do I cope? How do me and my husband stay sane?? We took the computer away from him, as he watched I deleted his screen name. We also took the phone away. And we are taking the cell phone we had bought him for Xmas back. What do you all think?? Things like this make me fall deeper into my depression. help!!
Sandy

Sandy: I am at a loss of what to say, I never had kids of my own and my 2 step kids were never around enough to give advice to anyone on parenting.
I just wanted you to know I read your posting, and I care, just don't know what to say.
hugs, Josie.
Hi Sandy,
I also have a 13 year old son. I cannot give you any great advice but can let you know you are definately not alone in this. In fact, my son just gave me a hard time this morning. Went to his room 3 times to get him up. Then he was downstairs on the couch and he said he was dressed. When I said we were leaving, he tried to tell me he wasn't feeling well- his stomach.
We had a little argument over that because I didn't believe him, as he had stayed up too late last night. Then he tried his asthma excuse and said if he couldn't breathe it was my fault and he hoped I feel really guilty and that I am the worst mother and he hates me. But I still got him and his sister to school on time.
My son is being treated for depression and has been diagnosed with an emotional disability. He sees a highly recommended counselor. Also, the special ed department has a counselor from school coming for home visits.
As a mom, all I wanted was for my children to feel good about themselves. And it hurts me to see my son with a poor self image. I even feel guilty because the depression runs on my side of the family.
The thing that makes me realize I am not a total failure as a mother is my daughter. She is 12 and an A student, gets herself to bed on time, gets up in the morning, does her homework, helps out around the house, seems like a happy child.
It sounds like you have some solid rules for your son. I think my husband and I need help in establishing consequences for poor behavior Our son needs to know more is expected of him. Yet, when he was diagnosed with the emotional disability, we were told to not expect much.
I do a lot of praying for my kids.
Sounds like you are doing your best.
Take care,
Idealsummerluv
Thank you Ideal and Josie. Just knowing people care makes all the difference in the world. This morning my son got up and did what he had to do. My husband told him last night that when he felt it in his heart, he'd like him to apoligize to me for the lying. My son hasn't yet. I know it's because he is just embarressed. My husband and I talked today about it again and we are both sad we can't give him his cell phone for xmas but we have no choice. We are going to give him the xmas vacation to do better and if he does we will let him play basketball at school. I feel so at fault for everything my son does. My husband has been great to him, even being his stepdad. My husband doesnt even consider himself a stepdad, that is his son he says. I just want to make sure my son doesnt have the same problems I had. Am I trying too hard?? Am I too afraid??
Thanks again girls. It means alot to me that someone cares.
Sandy
Don't beat yourself up. It sounds like you have the bases covered. Giving your children what you did not have growing up does not mean they will be perfect. He is at an awkward age.
I am relieved that this email and phone contact did not result in something more serious. He may be feeling inadequate. It seems he is not talking about his feelings or what he is going through day to day. Is the punishment excessive-to keep him away from the team sport he participates in? There are many benefits to participating in them-following rules, team building, social skills...
Does he have computer internet access at school? At this age, he is curious and interested in girls and those feelings can be embarassing for a boy. Perhaps joining a club, tutor, take up a musical instrument (Christmas gift replacement?) could help him on several levels.
Open wider the lines of communication.
Do you keep the computer in a open area? Does he know how to be safe on the computer? He could work off the phone charges.
Your husband sounds wonderful. Depression can muddle the waters. Your heart is in the right place. Each of us are unique, with differences in reacting, ideas. Try to not make what's yours his and what's his yours.
Do all you can for your family. Leave perfection to the almighty and know that despite best efforts and doings, life has a way of happening. Love freely, discipline earnestly, live simply, be true to self and cope continuously...