Feeling Bad about ME
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| Tue, 12-14-2004 - 10:43am |
Hi,
Thank you for welcoming me to this group and to those who responded to my previous post.
This morning, I am feeling sad and unmotivated and guilty for staying home from work again last night. Sunday night was a real crappy night at work. My son gave me a hard time getting up for school this morning. He told me if he had an asthma attack and couldn't breathe, that is would be my fault, he hoped I felt really guilty, I was the worst mother, and he hated me. Merry Christmas to you too, honey. I knew he was faking sick as he was simply up too late.
I am feeling sad over an email I got from my mother. And I don't understand why at my age-39, that I can't simply let it roll off my shoulders. In her email-which was in capital letters, she is upset over not getting a phone call from and because I didn't call her, that was me saying she is not important. She wants to know if I care whether she lives or dies. She wants me to know she is alone every day and it is very important that I understand how SHE feels and how HURT She is. And she can't handle hearing my so called angry words. I only said I would not share my true feelings because she can't handle it and I don't want to hurt her feelings.
"Don't bother to say anything because I couldn't handle any more stress or disappointment" "merry Christmas" she says. Plus she thanked me for the 3 Thursdays we spent together before I started the pt job doing nails. She says she doesn't have the Christmas spirit this year and wouldn't do anything if it wasn't for her grandchildren.
But I say her Sunday. She came to my house! I was so tired from working the night before that I'd fallen asleep before taking wellbutrin. I slept with the pill all afternoon! lol. As soon as I got out of bed, she was there.
I think this thing with my mother is increasing my hatred of working this freakin shift. I don't want to feel guilty because I am not doing anything wrong. I am so tired of feeling I need to justify myself. But with her, nothing is ever good enough anyway. During the summer, I'd been late to a couple barbecues because I had needed to sleep during the day. She complained about that and said she knew other people who worked third shift and didn't have a problem. We got into an argument over that. The kind of argument where I express my feelings and she just cannot believe I said that and "You don't know how much you have hurt me" "I know what the problem is, you are just like your father" etc.
That is what happens if I even remotely express how I feel. Or she will say I am twisting things.
I am so tired of having to stifle my feelings in order to protect hers all these years. I am so tired of feeling my feelings are unimportant and/or having her dismiss my feelings by saying I have twisted things. I wish my mother would give me credit for doing the best that I can on this shift and with my family. And realize I cannot give her what she wants, I physically cannot.
She is so needy and guilt tripping, that she doesn't realize she is driving a wedge between us. I don't want to be around someone who is demanding my attention. And who doesn't meet me halfway. Hey, ma, why don't YOU lose some of your sleep for a change in order to see me? Why don't you meet me for lunch at 3:30 am so we can talk? After all, you don't have to get up early in the morning.
All I know is I want to get far away from people who would make me feel the way my mother makes me feel.
In a nutshell, I try my hardest to not let her get to me. But today I feel like crap about myself. Mostly because I cannot share my feelings with my mother. I wish she could share in my happiness of doing something I enjoy(nails) instead of wanting me to feel guilty. Guilty for what? For living my own life? She is retired and needs to make her own life. It isn't as if she never sees me or hears from me.
When my husband and I got back together, she made a comment about how she wasn't seeing me as much as she did when we were separated. Okay, then did she prefer it when I was getting divorced because she felt needed?
Sorry to rant. But it does feel good to say how I feel.
I am going to try to get myself going.
Take care,
Idealsummerluv

Sending out big ((((HUGS)))) to you. Sucks when family members try to bring you down, especially when they are suppose to love and support you no matter what. I think that people often want you to feel guilt, because they can't deal with their own. Maybe getting away or temporarily cutting off contact with those who make you feel this way is a good idea. You don't deserve this treatment from anyone! So give yourself a hug and treat yourself good. Take small baby steps and you will be ok.
xoxo
anne