Fed up with being depressed

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fed up with being depressed
5
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 5:18pm

I'm sorry, but I just need to vent about this. I know a lot of you are going through some major issues, so I feel like I shouldn't even be posting this. Anyway...

I have had problems with depression for 20 years. This last bout has lasted 3 years, since my son was born. I have some good days, even some good weeks, but it always comes back. I've been to so many therpists over the years, I can't even remember how many. I'm on meds which do help, but I'm still not great. I just want to be *happy*. Is that too much to ask? I'm not asking to be overjoyed every single day, but just to be content.

My ds is still getting up at night. I want to wean him (he'll be three next week), but he's being very stubborn about it, and I don't have the mental and physical energy to fight with him. He's also resisting potty training. My dh is almost never home to help out.

I'm not working, except some volunteer work, and I hate not earning any money and being stuck at home all day. I probably won't be working (paid work) till next fall, when I hope to be teaching college again. I feel like having young kids is a handicap, like I can't take a regular job because then I'll have major childcare issues, so I'm stuck waiting around for the only job I like that has reasonable hours for a parent.

As I wrote a few weeks ago, a close friend recently lost a baby at 20 wks pg, and that's brought back memories of my own miscarriage 6 years ago, and that baby was due at Christmas. I feel like my kids are growing up and won't need me anymore in a few years, and my relationship with my dh is not great. I told him last night that I feel like the kids and I are on one team, and he's on another. He said he feels left out, but I'm not exaggerating when I say that he's out three nights a week, gets home to eat dinner with us maybe twice a week (weekends), and is out of the house or sleeping most of the time on the weekend.

Gosh, sorry to go on and on. I feel like there's just so much little stuff that keeps piling up on me and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired all the time, all I want to do is sleep. I have a sinus infection, too, on top of it all. If this is living, I don't want it. Is this going to be my life for the next 40 or 50 years???? If so, please let me die young. Really. Is there any hope?

Nicola

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 6:29pm

(((Nicola)))) You can post whenever you darn well want. You have many many rights to vent. I hear and feel your frustration. Don't discount how much you are handling. Please try not to minimize that you are doing many important things: being a mom is such an important job. If not the most important job there is.

I had a wise anthropology teacher that said: "when the child can ask for food, he is done getting it from me." *wink*

There are things to think about. Couples counseling? Find a good book about relationships and problems and see if you can coax your husband into reading parts with you. It is so normal for the man to feel left out. He is going through stuff too, so try and tell him that you are looking to include him. But that it is hard to include him if he isn't around. Even a male might understand that little bit of common sense. lol

I hope anything I have said has helped. I myself, am not doing too well. But as you have been so sweet to me, I must return the favor. Not out of guilt, but because you must return the good that has been given to you.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
Co-CL Depression Support

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 7:45pm

(((((HUGS NICOLA)))))

Please don't feel as though you are going on and on, you just keep on venting, your issues are just as important as anyone else's ((hugs)). I can understand your frustration, I don't have a job, I stay home all the time, I deal with my 9 yr old everyday (who happens to have ADHD), my marriage is next to non-existent and I feel as though the walls are closing in on me half the time. I often too wonder if this is how the rest of my life is going to be or is something miraculously going to change. Please know your not alone and that I'm always here if you need to talk or vent. Stay strong and take care of yourself. Positive thoughts comming your way, and a hug too :o) :o) :o)

Donna

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 1:01pm

Thank you, Lisa. Your hugs and support do help. And thanks for reminding me that my stresses are valid and I am not just whining.

I hope you will feel better soon.

~Nicola

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 1:04pm

Donna, thank you. It's nice to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. So many WOHMs say I am so lucky, but I'm going nuts! I don't want to be working 60-70 hrs a week, but I do need some more stimulation.

Thanks for letting me know you care; I hope things are going better for you. It's almost Christmas and then you can spend time with your son!

~Nicola

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 7:26pm

((((((((((Hugs Nicola))))))))))

Ya it won't be long till I see my sweet boy, can't wait :o). I'm nervous though, I have such a hard time going away from home, worried I may have a panic attack or something, I would feel like a fool.

Please do know I care, I do understand how you are feeling, especially the marriage thing, it seems if the marriage is crappy everything is crappy.

I do hope you feel better soon, your in my thoughts. Sending hugs your way my friend. :o)

Donna