Wanting to feel better about life
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| Wed, 12-15-2004 - 6:16pm |
I have posted on other message boards before, but this one is new to me. Just recently I had a huge emotional breakdown and realized I needed help dealing with things in my life and dealing with how I am emotionally and mentally.
I am not sure what to say other than I feel so bad about my life and being apart of it. I wake up in the morning and dont want to get up or go to work. I am so bored with my job and I find myself counting down the hours till I can go home (A little about my job-I have a job where I am the only one in my office from 9am-7pm M-F and I have customers that come in and out throughout the day but usually only 5 to 6 customers) and even when I got home I then wish I was somewhere other than at home. I find myself driving around in my car just to avoid being at home and sitting alone doing pretty much nothing. I look forward to going to sleep at night, but when I go to bed, I cant sleep because my mind continues to race at a hundred miles a minute. The only time I seem to feel alright about things is when I speak to my boyfriend or when I am around him, yet in ways I feel that he is also a part of why I stress out and seem to feel depressed about things in my life. Its not that hes bad to me, or that he gives me a reason to feel bad about myself or my life, its just that its the first relationship I have truly been in since my ex and I broke up, and this relationship is very different from my last(which is great! but he has asked that we take things slowly-for personal reasons of his-which is okay, but I would like to be able to feel closer to one another). I really like my boyfriend alot and think I could be in love, but neither of us has said we love each other and I just don't feel that we are as close as I would like to be. We have been dating almost 6 months, and I have known him for about 4 years(hes someone that is friends with the family) I am very happy about being with him and we spend lots of time with each other and he makes me laugh and feel great about the time we are together. But sometimes I feel weird about the relations because hes older than I am, and sometimes I worry about the age difference and how it will effect us moving forward together and sometimes worry that things are going to end and that things won't work out because I am younger than him and that he'll find someone his age to date. Occasionally I worry about his past relationships-mainly because I know nothing about any of them. Since he is older (I'm 21 and hes 32) hes been in more relationships and has a history and the one that bothers me is the one he (suppposedly) had for 12 years (on again, off again-I'm assuming). She isn't apart of his life anymore, she has moved on (and so has he)and she is infact engaged to be married, but his past with her is very much apart of his life. He brings her up occasionally and he still keeps in contact with her sister and her mom. He stops by there place and calls them and hangs out. Some of that bothers me, and I have talked to people about it, and most people have told me not to worry, that when you date someone for so long, there family is bound to become apart of his life and him talking to them doesn't mean anything is going on or that he still has feelings for her, its just that hes still close with them and likes to stay in contact. Granted its not that he sees them once a day, its more like once a month-if that-but its the fact of the matter. And I can totally understand all of that, but from what I have heard about his relationship with his ex is that she cheated on him, went on trips without him and such and that they finally decided to split(now I really don't know the whole story-but my mom and step dad have told me little things here and there because he is friends with them and have been for years-so they know a little about him). With his ex I am not sure who left who, but I have to think he left her because I havent heard much about how he was in the relationship-and I am not about to ask. And I am not sure how to bring this up to him and how to tell him it bothers me that he still talks to them, and I also don't know anything about any other relationships in his past and I worry about it sometimes, because he never says anything other than this g/f did this to him or this g/f did that, no names are mentioned, he just vents about it and thats the end of the conversation. There are also times like 2 weekends ago when he will blow me off the entire weekend and not call me or answer his phone and will then finally contact me on Sunday afternoon to talk to me. Why are guys like that? And then I cant help but worry about it and assume the worst of the situation. I know I worry alot, but I have had a hard time being able to trust people because I have been hurt so much in the past, I dont want to put my trust into someone and get hurt again and be even worse then I was. I really want to be able to trust in him and not have to worry about things, but its so hard to do when someone wont answer your calls and ignores you and goes out drinking with his buddies. What else is there left to do but to worry and assume things. I truly dont think hes the cheating type, but I dont know, I dont really know too much about him. Plus the other day when I was in his kitchen getting a treat for his dog, I found a piece of paper next to his wallet with 3-4 girls phone numbers on it. It looked like it had been sent through the washing machine because it was a tad faded but you could clearly see all names and phone numbers. And that got me a little "excited" and nervous about things. They could be old numbers or they might not be. I just freaked when I saw it and have no clue what to make of it. One of the reasons why I said tht I dont think hes the cheating type is because when he truly has free time it tends to spend it with me. If he isnt at work or with a buddy of his, he is usually with me-so I dont see him finding much time to cheat but there are times when he is out or at a friends house on the internet or something-and im not around, but I would hope he would have the decency to respect me and my feelings and to not go that route (because he knows I was cheated on and abused ALOT when I was with my ex) Now I didn't confront him on the fact that I found the piece of paper with some numbers on it because I didnt want to make him think I was snooping or getting seriously jealous or anything, so I let it go, but its still really on my mind. Im just not sure what to think about some of the things in my relationship with my boyfriend. I can say that I have been very honest and up front wtih my b/f about my ex'es and he knows that I am actually good friends with all my ex'es. I only have 3 and I only keep in touch with 2 of them, and they all happen to live out of state (one is 7 hours away, then other is 11 hours away) So I dont see them, I just receive phone calls and emails to say HI. But I dont think I give him reason to think Im cheating or that I ever would. I am certainly alot more repectful of people than to ever cross that line.
So, I know I wrote alot, but these are the things that are on my mind and things that really bother me and make me just want to run the other direction. Im not sure how to deal with my stress and anxiety. I have made an appt to see a therapist, but because of my work schedule I cant get in until January so I thought maybe posting on here, someone will reply and give me some much needed advice on how to maybe deal with things. I know hurting myself and such isnt the answer, but so many times it feels like the right thing to do and the only way to deal with my pain and sadness that I seem to constantly feel.
I know there is alot of info on here to digest, but I really needed to get all this out and talk to someone about all the things I am feeling right now. I really hope someone who reads this can help me out and give me some advice. I am usually here lingering and checking on other posts for advice, so I look forward to someone giving me feedback.
Thanks ahead of time,
Jennifer sweet_spoiled_blonde@yahoo.com
feel free to email me a reply also.

((((Jennifer)))))Welcome to the board! You are right, there is a lot in your post.
I will try and address a few things.
First, vent here and support and be supported.
As for your guy, it does sound like there is something to have concerns about. There are many relationship boards here, something that they may be able to help you with.
Here we can help you with dealing with the sadness about having trouble dealing with life. You are not alone in dealing with guy issues. Many women here have relationship issues. I am sure that in time you will find that you can relate to many people here.
Sorry I can't be of much help. I am not doing too well as of late. But I wanted you to know you had been heard.
We never want anyone to feel like they are not able to vent and be heard.
Welcome to the board.
I hope you post again soon.
Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
Co-CL Depression Support Board