remeber me???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
remeber me???
5
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 10:41am
I am sorry that I really havent been around much these past few months weeks I dont even know how long it has been....
I was supposed to go into treatment but I chickened out at the last minute and didnt go out of pure fear I know that afraid that I would go into the renfrew center as who I am now and walk out as someone else and well that freaks me out just well not a little but alot....
So now Marnie(my therapist) tells me this past wednesday that she is leaving the place that I go to when I see her and I have to move on from her anyways she has told me before that seeing her is just a stepping stone to becoming better and that I am ready to take that step needed to move on but I am sad none the less I liked her alot I still have amonth or so before she goes but still it makes me sad..
She told me that I really need to get treatment for my ED since for like 10 years now I have taken diet pills non stop well except when I was pregnant with Jakob laxatives vomiting fasting well you all get the point..but I am still a "normal" weight so I feel like I dont need help but on the other hand I know that I do need help..
So marnie wants me to go to renfrew in Pennsylvania which is only 2 hours from my home so the drive isnt so bad she thinks that treatment there will help me to move on with other things ion life like moving back to Arizona to be with Jakob that the ED is holding me back alot which is true..
so after renfrew I can eather decide to move straight to arizona or look into a group therapsy since I have been in one on one for two years now I have the tools that I need although I feel like I dont but then again I am really good at making excuses and letting fear rule my life I am a sad sad excuse for a human being..
Also my best friend and I got into another fight she decided that after a night of drinking and her being drunk that she was going ot start with me I did nothing wrong but she felt that I was ignoring her and if I was I was so not aware of it at all.. she she yells and screams I try to speak and she wont let me so I lost it I screamed at the top of my lungs cause she kept interrurpting me not letting me speak my peace cause I had no problem with her but she would not let me get one work in at all so I got frustrated and I felt that what I had to say didnt matter that I didnt matter and well to be honest I should have kept my cool but she is the type of person that NEVER lets you speak at all and I just got fed up with it all she is one of those people who says I am gonna talk not you and for 25 years now she has done that and well I could not do it anymore and I went off on her but the irony of this I wrote her a quick note stating that I thought that we should talk that I would let her speak and then she would have to let me speak she doesnt except letting writting but I have to say this a letter is the only way I know that I can get all that I need to say out cause you can not interrrupt a letter that is why I wrote them to her when needed so anyways she ripped up the note without reading it stating that I thought she and I should speak so now I am upset not mad just upset she likes things on her terms when she is ready to talk when she has the time but doesnt think about if others have the time or when they are ready so here I am gettting ready to take my illness head on and work things out within myself and by the time I get back it is going ot be too late for her to speak with me I just dont know what to do dont know if i should take out the trash and be done with her or what...
sorry to babble..
other than that I am pretty happy although the holidays are tough you know when you send you kid there presents and you are not there to see them open them up sucks but soon I hope I will be there everyday..
thanks for letting me vent ]
Erin
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 4:24pm

((((((HUGS ERIN))))))

How could we forget a sweet person like you ((HUGS)). Glad things are going good for you. You are right about the holidays, I hope I can make it through (lol). I have a son who lives away from me too, I understand how you feel there.

Glad to see you post, and know we all care about you and are here for you. Hope you make it through the holidays okay.

Big hugs comming your way. :o) :o)

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 2:39pm

(((((Erin))))), you go ahead and vent, rant and babble all you want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 10:49am

Havent forgotten you AT ALL!


Glad you stopped back its what we are here for! ((((((((((Erin)))))))))

*hugs

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 5:28pm

i'm so happy to see you- i missed you!

sorry things are sucky right now. i am having friend problems too. people can be really mean to each other sometimes. i am glad that you are realizing things that you need to do for yourself. i know how hard it is to take it to the next level of getting the help- but i know you can do it. you are very strong- don't let yourself forget it. are you still thinking about moving?

stay strong girl. i am really weird right now myself, so i am having trouble saying the "right" stuff- just know i care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 5:54pm

(((Erin))) Honey, no one has forgotten you. But please do get help for your ED. Just because you are a "normal" weight does NOT mean you don't have an ED.

Please try and step out of yourself. If you best friend said all the things you have posted about what would you say to her.

You are such an important person to us all. You are not helping yourself the way that would benefit you.

You are a good woman who wants to be with her son. Please be good to yourself.

The only thing that would make you a sad excuse for a human would be if you never looked to examine yourself. But you do, you do try and you do look inside. Like most of us, you are scared by what you see...lol

We are here for you!!

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
Co-CL Depression Support