Help is finally here

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
Help is finally here
1
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 10:31am

I hope my story can help others.

I have just been diagnosed with post-partum depression. This is my third depression - I am now on Effexor and therapy as well. I'm 38, mother of 4 girls and married for 11 yrs. Last April (2003) I found out I was pregnant - my youngest at the time was 6yrs. I took it bad, really bad. I started crying and not knowing what to do. Abortion was not an option for me - morals. Needless to say my pregnancy was hell for me. I've enjoyed all my others but not this one. My couple went through hell and back many times over. Him not understanding me and me not understanding my feelings. My marriage was near the breaking point many times. I had the baby in January 2004 - 1 hour delivery, beautifull healthy girl, 8.6 pounds. She is now 11 months. A few months back I started having a gutt feeling that hubby was fooling around. I still think it. Hubby and I had a breaking point last week that brought all out in the open and made me realize that something was wrong with me. After going to seek help because I was feeling very suicidal a counselor helped me see what was going on. Honestly the only thing keeping me here are my girls. I do not want to leave them with the burden of thinking it's their fault. I guess praying helped me as well. I asked that someone be sent to help me. During the crisis of last week, hubby half confessed, very subtly but said enough to send me in a desperation. Eventhough I've started taking Effexor for 4 days now, my thoughts seem to be better, slowly getting clearer. Maybe bc I know that help and hope is here for me. It is comforting. The counselor suggested that both of us follow a therapy, together and individually. He's ok with it and so am I. I am still affraid of lies ahead. Maybe irrational maybe not. As much as I don't want my marriage to end I don't know if I can deal with the pain of finding out for certain if he did betray me. I still feel that I am facing this war in me by myself. I told myself after each depression that I did not want to go back there again...I'm here, again. I know therapy will help sort things out. I'm scared and can't help but feel weak. I know that I took the first step to getting better but just the same, I feel alone, weak and scared. Sometimes I wonder why must I go through this again, could there be a lesson in it for me or is it just a cruel joke? Christmas is approaching and honestly I told hubby I want to be left alone - no socializing for me - I think I need this time for me. So much has happenend in my marriage I don't know what lies ahead for us, for our family. I hate myself sometimes for feeling this way, I understand it's the depression talking but just the same, I hate having to go through this. It's almost like something is forcing me to take a step back in order to go forward. I hate myself for falling in this trap. At least I know I will slowly see and understand the whys and whats of this. I am hopefull, for me. I'm trying to concentrate as best I can on me, no one else, well my girls too because I do want to be here for them - they are my life, my pride. My eldest is 13. I told her what is happening with me and how important it is that I took the steps to getting better. She is an awesome kid. I did not burden her with details, just the big lines. I realize that I have a though road ahead of me but I keep saying to myself that I am worth it, my life is worth living with or without my hubby - I'll let therapy handle that part. For now, today, I'm ok, I'm still here. I feel that I can see out of this hole.

I may borrow all of your ears at times just to make sense of my thoughts and feelings. Thank you for being here.

Nicole

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 10:42am

Nicole


Being able to find the rope that will pull you out of the hole you are in, is always the most wonderful feeling in the world for you to experience and us to read about.


Thank you for sharing that and know that we will be here for you as you journey upward. ((((((((Nicole)))))))))

*hugs

*hugs