just need to talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
just need to talk
6
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 12:37pm

Hi and ty for caring.

Today is not a good day for me. Last night I had a fight with hubby. The fight was about him sending this woman an email (from a workshop for writers he took a while back). He was supposed to attend a dinner with her and 7 other women (again from the workshop) but he did send an email then saying he couldn't make it. She replied ok and happy holidays. Then I find out that he did send her another mail wishing her peace for the new year. I'm still taking my meds but can't help but feel betrayed and hurt. He doesn't go through the trouble to talk to me or take me out but seems concerned about other people, what gives? Am I that terrible of a person with my depression and all? I asked him why he felt he had to continue emailing her and he refused to answer me saying it was none of my business. I hate it when we fight but I have so many doubts. Why won't he put my mind at ease? Am I asking too much from him? I don't know what to think other than the hurt.

Nicole

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: imylife
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 7:22pm

Nicole,

I'm sorry you're going through such a bad time with your husband. My dh also seems much more concerned about other people's feelings than mine, and I've discussed this with my therpist. He says this is common in people who have self-esteem problems. With me, he feels safe b/c I'm not going anywhere (so far) but he has to make other people like him. Maybe yours is the same. He is probably trying to prove his autonomy by refusing to answer to you. Men are such babies sometimes!! I guess you have to decide how much you want this marriage to work. I can't remember exactly what your issues were, but I do remember you have three or four kids and one is very little. Of course, this makes it hard to think of leaving. Have you considered couples counselling? We have, but it's only worked for a short time afterwards. I've decided to work on myself and try to make this relationship into one I'm happy with. If not, I'll walk.

Hugs to you,
Nicola (no, it's not a typo; it really ends with an "a")

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
In reply to: imylife
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 8:43am

Thank you Nicola for your insight.

We are gonna start counseling after the holidays. He's agreed to it bc he says he wants to be a better husband, father and person not just for me but for him too. As for me, counseling will be about me, my issues. We had a talk last night about that email he sent. I accepted his explaination that is was merely a polite gesture on his part nothing more. I figure that I am indeed the one that has trust issues and I am planning on addressing those at counseling, regardless of the outcome. I decided not to hold any expectations this way I won't be dissapointed if the worse case scenario happens. Today my mind seems clearer...it's about time! I hate going through this depression especially over the holidays, it seems to amplify the feelings. Plus this board helps me see things and understand that my perception of certain situations might not be what I see in my present state of mind. Thank you again for caring. Have a great holiday!

Nicole

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
In reply to: imylife
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 3:37pm

Hello,

I'm new to these boards, and I want to say first thanks for having the courage to share your problems. You never know who you might touch. I'm facing a similar situation that has me broken. I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship. I ended it for good not even a week ago. We still live together, and actually have 6 more months on the lease. Anyway, he's made a female friend over the web, has lied about it and many other things. This is an extremely hard time of year for me because I have no friends, and only really my father as family. My father is in jail. My now ex feels there's nothing wrong with him "moving on". The real issue is his lack of compasion and human decency. I know this but it hurts. I wept this morning, I was so broken about the lack of love in my life. He just starred at me coldy, asking, what was he susposed to do. I broke up with him, so it's my fault I'm hurting.

I have depression, like everyone else on here I guess. This relationship has drained my spirit, and will to fight. But I am trying. That's why I came to these boards, to connect with others such as myself. Hoping we can help each other. It helps to know you're not alone. As for your husband (and I can relate also to the constant fighting), this to me is not acceptable. He may think he's not cheating because he's not sleeping with her, but that's the same as my ex saying he's not abusing me just because he doesn't hit on me or curse me out. If someone is direspecting you, hurting your feeling, shows disregard or is deceitful, they are abusing you. You took the right first steps to reach out. Keep doing so. Maybe we can keep in touch.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
In reply to: imylife
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 3:50pm

Hi Nicola,

I just would like to know what you mean by "working on yourself, and making the relationship into one you'd be happy with"?

I've tried, I thought that working on yourself meant not working the relationship at all. What exactly do you mean? What is the right thing to do?

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: imylife
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 5:29pm

Hello and welcome~

What I mean is that I have a lot of personal issues that affect the way I relate to my husband. I can be oversensitive and I also don't always make my wants/needs clear. Now, I'm not saying he's perfect, but these are issues that are affecting us as a couple, as well as me personally. I think that whatever you do to make yourself happier will inevitably have consequences on your relationship, either good or bad. I think the ideal is to do both individual and couples counselling, but for right now, dh doesn't think we need counselling together (we've done it before), so I'm just going to see how things go. He was in therapy himself very briefly (he went 4 times), but decided that he didn't have any problems...

I hope this helps you and answers your questions,
Nicola

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
In reply to: imylife
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 8:27am

Celease and Nicole


I just wanted to take a moment to welcome you to the boards.

*hugs