Need to vent Poss Trigger

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Need to vent Poss Trigger
5
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 1:41pm
I am new here kinda, Ive been a lurker for a while but never quite knew what to say. I have been dealing with depression for about 8 years now. I was a teenage mom who lost all her friends and life to having a baby, my boyfriend (father of the baby) now husband did lots of things to hurt my trust in him then (now were ok but im still scared of the things he might do)My parents both decided they wanted nothing really to do with me, and on top of it all ive gained lots of weight and think that everyone is looking at me with disgust. I have tons of christmas parties to go to this weekend and all i can think about is how i look to these people. I am so sad, I want this weight off so bad, i feel like its the root of all my problems that once im thin again i will be able to handle everything else in my life. I was once a confident 15 yr old now, then i had a baby at 16 and lost it all. I dont know who i am, Who am i supposed to be as an adult. I have no friends, have not been able to find any happiness in anything, not even my children (please i love them do dont think i dont) I cant stand the fact of going to all these gatherings and being embaressed on how i look and feeling sick and sad and all together unhappy with myself even more. And to add to it all, my sister who i have always been in competition with lost alot of weight this last summer, so i look even more Hidious.
What do i do? I have tried losing the weight but it doesnt seem to work. I pretty much try to avoid her and anyone else i feel uncomfortable around. But at the holiday season i cant. I have to face them all, and i am so sick about it.
Thank you all for listening.
Chriss
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 5:53pm

((((Chriss)))) Welcome to the board! Sounds like you have had many stressful experiences. Teen motherhood is not easy. It makes sense to doubt your husband, if you have had problems in the past. Does it help to know you are normal? Sometimes, normal is a good thing.

As for weight gain, everyone feels like they are under a microscope when they gain a few pounds. Try to wear the favorite thing you have that makes you look pretty. There are many hints to survive holiday parties. Let yourself go to the buffet only once, eat on smaller plates, limit yourself to one drink.

As far as not having friends, try and open yourself up to friends at all those parties.

Know that you are here now, and we know about all the issues you are having.

Post to someone here that can help. It is a place to give and get support.

Welcome!
Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)

Co-CL Depression Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 6:28pm
Thank you for responding. There is so much more to my problems that its hard to go into. I really dont know how to explain or even describe my feelings, all i know is that i need help. I am going to the Dr on the 4th for other things but im gonna mention all this. Ive tried meds before but couldnt get through the first 2 weeks, they made me tired and sick feeling and i have 2 small children to take care of.
Anyways thank you for talking to me.
Chriss
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 8:30am

Hi Chriss and welcome to the boards.


Keeping your doctor abreast of how you doing is the most important thing.

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 8:51am

Hi Chriss,

While waiting to go into therapy I've been talking to a social worker every day now. I've started taking Effexor 8 days ago. The social worker told me that when we are experiencing depression the image we have of ourselves is distorted, we don't see ourselves in a flattering light. Just know that it is normal, heck I see myself as pretty much what you describe. I keep telling myself that it's just temporary until the meds kick in. I have good days and bad. Like you I dread this coming week-end with all the gatherings and crap but you know what...we have to somehow muster the courage and do it for our kids. I keep telling myself that Xmas is for them and I cannot let them down no matter how depressed I am. Funny b/c I've never been one to fake things but this time I have to. The one thing that can help is to set time aside just for you. Take a bath, read a book, try as hard as you can to keep your mind from wondering - that's what I'm planning. I told family that I need rest and not to be offended that I might not show up or stay longer than I have too. If they don't understand, though! I matter also and so do you. Hang in there and keep writting here, it helps. Good luck.
Nicole

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 11:30am
It is so nice to have this much support and someone who finally will listen. I try to talk to my husband but all he can do is change the subject. Last night was bad for me, the last few days of feeling down and crap all built up and when the kids went to bed i let it all out, I tried to talk to my husband and all he said was Goodnight Hun, I love you. I know its because he doesnt know what to do but i just want him to understand how i feel. So i ended up crying till about 3 am then tryign to go to sleep. I hate feeling this way but i do and there is nothing i can do to stop it right now. I feel stupid talking to my Doctor about this. This is a new Doctor too so it makes me feel like hes going to thinks im whineing or just being a big baby about things. I will deffinatly put on a smile for my kids but on the inside im going to be thinking "what is everyone thinking of me, are they jugdeing me or do i look bad in there eyes?" I used to be a very skinny 16 yr old, then i got pregnant with 2 kids and now im a fat blob 25 yr old. I look at myself sometimes and think Im not that bad, and my husband tells me im not fat, but then i see pictures of myself and how i look to others and it makes me sick. I would much rather end it all then to deal with it anymore. But i tell you what My kids keeps me going. I cant lay around and sulk, Instead im a grumpy, unhappy person who wants to be left alone, and its not good for them, when makes me feel worse that im like that to them. I love them and dont want them to hate me forever because of this.
Sorry im going on and on again,
Hope you guys have a great Christmas! (holiday)