Had a better day, but can it last???...m
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| Wed, 12-22-2004 - 4:58pm |
for the next few days? I have to go in for two half days, tomorrow, and Friday, in the morning. It went well today, but didn't know what to expect this morning as is. In the end, I made a small mistake, thinking I could white it out, but don't know what to expect now, which means tomorrow may be a horrible day now. He doesn't know about it yet, I mean, it can be reversed, who knows, the first thing that I came in my mind was "What was I thinking???, I"m soooo stupid, why am I not concentrating???, I was on a role, and spoiled it!" I'm not looking forward to it at all! I suck royally. He tells me that he really doesn't need me, but he is only doing it because he knows I need money. He even tells me this. He needs me now, b/c he is pretty busy, but come January, he doesn't need me very much. The only good part about it is that it give me time to look for a job, but like he tells me, he's doing me a favour, and because of my mother, he is not letting me go. Also, I'm beginning to wonder if my depression is getting in the middle of this "not being able to concentrate or focus????!!!!" I mean, can it be possible, and affect my work? Has anyone had this problem before??? or is it the environment that I'm working in???
Right now, I can't win at this moment, and I just take the abuse and "harrassment", because I really can't win regardless. I did tell him that I almost did "stuff" to myself once, when I was telling him a story of old roommates and the problems that I was having. Sometimes as a joke, he would tell me that "there is the window, jump, but, just don't leave a mess..."sick, sick joke, especially when he is making fun of me regarding counselling at times. Like I said, there is no one I could go above him. He is self-employed. I know that he could get his butt fired if he was working for someone else, but I out of luck there.
During a short review, he did tell me that I have a hard time adjusting..hmm, I wonder why????, is it because of the way he is flipping treating me???? and that I don't know when he is joking or not(still not knowing him well enough).
I have been to a temp agency, and they are as slow as molasses. I only worked once for them, and that's it. Once I called them, and this person told me that she will call if there is work. So, I don't call? I read the booklet, and they say that you are suppose to call. Well, I know that if she gives me that kind of attitude again, I'll complain, or tell them that I'm going to another temp agency, because they are useless to me. So, right now, I'm in a rock and a hard place.
Anyway, I must get going, but thanks for listening, and keep me in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow morning, I need it, because I really don't know what kind of day tomorrow will bring, especially that tiny mistake.
PS. he does make mistakes himself, b/c I heard him, but of course, that doesn't count.
PS. he would sometimes swear at me too, but as I said earlier, I'm sh!t out of luck!
Kristina

Kristina -
Depression
peace and love,
just_a_big_kid
The ups and downs of depression are the hardest I know.
The thing to remember now when you have a bad day is that you CAN have good ones and they will come again. And slowly the good ones WILL out last the bad.
*hugs