Very sad about DH, please help...

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Very sad about DH, please help...
8
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 9:49am

Is this disrespectul? Or am I overreacting?

Please bear with me; I will try not to be too long. First of all, I want to give you some background. My dh and I have been married 12 yrs. We do have fun together, but in some ways, he has not grown up. He has a very responsible job, but that seems to be the only place that he is an adult. He helps a bit with the house if I beg him to, but doesn't like to really be a dad, unless it's to do fun stuff (i.e. occasionally take our 8 y/o to the movies). He is not really a part of our daily family life. Okay, he does have to work, but he could go in earlier and be home for supper, instead of working 9-7. I feel like the kids and I are on one team, and dh is on another team: his own. He goes out two or more nights a weeks with friends, on Fridays till well after midnight. Once a month or so, he gets so drunk that he's completely useless the next day. He complains about mowing the lawn in the summer, and never shovels the walk: it's all left for me to do. My dh is a people-pleaser and cannot say "no" to anyone but me and the kids. He's almost 40, so isn't it time to grow up?

My therapist has told me that I need to be more assertive about my wants and needs. If I don't want him to go out, I need to make that clear instead of biting my tongue, so I have started to do that. Okay, now here's the issue of the moment: his birthday is on Wednesday and he is off work all next week. He told me last night that he's planning a birthday celebration for himself (I have invited people over for him in that past), and is inviting friends to go out with him till 3 or 4 in the morning. I asked him why it has to be so late, b/c then I can't go (I don't have a sitter who will stay that late). He said (quite nastily) that he LIKES to go out that late, so THAT'S what he's GOING to do. (Not that he doesn't do this a few times a month anyway...) He said I can come out for the first part of the night, then go home. BTW, this happens quite a lot at parties and such: he stays and I leave to get home to the sitter. I said, "So, I'm like your little handmaid then." He laughed (???) and said, "No, then you'd come home and clean." Me: "So then I'm the nanny." Him: "Get your parents to let the kids sleep over." Well, my dad just got back from a 2-month, overseas business trip last night, my parents are doing Xmas dinner for 12 people on Sunday, and they are taking the kids for two nights in January. There's no way I'm asking them to do this. Then, he said to ask his parents. But his dad is having open-heart surgery in January and is feeling very tired and anxious. The last thing they need is two little kids sleeping over. Finally, he suggests we go out to dinner together the night before and then he goes the next night with friends.

I feel really sad and left out. Why wouldn't he want to celebrate his birthday with ME? He keeps saying how much he loves me, but he sure doesn't show it. I like my friends, too, but on special days, I like to go out with my husband and spend time with him. Do you think I'm taking this too personally? What should I do?

Nicola

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 10:19am

I think you are doing the right thing by discussing this with your therapist and by expressing your thoughts to your husband. You can't win every time, so you need to decide how important this is to you. Are you upset because he wants to be out this 'one night', or is it a combination of issues? He seems determined to have these occasional nights out with his friends. Can you talk with him sometime soon and let him know that a relationship is "give and take" and if he insists on "taking" these nights out, he really needs to "give" and connect more with his family at other times?


In other words, if he was more connected with the family, would these nights out be less painful for you?


Be fair to him about this though.... if this is the way it's always been done, it will take time to work on changing it. Changing the rules in an adult relationship has to be negotiated for it to be successful.


Good luck!

~ cl beanygurl ~
Insomnia & Sleep Problems


I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
-Eric Sykes

Avatar for mumontherun
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Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 1:37pm

Thanks for your insight. You are right that there are many issues involved here. However, I wouldn't characterize weekly outings as "occasional." He spends less time with me than he does with buddies. We have discussed many times that I would like him to spend more time with us, but it hasn't happened. We have also been to therapy. On the weekends, he likes to sleep in and then go out on his own for the afternoon. He says he needs time alone. And yet, when I mention splitting up, he says he needs us. At this point, I am ready to walk. I think it is the best thing for me, as I just feel worse and worse about myself every day that we are together. It is not that he is abusive, but he is cold.

Anyway, thanks for your reply. I am so unhappy right now that I just want to curl up and disappear.

N.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 2:45pm

sorry, I misread your post and thought the outings were once a month. Several times a week and then saying he needs time alone on the weekends is really a different story altogether! I can see how this would be about more than just his birthday night out.


I can certainly understand why you are upset. Have you discussed your thoughts about ending your relationship with your therapist?


Sorry again for misunderstanding.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 4:14pm

Hi -


Just my two cents, but I don't think you are overreacting. It sounds like he wants his own life, which doesn't include you and the kids, yet when you mention splitting up, and he says he needs you, it sounds like he needs you to be a maid more than his wife (particularly if needing you isn't accompanied by loving you and the kids!). I agree that you should really discuss this with your therapist and decide what is right for you, because you have your own needs and

peace and love,

just_a_big_kid

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 12-25-2004 - 9:24am

Hi, I have discussed this with my therapist, but then dh keeps saying that things will get better and they do...for a little while. Anyway, I'm going to wait till the stress of the holidays is over, then figure out what to do. Right now, I'm not working, so I'm not very independent, but I may have work in January. Also, my FIL will be having open-heart surgery in early January, probably the first week, so I don't feel like I can really add to my husband's burdens right now. I'll wait till after the surgery's done, and by that time, I hope I'll have a clearer idea of what I want.

Thanks again for answering,
Nicola

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 12-25-2004 - 9:34am

Thank you for replying, Sue.

I said to my therapist at one point that maybe I should just go away for a couple of weeks and see how he does, and my T said, "What will that do except make him sorry that his maid isn't there anymore?" Good point. I want him to *love* me, not just *need* me. However, this time of year is worse than normal in terms of him going out a lot b/c there are a lot of work commitments, too. Also, his dad is having a quadruple bypass in early Jan, sometime around the 1st, and he's pretty stressed about that. His dad is 76 y/o, extremely overweight (5'8", 240 lbs.) and diabetic, so not a great candidate for surgery (from what I've read, but nobody else seems to think there are any risks). So I'm going to wait till the surgery's done, hopefully he will make it through okay, and then see how things go. I am also not working right now, but am hoping to have a job in Jan. If not, it won't be till September.

Anyway, sorry to go on so long again. Thanks for your thoughts, and I hope you enjoy Christmas with your mom.

~Nicola

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Sun, 12-26-2004 - 12:23am

Hi,

I sympathize very much with your situation. My ex-husband was the exact same way. He would much rather be out with his friends than doing anything with me. This would have been fine if it hadn't been a multiple times a week thing... and if one of his best friends hadn't been a woman he became very "close" to.

It was so hard for me because I felt like blaming myself thinking that maybe I was missing something that he needed to find in other people. You didn't mention it at all, but if you're feeling that way, don't. This is definitely his issue and it seems like he's trying to retreat back into an adolescent state. He can't expect you to be the only grown up in the relationship. If he can't be there for you and your kids the way he should be, maybe he's not the person you thought he was. Or maybe this is just a stage... But either way, with as difficult as things must be for you now, I know it seems like if he left, things would be worse... but believe me, things get easier. Keep hanging in there. And something said in one of the posts reminded me of a quote... "Do you love me because you need me or do you need me because you love me?"

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 12-26-2004 - 1:25pm

Thanks for your reply. Right now, I am not sure what I want to do about our relationship. I have tried so many times to make it work. A few months ago, he finally agreed to go into therapy on his own, but only went 3 times b/c he then realized that he didn't actually have any problems! Anyway, I don't usually feel great at this time of year, so I don't want to make any life-altering decisions.

Thanks so much for your insight.

~Nicola