I am so terrible...triggers
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| Sat, 12-25-2004 - 10:29am |
Well, Christmas with the family was great. My son thoroughly enjoyed it. We were supposed to go to Tennessee to see my stepdad's family for Christmas, but my son wasn't feeling too hot when we woke up this morning. We decided to skip the drive and go home instead. He looks like he's feeling a little better now.
But, the reason I feel like such a terrible, ungrateful and horrible person is because my sister got engaged yesterday and I'm so upset about it. I am happy for her but I can't help but feel so angry about it. Not at her...but at myself...maybe at God, I'm not sure. I am the oldest of 3 girls. In college I fell in love with my best friend in the world and when I told him how I felt about him he split. I wasn't even asking him to be with me...I just wanted him to know. When the person who knows you better than anyone else in the world doesn't love you...it's kinda hard not to take that as a judgement on yourself. Especially when the middle sister got married to her best friend after she proclaimed her secret love to him. The middle one got married several years ago and I didn't handle it well...it was supposed to be my turn. But, I thought...next time will be my turn. Then my mom got remarried. That was weird. Even my mother can find someone to stay by her side, but my boyfriends run for the hills anytime the L word is even insinuated. Then my father got engaged (he's waiting for an anullment from the Catholic Church before he gets remarried). I turned 28 and was getting all sorts of comments from extended family members at every wedding. Now my youngest sis is getting married...I'll have another year of stupid comments and people making me feel like crap. I mean...how can people say that? I already feel bad enough about it. I have a son and for him to not have a dad in the family kills me. His dad abandoned us before he was born. I also just broke up with a guy I had been dating for 1.5 years because he didn't see us developing into a "deep relationship" but he still wanted to "hang out" with me. You all know what that means. I'm good enough to spend the nite with...but not much else. I feel like total and utter crap today. I want to cry...but can't. I never can really cry but when I take paxil...it's harder for me to cry. Thank God I am on Paxil...I would be a basket case right now without it. Why can't I be okay with this??? I feel like a terrible person. I should be happy for her. I can't help but feeling like this is it...I'll NEVER find anyone to be happy with...like something is defective about me. Why can't it be my turn? BTW, it's not about a "wedding"...I have decided if I ever do get married it will be through JP no pomp/circumstance..my money is better spent other ways. It's about my calling to be a wife and mother. It's about my desire for a complete nuclear family. It's about sharing my life and growing old with someone...even though there's never any guarantees...I would like a chance at it.

My hubby and I met when I was 30. Love comes when you aren't looking for it.
Sure, it would be nice for your son to have a dad in the picture, but it will either happen or it won't and you really can't hold yourself up to other people for comparison. All you can do is be the best you that you can, the best mom for your son and try not to be jealous of others... they may not be as happy as they seem.
You haven't failed by not being married. You've had the opportunity to grow as an individual and really get to know yourself.
My sisters found their husbands at a younger age and both are divorced now. You'll find your life-love when you least expect to.
I agree with the previous post. When I was "looking for love" and feeling sorry for myself that all my friends were hooking up but not me, I was either in no relationship or ones that went nowhere. When i moved (and made a geographical cure from someone who thought I was the one but I knew she wasn't) and decided I didn't want a relationship, that I was going to "play the field" (yeah right, I am so shy I would never find "the field!"), mutual friends introduced me to who was to become my life partner - and she had stopped dating for a year before she met me for the same reasons - she only attracted women who weren't interested in a long term relationship.
So, that is a long-winded way of saying, give yourself a break for awhile, maybe make a pact with yourself not to date for a period of time, the right one usually does come along when you least expect it! No matter what your sexual orientation!!
peace and love,
just_a_big_kid
Sue
peace and love,
just_a_big_kid
I have to agree with the other two posters. I actually got married at 25, and was the only married one of all my friends for years. One of my best friends just got married four years ago at 32 and now has an adorable one-year-old son. I just went to my 20th high school reunion a couple of months ago, and only one of the women who got married at the same time as me was still married (as am I). Out of the 25 women who were there (private all-girls school), the vast majority had married in their thirties. In fact, most had very young children, i.e. under three, and all were 36-37 y/o. Honestly, if you're a college grad, then it's completely normal NOT to be married at your age.
You are probably being choosey, which is a good thing IMHO. You are not buying a new dress, after all! You are choosing someone to be a partner in your life and a father to your son--you need someone great, not someone "okay." It's not always easy to meet someone when you have a kid, either; it will take someone special. But he is out there, he just hasn't been lucky enough to meet you yet.
I hope the New Year will bring you peace, joy and LOVE!!!
~Nicola
I know this is not easy, but what other people think of you is none of your business. In fact, what they say speaks more about them than you! Somehow, you need to put up an invisible deflector when those comments start. It is none of their business anyway!
Hang in there. I'm assuming that your sister wants you to go to the wedding??!! Forget about all the others - remember that this is her occasion and not your lack of one, even if the others can't!
peace and love,
just_a_big_kid
Sue
peace and love,
just_a_big_kid
Hi.