Why am I not worth loving or living...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Why am I not worth loving or living...
8
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 10:06am


Hello All,

I feel so selffish for going away fro a while then coming back and being a complete downer so I am very sorry for that....

This time of year is so bad for me I never realized just how bad until this past month..
I miss my son so much and I wish that I could just jump in my car right now and drive to Arizona and be near him for the rest of his life but hten I think why does he need me I would just mess him up more I have already messed up the first few years of his life I do not want to mess up the rest of his years plus he has his step mother Stephanie who is so wonderful to him and loving and carring and just great.. and then there is me who is so down and desperate and sad and worthless and I have a million issues with mysefl and my life so why burden him with these things he is a child who deserves a happy life and there are times when I think that I will not be a part of that happiness cause of the way that I am..
Then I think about my dad I know a huge waste of time for me.. but I think about how I was born in the middle of a seperation and how I was not something that was really wanted and I think about how my dad just up and walked away from me my mom and sister and never looked back forgot about us got a new life with new kids and just forgot about the ones he already had..why could he not love me love us why could he not be with us and be a father then I thin about how I went to Arizona to get to know my dad to give him a second chance at having a daughtr he didnt know and all he could do was hurt me more verbally abuse me chase me thru his house make me think he was going to kill me steal monet from me all I wanted was a father nothing more but I got less than that I got a jerk who is not capable of loving me or anyone but himself. Why I dont know why what did I do to mkae him hate us I wish I had the answer to that but I dont think I ever will all he is..is a pot smoking alcoholic and he will never be anything else but that he doesnt know his grandson and grand daughter he never will how sad....
Then I think about the screaming silence that runs thru my family the dont talk about it silence that pierces your ears and heart..dont talk about it cause if you do it will make it real dont speak it is all in your head it doesnt really exist..dont talk about the pain that you are in that may make it real the silence hurts so bad I never thought that the things that happened in my childhood would effect me so strongly as an adult how I am afraid to speak afraid to live afriad to die afraid to move forward afraid to heal afraid to be me where is me I remember me I remember when I was younger not too you ng maybe 21 which was only 8 years ago but seems like a lifetime away..I remember laughing smiling having fun being ME but where did I go? will I ever come back?
Then I think about something that sareen said to me about how my friend Scott only wants to get in my pants I confront scott he says that I am cute and sweet and that he wouldnt mind that happening(just so you know scott and I dated back in high school for like a year) then I think about the guys that have come and gone in my life this past two years or so and it is true none of them wanted to be with me for me they wanted to get in my pants thats all they wanted they didnt want to get to know me or love me be with me so that proves Sareen right I am not worth loving or being with I am not worth any of the things that I crave I am not worth getting to know being with Sareen was right ya know she was right...
I cry every day for like 2 months now I dont know why I cry at night watching television I do it very quietly so no one will hear cause you cant do that in my family sometimes I want to die sometimes I want to dissapear since I am already invisible to the world i live in I might as well make it for real just walk away from it all maybe run away from it all..
I dont want to feel this way any more..
I told my aunt I hate being the messed up one in the family the one who thinks differently the one who acts differently the one who is just different the one who is sensitive the one who is so messed up the one who sees their body as bad food is bad theo ne who sees themselves as so ugly they are scary the one who has shakey eyes the one who hates life..
I am so sorry but I dont know what to do anymore I cant do it anymore.
Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 10:26am

((((((((((((((((Erin)))))))))))))))))


I know how hard it is right now, but I want you to hold on sweetie.

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 11:05am
Thank you caly so much..you are such an amazing person...
I just feel so lost right now like there is nothing left for me in Connecticut nothing to loose nothing to gain..
I hate feeling so lost and so tired all the time..
thanks again
Erin
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 11:30am
(((((Erin))))), the mere fact that you're a breathing human being proves you're worth loving, but there's more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 4:07pm
Thanks for the support and insight I hope that one day I will be just happy nothing major just happy wake up and enjopy the sun on my face stuff like that..I do not think that I am asking for much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 4:30pm

Erin,

I just read your post, just wanted to say I can relate. And I say that because for me, It makes me feel better (less freakish) to know someone else can relate. I too had to give up my child (girl). I too feel like my life is worthles, that I wasted too much time being weird and troubled, and now I'm playing catch up, but who am I trying to fool? I'm trying really hard to be my own best friend, learn to speak loving to myself. At least you have the "fight" in you to let others know how you really feel. It take ALOT of integrity and guts to do that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 6:10pm
Celease,
Thank you so much it does help to know that I am not the only one it does help to know that there is someone out there who knows what it is like to be this way.....
thanks again.
Erin
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 6:51pm
you're from Connecticut- that could be part of the problem! I was born and raised back East and I flew the coop to Oregon 12 years ago. Unfortunately, Connecticut apparently wasn't my only problem...I grew up middle class in a very richie-rich neighborhood. I was adopted at birth and my parents were good people. My Dad passed a year ago, 12/17.I have spent years in therapy trying to deal with our relationship. He was extremely smart and successful but he had no ability to understand love or connect in a way that did not involve conditions. I think he had a chemical imbalance but he was of the generation not to go there if you know what I mean. His death practically has destroyed me- or so I feel. You are your own person and do not have to be your parents' kid. It's so damn hard to shake all those things that have been said and done. I know I still feel my Dad sitting there going "buck it up kid" or "you can't let emotions get in the way of success" "don't be such a wimp" oh lordy I could go on. Even when he told me how proud he was of me I hardly believed it. I'm still trying to please him and he's in the grave. I have had the same job as a legal assistant for 10 years and this year, I have felt like I wanted to crawl in a hole and not come out until I felt something other than anxiety and pain. I did a lot of faking but it seemed like every three weeks I was breaking down all over again and couldn't go to work. I'm not at work RIGHT NOW because I can not seem to put myself there. My boss should probably by all accounts fire me for being such a wimp and not going to work. I would do anything not to be feeling this way. It is only with the help of risperdal and effexor that I am getting up in the morning right now. I feel like such a drama queen. My counselor and my NP prescription manager tell me what I feel is normal and okay and no, I don't have to be over it. But I feel like the rest of the world is telling me to BUCK IT UP KID! GET OVER IT. I got online because I am at my wits end. I am normally a hugely social and outgoing person. I give everyone else support. But recently, I've been looking for a little support back and it's like people look at me with blank stares and go "gee, that must suck." News Flash: IT TOTALLY SUCKS. It's taken 36 years but my mother finally validated my feelings today and said she understood I would not feel this way if I had a choice. Irisheyes, I don't think we have a choice. I don't know about you, but I feel like I am doing whatever I can to keep myself together and not freak out at the next person who looks at me crosseyed. I feel like I need a break. Can we breathe without feeling the anxiety? Can we make it through one damn day without bursting into tears? Thank you for expressing yourself and making me feel as if I can do the same and that maybe, I'm not such a wimp and other people have similar issues. You gotta watch out for Connecticut. They'll turn you into a Stepford before you even realize it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 1:53am

erin,

it is totally natural for you to want to be with jakob- that means you are a good mom. and hopefully in the near future you will be closer to him permanently. as for your dad, you know i relate- we deserved better. but it is not your fault and you have to remember that it was just a bad card you were dealt. you are an amazing person with a wonderful heart who touches so many lives for the better- i know you don't see that about yourself but that is what friends are for- to see it for you. you are worth loving and many people love you. if for no one else, keep putting one foot in front of the other for jakob. he needs you. trust me, as long as you love him nothing else matters to him. i care about you and need you here too. feel better.