Don't Have the Strength to be Strong

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Don't Have the Strength to be Strong
2
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 3:48pm

Hi ladies,

I'm new around here. I'm glad I found this. I need to vent, or else I'll implode. I'm living with my boyfriend in a very crazy, ab relationship. The craziness has been 10 months of lifechanges, lies, and topsy-turvy-ness. I finally ended it for good two weeks ago. But we're both on the lease for our apartment, and I have to save up to leave. There's a lot going on. I'll write in two other installments, so no one tires of reading. I'm trying to be strong, I made it through the holidays. And yes, I have clinical depression. Had it most of my life, diagonosed about 8 years ago. Been on zoloft, prozac. I stopped those because I couldn't deal with the side effects/ feeling like a zombie. Have been trying naturopathy (herbs,supplements,accupunture) and am on a program from Midwest Stress Relief Center (I'll post on that for those interested at a later date). Basically it's a cognitive self help series to attack depression and anxiety. I listen to tapes and do lessons. The tapes have been helping me alot, hearing about others having the same symptoms and worse, then overcoming. It helps me feel empowered to fight for my mental and emotional health. I'm all I have in life, so I've been fighting one thing or another for a very long time. But I don't have the strength now.

I feel sapped. My ex as I found out is also depressvive, and deeply emotionally disturbed. He's been emotionally abusive, and punishing me for the sins of his former wife, and every woman who ever hurt him (in his mind... more on that next post) What I'm confused about is....I know I need to be authentic in my pain. Meaning, it's okay to be hurt, sad. But I don't want to be a victim. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, but I feel sorrow, and I don't know how to direct it. Part of my emotional imbalance has been to be self-destructive. As in self-destructive behavior. I've realized it's anger directed inward, because I can't/don't leash at people, so I end up tearing down myself. I don't want to do that, but I haven't learned to deal with anger in a healthy manner. Does anyone have suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 5:41pm

Hi Celease!


Sounds to me like you are taking all the right steps, now it just about giving yourself time.

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 6:06pm

Hi Celease,

First let me tell you that I think it is great that you ended an abusive relationship that is a huge step in the right direction.
Second I also think that it is great that you are able to recognize the things with in yourself that need to be worked on not many people can see the things that they need to improve within themselves in order to improve their lives..
I think that you are a very stong woman for doing the things that are right for you and taking the baby steps needed in order to achieve those things.
I also agree that you have every right to be angry feel pain but like what caly said it is all on how you deal with it and let it out for me I was sometimes still am self destructive I used to do drugs and cut things like that I love the way external pain feels hence why I have tattoos not many only three but they range from kinda small but not really to huge and they are beautiful..but anywways..the thing is I have anger issues also I dont know how to express it so I unlike you lash out at people which is so not a good thing..so as far as I am concerned you have a bit better grasp on your anger than I do but it is so not good to keep it all in.
so anyways I hope that the CBT that you are doing is helpful for you and I hope that in no time you will begin to feel better and smile at life again.
Erin