third post/ I feel so stupid (triggers)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
third post/ I feel so stupid (triggers)
1
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 4:53pm
How could I have been so stupid? I'm so angry I could spit!!! I want to have a tantrum! I want to scream and throw things. The problem is I can't so I turn it on myself.I'm trying to practice positive, loving self talk. I can have compassion towards myself with mistakes. But I realize there's a difference between mistakes and bad judgement. This relationship was selfish, bad, reckless judgements. Not listening to my instincts, using my head. Feeling helpless, desperate. I feel like I have no one to blame for my pain but myself, but yet I know I don't deserve this. Yet there's a voice in me telling me that "You deserve this. You brought this on yourself". Or, "You're almost 33, how could you be so childish, not use your head?" I have such great insight into everyone else, why do I throw common sense out the window when it comes to my heart? The thing with me especially is that because of the drama my emotional instability has caused in my relationships, and the subsequent regrets, I'm too trusting. I give people chances. I believe in people. I want to believe they can change, because I've change. So all the times he told me he would change, I believed in him, because I needed people to believe in me, and they didn't. I don't want to be cold like others in my life have been. They were right to protect themselves, but they didn't believe I could change and grow/grow up. They missed out on the growth, the person I became/am becoming. That hurt. I wish they could have seen me blossom. So being soft hearted, I give people I love the benefit of the doubt. I believe anyone can make possitive changes if they want to. But the jokes on me in this case. How do I find the balance of protecting myself with good judgement, and being compassionate?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 5:53pm

Who says you cant scream and throw things?

*hugs