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Phone Calls
| Tue, 12-28-2004 - 1:40am |
I don't know why I did it...I broke down and called the ex boyfriend. I didn't ask him to call me back...I just wanted to wish him a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I knew he wouldn't answer, so I just left him a message. Then he calls me back at 1AM. We talked for a good half hour. I don't know why, but in that half hour, I decided to tell him about my depression and how I'm taking medication. During the whole year and a half we were together, I never told him about that. Now, for some reason, I felt the need to tell him. I don't even know why I called him. Especially after he made me feel the way he did when he "dumped" me. I cried for over a week. I really loved him, but when he told me that he was highly attracted to me and enjoyed spending time with me but didn't see this developing into a long term relationship (IE I still want to spend the nite, just not much more than that)...I had to let it go. I don't know why I called him...I didn't want to see him...I just wanted to talk to him. I really wanted to call him a bad name and tell him how much he hurt me...but of course I didn't. I wanted to tell him that after I last saw him on Thanksgiving that I cried for 3 days straight and felt like I was going crazy from the pain. I wanted to tell him that I wanted to die after he told me what he told me...I wanted to explode into a million pieces...I wanted to cease to exist...I wanted to will myself away from everything and everyone. I didn't say any of that though. I just told him about my depression and how it's been a long fight with it. He was somewhat surprised. *SIGH* I'm going back to bed...feel like crying...but Paxil somehow makes it to where I can't. Anyone else have that problem?

When my sons father broke up with me I felt like I was literally going to die right there on the spot but some how I managed to make it thru and become friends with him and his wife (whom is closer to me than any of my friends here in Connecticut)I wanted to tell him so bad how much I still loved him how much I wanted to be a family still how much he hurt me but I didnt what I did do is write letters to him expressing my feelings then I burned them or ripped them up into tiny pieces and you know what that helped alot and I think that is why I am okay today ya it is 4 years later but it is never easy to get over someone that you love with all you have inside of you.
Maybe there is a reason why your heart and head would not let you say what you felt you needed to say maybe your heart knew that it would not help you I know that maybe that is not what you needed or wanted to hear but maybe there is a reason to it all.
I wish that I had some great words of wisdom to give you but I dont just know that I know how hard it is and that you are not alone.
Erin
Paxil and Effexor made me feel numb. I could feel depressed, I just couldn't DO anything about it (like cry). Very weird.
Right now I'm struggling not to call a man I recently said goodbye to. I keep thinking up excuses to email him but so far I haven't acted on them. But New Year's is coming and I've been saying to myself 'what's the harm in just sending him a cyber kiss at midnight?' I know I shouldn't but the temptation is so great. I really need some strength.