How do i get to be who i was?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
How do i get to be who i was?
10
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 2:58pm
Two and a half years ago, I was in my third year of college and i began to get horrible stomachaches. I was always convinced i was going to get physically sick and avoided alot of activities. This fear of getting sick eventually erupted into panic attacks, which involved dizziness, stomachaches, dirrahea, tingles, racing heartbeat, and shaking. So you canm understand why I drew further away from the world. I didnt want anyone to see me like this. Alo of my realtionships with friends were cutoff because they didnt understand what was happening to me - they told me just to stop it. My mother told me the same. It hurt that people didnt want to help. I went for all sorts of tests even an edsocopy in the hospital to see what was wrong with my stomach. The results came back with nothing always! So i went to a therapist and it turns out that i was really stessed out about things. This anxiety led to depression - alot of depression. But i thought i was getting better. with each session that went by i said to myself i dont belong here - i didn have a biological problem,, i didnt have some traumatic experience, i didnt have an illness - but why was i here sitting in this man's office telling him things. Well turns out after six months my stomachaches went away and i was feeling great BUT in the back of my mind i knew something was gonna happen and it did. My dad got sick, my boyfriend moved away, college was ending with no job prospects in site, and my two best friends said they couldnty be my friends because they couldnt deal with my moods. Something else happened to me - i developed on obsessive thought which still remians nine months later. I have this thought that i am the only person here and nobody understands me. I have tried to just stop it - it doesnt work. I have tried to ignore it - it doesnt work. I have tried alot of things. Its funny idont share this with anyone but my therapist and my bf and tehy both tink im doing much better - maybe i am and im just beinghard on myself. but i still cant shake it. I think the scariest thing is thaty i dont remember who i was before all of this happened? I want a normal life - i know its possible because i have dreams. I can imagine myself getting married, having a family and a successful career in adream where these thoughts dont torment me. But the problem is when and how do i get there? If someone could offer me any advice or personal stories i would greatly appreciate it to know that im not the only one going through something as bizarre as this feels.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 3:05pm

Hi there


Welcome to the board.

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 8:46am

It's important to treat your panic attacks either through therapy, meds, or a combination of both. Too many people end up isolating themselves out of fear of an attack and it becomes not so much the actual attacks that scare you as it is the fear of one coming on-the anticipation. It's sad that others think we can just "snap out of it", it doesn't work that way. BTW I suffer from GAD (which seems to bring with it obsessive and ruminating thoughts), PD, as well as depression.

As for obsessive thoughts, I know firsthand how paralyzing they can be. All I can suggest is to keep busy if at all possible. If your thoughts become worse at night perhaps a sleep aid is in order. I know it's the only way I finally managed to get any sleep after more years than I can count lying awake all night with a thought, or thoughts, looping around in my head. It can still happen to me, day or night, but not as often and it's amazing how a good night's sleep can improve mood. I'm finally finding that out after being a lifelong insomniac.

Here's another idea. It might sound crazy but have you ever tried guided imagery? It's not that it's a cure, it's merely a tool to help you relax while it's going on and give you ideas on how to 'talk to yourself' at other times too. It's not easy and it probably won't come to you right away, but with much practice it may be a useful tool. Here's a quick link that discusses just the basics but it's enough to give you the idea. http://health.yahoo.com/health/alternative_medicine/alternative_therapies/Guided_Imagery/
I hope some of this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 9:13am
That guided imagery link was really interesting. Thanks for sharing that with us. I learned something today as always!

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 9:23am
Thank you I will take a look at the guided imagery - that is something i have never tried.
I think the thing that is so annoying about this whole situation is that fact that i have a couple of great days but then the second something happens i lose it and i feel as though the fall is ten time harder to come back from. I feel like i dont know who i was before all this happen - i think that is why i never got better initally afte rmy panic attacks stop because i didnt remember who i was without stomachaches.
Second of all the thought i have are not true thoughts yet my head and racing thoughts makes me question me which creates a huge sense of fear in itself. I do keep busy and when im busy i can usually cease from the thoughts. When im out with friends or at work with the children(im a teacher) i most likely have a good day - its when i have long periods with myself or sometimes when im one on one with a person that i lose it. I get aggravated and have been very mean to my boyfriend at times. I feel as though i am drained of all my emergy because of this. and like i said the ironic thing is that i know its not true, BUT i still cant stop it and then the cycle begins again. But i will try this guided imagery and hopefully it will help. Thank you so much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 10:00am
You're very welcome. I hope it can help a little.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 10:05am
You're welcome and I understand completely everything you're saying. It's so hard and yes anger is also a problem when all of this happens. As for the stomachaches you might want to ask your doctor about a med for it. My stomache was so irritated from all of the stress that my doc put me on something (forgot which) and it helped to calm down the constant irritation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 11:13am
well i actually dont get stomachaches anymore - you see ihad stomachaches for about a year and a half and then 6 m onths into therapy i was feeling better about myself and they went away - i felt like i had more confidence and was able to smile each day - i was becoming more positive - that was forabout two months - and then everything crumbled again - my dad got sick, my boyfriend moved away from me, and i got dumped by two very good friends - i was also taking this religion class at my college and it began to bring up some issues with me and my life as well. I was discomforted about the class and so i began to worry about reely bizarre things that continue to this day(about 9 months) i go to my doctor every two weeks and he doesnt believe in meds. That kinda relieves me though becausei feel like he ios sending a message to me that it doesnt have to be like this. I dont have to be dependant on medicine. He says my problem is situational and that we can work it out but i never though i would need a year a half of therapy. Im 23 years old ive never experienced anything like this before - for the most part my life has been pretty good. But since i turned 20 ive had these probems i wanna know when the end is
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 11:50am
Hi there!

You don't have to have had a tragic event in your life to suffer from depression or anxiety.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 2:20pm
ha sometimes i could just keep the mask on like forever and fool myself at this point. Im so sick andtired of feeling this way and its so frusterating when people say to snap out of it bc youre right they dont understand.
The struggle inside of me is what kills me the most - i feel as though i never know whats true and whats not - i just saw my dr and he says i give it power of me and that i have to work on keep myself distracting and not giving it any importance. That is hard enough! Sometimes its like i dont want that challenge - sometimes im not evensure if i want to be up for it - but its like sitting there on the edge one of these days im gonan have to if i dont want to live like this - why is it so hard to get started though and to keep the motivation to keep going? I think thats whats gonna kill me ill give up expecting quick results
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 2:55pm

*sigh* I hear ya on being sick and tired of feeling this way and getting angry at hearing "snap out of it".

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