A long vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
A long vent
1
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 9:05am
Hi,
My name is Amy, I am a mom of two little boys, I am back in school trying to get my nursing degree. I lost a daughter a little over a year ago. I am bi-polar and currently very depressed. I am at odds at my life. I am fighting constantly with everyone in my family. No one is happy with me when I act how I am feeling inside, so I keep everything inside. My bestfriend, and I are going different roads in our lives, we use to always be there for the other person, I thought I would always have her to count on and now she is no longer her for me. I was counting on her to watch my little boys one day a week and now she said that she cant because she has to work. I even offered to pay for her to watch him and she said no. The thing is if situations had been reversed I would of done anything to make sure I was there for her and did any thing to make sure I helped her even if it meant I couldnt work that one day a week. I know my problem is that I am to giving. I have been like that my whole life and now I dont know how to change. Even with my husband. I try to tell people how I feel and they say that I am being nasty and that until I start acting "normal" again they dont want to talk to me anymore. So I have no one, my husband and I fight constantly lately, my best-friend and I are moving in different directions and I am all alone at home with two little boys and feeling depressed.
Even my sex life sucks lately. If I ask my husband to do something just a little bit different he gets all offensive and says that I should go and find someone who makes me happy and who can please me. Little does he know that if my looks were good enough I would. I still have the extra pregnancy weight on, my face is covered in pimples and I have always saw myself as ugly. I am not saying I would leave him, just have an affair I guess so that I know it isnt me that the problem lies within.
I dont know what to do anymore. I feel alone and like I have to do what everyone else wants to make everyone else happy I have no say in what I want anymore. It doesnt matter if I am happy or depressed as long as everyone else is happy that is all that matters, right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
In reply to: spideramy
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 9:23am

>>It doesnt matter if I am happy or depressed as long as everyone else is happy that is all that matters, right?<<


Wrong! It matters very much!

*hugs