Question...defining success in life?
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| Wed, 12-29-2004 - 9:37pm |
Hi again...I got back from my parents' yesterday and slept 14 hours straight...but I'm already so sleepy again that I think I'll have to go to bed very soon...so I will try to make this a quick question...I could definitely use any insight you all have to offer...
So...being able to express myself in words has always been important to me. I used to write poetry constantly as a kid, and even had it published in national kids' magazines, but I gave up writing once my twin sister started doing it. It's been years, and I've tried my hand at it off and on since then, with (in my mind) not-so-great results.
My therapist seems to think this is a big issue...in all my years of therapy, no one else has ever focused on it...but I have to agree that it does trigger a lot of my "down" thoughts sometimes. Regardless of the fact that I'm now doing other, also apparently productive, things with my life, I still often fall into the trap of thinking that since I can't express myself well and won't leave beautiful, insightful poems behind, my life is of no value (yes, black-and-white thinking, I know!).
Even today, I was feeling pretty blue without knowing why...but after reading some amazing poetry someone else had written, I began to feel that sense of hopelessness and uselessness coming on even more strongly again. Great poetry is supposed to make you feel GOOD, right?!
I don't know why my particular obsession seems to be with poetry...my therapist would probably say that it has to do with my sense of having always been the "lesser" twin in my family...and since my sister is an accomplished, widely-published poet, I focus on her successes as a goal for my own life. Hmmm...my therapist may be on to something there!
OK, post is getting very long-winded as usual...I guess my question is, how do you "get past" such a rigid definition of success in life? Especially when I read moving poetry, I feel such a strong twinge of frustration and sadness about my own difficulties in writing that it is hard to "talk" myself out of it.
As you can imagine, these thoughts probably don't help when I do try to write my own poetry...my mind feels like a blank slate, with no creative or original thoughts at all...and as soon as I do write a few words, I immediately edit them or bash them as being horrible. For years, I've even been reluctant to write down any of my thoughts in journals out of fear that, many years later, someone might see them and judge me to be a very stupid and unoriginal person!
As I remember saying to my therapist at my last appointment, the most important things in life to me are individuality and achievement (they would also include things like friendship and family except I think I've given up on having those things myself long ago!). She told me I really need to try to extend my definition of success in life to include other things...but I don't think I know how anymore. Any ideas?
Thanks so much for reading, sorry for such a long and emotional post after I just got back!
Rose
Edit: Oops, I guess I also wanted to ask...instead of trying to widen my definition of success, should I just try to focus on writing more and better poems in order to achieve "success" in my mind? Don't know if that makes sense...hmmm...
Edited 12/29/2004 9:46 pm ET ET by rosa444

I write the same way you do - immediately edit, etc, instead of just writing, and then, if it is something that needs to be edited, go back and do it. It took me forever to write papers because I couldn't get beyond the introductory paragraph until it was "perfect" - it has taken me a number of years to get over my fear of writing in a journal, but the gift of desperation finally won me over to it, and it has been a great help. I have to force myself to just write what is on my mind and not worry about grammar etc. And I had to get over the "what if someone finds it and reads it?" - well, then they will know a little more about who I am as a person.
Which goes to your primary question - defining success. To many people, it is their career. It drives me crazy when i go to parties or other functions and the first question I'm asked is "so, what do you do?".
peace and love,
just_a_big_kid
Thanks so much, Sue...your answer was great. Most of the time, I do tend to define myself almost completely in terms of my (future) career...so when I do badly on an exam or start to feel like I will be horrible at interacting with patients, my mood quickly takes a nosedive. I guess the poetry thing is kind of secondary, then...but I'm not sure...even if I were to become a great doctor, I feel like I would still not have contributed enough of "myself" or enough unique things to the world to have led a meaningful life. Sad, huh?!
I think your definition of success is a much better one...I will keep it in mind and try to work on adopting more of that sort of definition. I guess my low self esteem or depression or whatever else has led me to believe that I am hopeless at showing love or compassion to others or being a great friend or family member...so I am "forced" to focus very narrowly on other things like career. Guess I need to work on that...
This is probably another question altogether, but this makes me wonder if my therapist was right in suggesting that I can control the majority of my moods by changing my thought patterns...I personally feel like there is probably some chemical, uncontrollable element to my mood swings, but that may be just an excuse I've concocted for myself.
Oh, and enjoying the ride through life...that is definitely a hard one, but important, I'm sure...I guess I should consider myself lucky that I do have days or even weeks at a time of feeling pretty energetic and even ecstatic, although those are more than balanced by the depressed days and weeks...
OK, rambling as usual...thanks again, good to "talk" to you again,
Rose
Rose and Sue: you both wrote so much to think about. Alas, I am not much into reading and enjoying poetry so that wouldn't ever be my outlet, but Sue when you said it isn't what you do but who you are, that was so true also.
I don't think it is so much, to use your profession since it isn't a secret what you do, being a Doctor doesn't necessarily define whether you are a success or not, but I am convinced from reading your posts, that your bedside manner and how you deal with your younger patients, that you give them extra TLC in how you take care of them, so to me, that is a success. Almost any profession can be done with some extra love and compassion and to spread some cheer to people whether it is a retail clerk or even delivering mail or whatever, anyone that crosses your path, you can try and be cheerful and helpful and smile at them, so you can spread cheer and happiness, so if someone crosses your path and they leave the exchange feeling better somehow, then to me that is a success. So Rose: just think of all the good things you can do when you become a doctor, I know when my family dr stopped to spend extra time with me almost 2 years ago when I went in with my anxiety and depression, well, it meant so much to me, and I didn't get a chance to thank him until just this past fall, but I did, I told him I appreciated him taking extra time with me that time and making me feel better. Everyone needs some positive strokes in their lives, don't you think?
I was just talking with my therapist last night, how I didn't perfectly handle this week's extra job stress at first, but then the second day, I was remembering, God is in control, I knew that before as a Christian and the 12 steps reinforces it, so if He decided this extra work load is what is needed to be done to help these consumers get better care, then so be it, even if it added to the stress of many of us, in the longterm, if it helps their life be better, so be it. My therapist said she never heard that exact take on it as she has other clients that work where I do, I haven't a clue which jobs they do, but she has shared she sees others from my job.
Rose: glad to have you back! And Sue: I always enjoy your wise perspective on things.
love, Josie.
Rose - OK, I'll try to make this (relatively) short, but I think your therapist is correct, to a point. I certainly believe that serotonin levels affect your mood, BUT, the reason we go to therapy is that we can take other steps to improve our mood (and understand ourselves better). My psychiatrist is a cognitive behavioral therapist. In the beginning, that is what got me going in therapy because I thought of it as a scientific approach to thoughts (and feelings, which I was TOTALLY detached from when i began - he would ask how I felt about something and I would answer with a thought! I had no clue how I was feeling or what he meant!). But the underlying premise is that if you can figure out your automatic thoughts in response to a situation and then look at the evidence to see if there is any validity behind it (which there usually isn't), you can substitute postitive thoughts, which can definitely change your mood and feelings about yourself. And in your case, from what you have shared, I believe you would benefit from it. Of course, 8 years later we have strayed from that model some because other traumatic issues came up, etc. And I haven't always been able to change my thinking - and it often takes time, because it usually directly correlates with your self-esteem. But that is why I think you
peace and love,
just_a_big_kid
Sweetie,
Let me start by saying this.
*hugs