late night thoughts
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late night thoughts
| Thu, 12-30-2004 - 12:25am |
I just felt like if I could write this, it would help to get it off my mind. I am not planning on acting on it. But I keep getting these thoughts replaying in my head. I am on lexapro 20 mg a day. Have been for about 5 months now. I am doin much better in so many ways. Yet I keep havin these fantasies, for lack of a better word, bout ending everything by taking the flexeril I have. I have like over a hundred of them. They are muscle relaxers, small, easy to swallow, so I figure it would be easy. Just relaxing and going to sleep. I am on break, no one would even know I was missing for at least a day or so. But then I think bout my animals, I wonder if someone will take care of them. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just feel so tired sometimes. I won't do anything. I can't let people down like that. I live for them, not for me. Just the way it is.
I just needed to say it. I hope someone understands.
I just needed to say it. I hope someone understands.

You need to call your pdoc and report these intrusive thoughts. ASAP. You may not act on them ever but in a moment of weakness you may. Let me tell you that an overdose of muscle relaxants will actually cause the nerves to go crazy and it wouldnt be very peaceful. I used to have very calm peaceful feelings towards seeing myself hanging. I just kept thinking of how the swaying in the wind would be so peaceful. I wasn't afraid of the vision at all. That is a problem. Now hanging to you might seem an awful thing to think about but overdosing on relaxants seems awful for me to think about. The thoughts are called intrusive thoughts and there are meds that can help control them. If you are not taking the muscle relaxants for anything the best thing is to flush them. You may feel safe that these are just thoughts but mine were just thoughts even after I bought rope. Don't let the peaceful quality of the thoughts make you less aware that they are harmful to you. Please tell your pdoc ASAP. A med adjustment or adding another med to combat the intrusive thoughts will help you tremendously. I look back to the time period I had these thoughts and thank GOD in heaven He had angels protecting me. You don't have to live with thoughts like these they are abnormal thought processes and can be controlled by medication. Please call your pdoc. And I will say a prayer for you.
A Friend,
Julie
Julie
cl-jukie33 DID/MPD
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