Mood Swings?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Mood Swings?!
2
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 9:33pm

Hi all! My name is Kiya and I am 27 years old. I have several diagnoses, starting from when I was about 19 to now. These include depression, bipolar not ruled out (but allergic to all mood stabilizers anyway!)anxiety, panic, OCD, prementrual dysphoric disorder, and ADHD.

The problem for me is that I don't know where one illness ends and another begins. Some of them are so similar, have the same symptoms, etc. and sometimes the symptoms of one lead to the exageration of another. It's so hard. It's also hard to tell if I am feeling a certain way because of my illness(es) or because of something life throws at me and again, where real life ends and illness begins as far as my reactions.

What I seem to be dealing with the most lately is mood swings and it is so hard, because what ends up happening is that I get snappy with my kiddos, who are 6 and almost-4. They're KIDS. They're SUPPOSED to be obnoxious! lol. Really, though, they are the light of my life. But lately (and no, it's not ALWAYS when I am premenstrual although that is a biggy) I find myself going from being happy and cheerful to just defeated and frustrated and cranky within an hour. Usually it IS when they are pushing buttons, misbehaving, etc. but again, they're KIDS. you know? It's not unprovoked but at the same time, I feel it is a bit extreme. At times like that, I feel useless as a parent and wonder what I am doing wrong, then I get depressed that my kids don't listen to me and I end up raising my voice, and it just progresses.

Part of the problem is sleep deprivation, I know. I am a light sleeper and wake up frequently throughout the night, having a hard time getting back to sleep. It really takes it's toll on me. So the next day I am just exhausted and today when I put them down for naptime, all I wanted was a snooze myself. So I lay on the couch and they were not falling asleep in their rooms and they kept coming out and waking me up just as I was dozing off, several times, and I seriously thought my head was going to explode. That is how bad I just needed 20 minutes of sleep. So then I got really cranky for the next hour or so and snappy at them. Then I always feel bad because they are only with me 4 days/week and then with dad/stepmom for 3 days/week, so I have expectations that are probably too high that when they are with me, we will be the perfect, happy little family, etc. Then I perseverate about what a bad mom I am and how it's never going to get any better, etc. etc. And I have constant guilt/ anxiety, because when I need a break or we are having a rough day, I cannot wait to just be alone (I am single and am VERY much a loner) but then when they DO go to dad's, I miss them like crazy and feel guilty that I was counting down the days.. so then when they come home, I can never really relax and just enjoy being a family because I am always very aware of the fact that they will be going back to dad's in 3 days, 2 days, etc. When I grocery shop, it affects the food I buy, when I make plans, when we do anything, I always ask myself and the kids always ask me "Will I be with you or dad on that day?"

So, how much of this is normal parenting/mommy guilt? Is it OCD (the perseveration) anxiety (the sleep issues) depression (the fatigue and the sadness) the ADHD (mood swings) etc. etc. ??? Or is this is a difficult situation and I am reacting as well/poorly as anyone would?

It's so hard to figure it all out. I also have been off all my meds since August as I could no longer drive the 30 miles each way to see my doctor on the one day a week that he works because of my own work schedule, and he wouldn't refill them unless he saw me once a month. (I was on Prozac for depression, seemed to work well. Adderall for my ADHD which I couldn't really tell if it worked, Klonipin when I felt panic attacks coming my way and Ativan to help me sleep, which did work and then I became dependent on it and absolutely could NOT sleep without it.)

Also,, the bipolar thing. My docs and I are having a REALLY hard time distinguishing my symptoms. They are so common to both ADHD and bipolar. ADHD runs in my family, not sure about bipolar. I know depression does. I have read everything I can get my hands on about both, but still we cannot figure it out. We decided I would go on mood stabilizers to "see what happens" but I had to stop all of them within a few days, because I would soon be covered in itchy red bumps. So I can't be treated with meds for bipolar, regardless. Antidepressants so seem to help me, but I cannot tell if it's the antidepressants making me hypomanic or my ADHD making me just hyper. :) I shouldn't smile, I know. But it's just so frustrating! So right now, I am unmedicated and trying to figure out what to do, which is ok I guess, because then I can start the meds game with a clean slate.

Anyone have any insight or book recommendations or just would be willing to commiserate with me? I'm feeling pretty crappy right now.

Part of it too is that I have developed a lot of social anxiety (I used to be a social butterfly) which causes me to feel very self-conscious and panicky at times, I think people think I'm stupid, etc. So here I am with a college degree, I used to work full-time as a case manager for people with mental illness, felt very useful and needed. Now I am working part-time as a teacher's aide, making crappy money. I really want to feel "useful" again, and successful at work, but am so afraid I can't do it, because of anxiety.

Also, do others with depression/anxiety/ADHD have a hard time with time management? I am very organized and I know exactly what needs to be done when, but I have the hardest time getting things done, and I know that time isn't an excuse or my kids, because I only work 20 hours/week and the kids are with dad 3 days a week. So what is my fricking problem? I FEEL motivated, I WANT to do it, but it's just so hard. In my head, I am a confident, social successful working mom, but in reality I feel like a failure in everything I do. Every time I say I am going to do something, I think "I can't do that." It's draining!

Please help!!!
Big hugs to all who actually read ALL of this! lol.
~ Kiya

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
In reply to: kiya3s
Fri, 12-31-2004 - 8:07am

I have all of the above except for the OCD. Previous to this summer, my primary diagnoses were ADHD and chronic depression (with a little anxiety and PMDD thrown on top). I was on a couple of antidepressants and a couple of antianxiety meds, primarily to counteract the side effects of the antidepressants. I had been off stimulants for at least 18 months because I was having heart palpitations and they may have been contrubuting to my anxiety. And I've missed them, because I didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until 36 years of age (before the depression reared it's ugly head) and Ritalin changed my life. Then for some reason this summer my moods changed - it wasn't my normal hyperness, this felt different, i was agitated and it affected my mood. Then I watched the Jane Pauley interview and really identified with what she described. this was all when my pdoc was on a two week vacation of course! So when he got back i started a mood chart and sure enough, I was cycling up and down. So added mood stabilizer, started decreasing antidepressants since they can throw you into hypomania, and a couple of months later, still not stabilized.


I agree, sometimes it is difficult to discern when i'm just being hyper and when I'm cycling up. The mood chart really helps, because time usually tells. And with ALL these conditions, productiveness and time management go out the window!


I've thought about weaning off everything and starting from scratch under the guidance of my pdoc, but I'm still giving the Lamictal a try. I'm also up to the max dose, however, and I'm not sure where we are going after that if I'm not better.


Anyway, i certainly identify with your frustration. Sometimes, I have to remember that I don't have to figure it all out and analyze my symptoms to death, which is my natural inclination. I'm where I am today, and I make the best of it.


hang in there!

peace and love,


just_a_big_kid


Sue

peace and love,

just_a_big_kid

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
In reply to: kiya3s
Fri, 12-31-2004 - 10:18am

Hi Kiya and Welcome


Sue had a wonderful reply to you and seems more up on your problems them I am.

*hugs