maybe my family doesnt want me???
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maybe my family doesnt want me???
| Fri, 12-31-2004 - 9:51am |
Hi ladies,Sorry to be such a down person right now I am not sad per say!!!
Last night my neice was over and my mom was babysitting for a few hours then around 9:30 Luis(for those who dont know I used to share a house with him and my sister I back stabbed my sister she was kinda dating him and I wanted what she had, she was happy and I was not I hooked up with Luis which I regret he threatened me took advantage of me and I moved out)so Luis comes to pick up hannah and I always freak out when he is in my house I want to kill him and he always kisses my mom hello and goodbye on the cheek and it always bothers me so last night I ask my mom why do yu kiss a stranger but not your own kids? all she could say was he kisses me...not a reason behind why she doesnt show her own kids affection she didnt answer that question...why?
Why is it that the thing that you crave the most from your parents you do not get I know that my mother had a horrible childhood and she never dealt with it no therapy nothing..but doesnt she get it that her not dealing with her childhood her not speaking about it her not getting help had effected me and my sister doesnt she see that doesnt she see that her putting Jennifer on a pedistal and not expecting anything from me screwed us up for my sister she chooses or used to choose to be with abusive men physically and emotionally and me I choose to be with men who didnt want me I never had faith in my self never tought I was good enough never liked who I was doesnt she see that?
I am in therapy on meds see a shrink my sister is on therapy no meds though she is better at handeling things than I am..
my sister used to over eat I never ate still dont I hate myself low self esteem ect...why cant my mom see all of this it is out there it isnt hidden at least I dont hide it anymore..
I wont even get into the damage that my father has done to us my sister acts like him leaving never effected her but i know it did why else would we make the choices that we have?
I wish my mom hugged me when I was little kissed me good night showed us she loved us the only time she hugs us is when we are going on vacation and when we get back because the lack of affection I do not like to be touched I get tense I turn to stone I do not know what to do with it and I do not want to be that way forever.
I know I sound like a baby cause here I am wanting my mommy at 29 years old sad I know but hten again I am a sad person..
Thing is I am not depressed I can get out of bed go to work talk on the phone work out things like that I just wish my life was different but I cant change it I do nto have the guts to change it which dates back to my childhood it was not horrible but being ignored is something that effected the way I see myself my mom ignored me mydad didnt want me the only person that lloved me died when I was 20 my Aunt mary she helped raise me actually she did raise me she was great she loved me talk ed to me treated me like I was her child I wish she was still alive but she lived a good life she was born in 1902 lived through famine in ireland lived thru 3 or 4 (cant remember) wars the depression ect...a great woman a strong woman she lived to be 92..
Thing is I am still not over her dealth dont thing I ever will be..
I tried to eat yersterday I ordered a salad with grilled chicken on it healthy right no dressing no bad stuff I ate the salad and I just could not hold it down 5 minutes after I ate I got a gag reflex and threw it all up it is an automatic for me the throwing up happens when I eat anything that is mopre than a handful which mean when I do bring food to work it is something that i grab with my hand if it fills up my hand then it is enough anything beyond that makes me sick..
sorry to talk so much about my eating thing I have not been to therapy she is on vacation have no one else to talk to my mom is ignoring it all even after I spoke to her again about it she doesn know about the vomiting or the laxatives or the diet pills maybe she should know maybe then she would hear what I am saying..
anyways sorry to be such a baby I guess I just needed to vent..
if anyone can help me please do so if anyone can give me isnight on how to approach things with my mom please do so if anyone has dealt with this before please hep me.
Erin
Last night my neice was over and my mom was babysitting for a few hours then around 9:30 Luis(for those who dont know I used to share a house with him and my sister I back stabbed my sister she was kinda dating him and I wanted what she had, she was happy and I was not I hooked up with Luis which I regret he threatened me took advantage of me and I moved out)so Luis comes to pick up hannah and I always freak out when he is in my house I want to kill him and he always kisses my mom hello and goodbye on the cheek and it always bothers me so last night I ask my mom why do yu kiss a stranger but not your own kids? all she could say was he kisses me...not a reason behind why she doesnt show her own kids affection she didnt answer that question...why?
Why is it that the thing that you crave the most from your parents you do not get I know that my mother had a horrible childhood and she never dealt with it no therapy nothing..but doesnt she get it that her not dealing with her childhood her not speaking about it her not getting help had effected me and my sister doesnt she see that doesnt she see that her putting Jennifer on a pedistal and not expecting anything from me screwed us up for my sister she chooses or used to choose to be with abusive men physically and emotionally and me I choose to be with men who didnt want me I never had faith in my self never tought I was good enough never liked who I was doesnt she see that?
I am in therapy on meds see a shrink my sister is on therapy no meds though she is better at handeling things than I am..
my sister used to over eat I never ate still dont I hate myself low self esteem ect...why cant my mom see all of this it is out there it isnt hidden at least I dont hide it anymore..
I wont even get into the damage that my father has done to us my sister acts like him leaving never effected her but i know it did why else would we make the choices that we have?
I wish my mom hugged me when I was little kissed me good night showed us she loved us the only time she hugs us is when we are going on vacation and when we get back because the lack of affection I do not like to be touched I get tense I turn to stone I do not know what to do with it and I do not want to be that way forever.
I know I sound like a baby cause here I am wanting my mommy at 29 years old sad I know but hten again I am a sad person..
Thing is I am not depressed I can get out of bed go to work talk on the phone work out things like that I just wish my life was different but I cant change it I do nto have the guts to change it which dates back to my childhood it was not horrible but being ignored is something that effected the way I see myself my mom ignored me mydad didnt want me the only person that lloved me died when I was 20 my Aunt mary she helped raise me actually she did raise me she was great she loved me talk ed to me treated me like I was her child I wish she was still alive but she lived a good life she was born in 1902 lived through famine in ireland lived thru 3 or 4 (cant remember) wars the depression ect...a great woman a strong woman she lived to be 92..
Thing is I am still not over her dealth dont thing I ever will be..
I tried to eat yersterday I ordered a salad with grilled chicken on it healthy right no dressing no bad stuff I ate the salad and I just could not hold it down 5 minutes after I ate I got a gag reflex and threw it all up it is an automatic for me the throwing up happens when I eat anything that is mopre than a handful which mean when I do bring food to work it is something that i grab with my hand if it fills up my hand then it is enough anything beyond that makes me sick..
sorry to talk so much about my eating thing I have not been to therapy she is on vacation have no one else to talk to my mom is ignoring it all even after I spoke to her again about it she doesn know about the vomiting or the laxatives or the diet pills maybe she should know maybe then she would hear what I am saying..
anyways sorry to be such a baby I guess I just needed to vent..
if anyone can help me please do so if anyone can give me isnight on how to approach things with my mom please do so if anyone has dealt with this before please hep me.
Erin

hey sweetie
We ALL want and need to be loved especially physically.
*hugs
thank you so much for your help and wonderful loving kind words....
The thing is I was never told growing up that I was much of anything not by my mom not by my dad he walked out on me so that just proves how special he thought I was..
I cant hug people the only person that I can hug is Jakob who isnt here and my neice Hannah who i see once a week I cant touch people I cant be touched that is somethig that I need to work on.
but thank you anyways I will try maybe treatment will help me withthat.
Erin
((((((((((((((((((((((((Erin, sweetie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Remember when the task is too big, breaking it into baby steps is the