self help or self hurt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
self help or self hurt?
4
Fri, 12-31-2004 - 12:08pm

I've been reading some self-help books and they are actually making me feel worse. Part of me thinks I should just ignore them so I stop feeling bad about myself, but another part thinks that maybe some of the stuff I Need to deal with. Either way, all week I have cried myself to sleep and woke up extremely depressed and unable to get out of bed. I would still be there if my dog hadn't whined so much to go outside.

I am miserable, and the whole New Years thing has me feeling even worse. Another year down, another to go. This year nothing has changed for the better, so much has taken a turn for the worse. My friends have all abandoned me and so I am alone. My best friend, now ex boyfriend I suppose, hasn't talked to me in almost 2 months. I used to share everything with him, and then he had to go and cheat and then not even give me the courtesy of breaking up with me officially. He just left... moved... no explanation. I don't even know if he actually cheated. If he was, I don't know how long of our 3 year relationship he was cheating and how long of our 7 year friendship he was lying to me. I thought we would be together forever, no matter what. Now I have no idea how to get in touch with him. That is so hard to swallow after being best friends with him for 7 years.

Should I stop reading these books so I can put stuff in the back of my mind where it is easier? I'm just so miserable. I've had to be drunk the past few nights just to make it though. Tonight is another night by myself, no one will call. It just is another reminder that I have so little to celebrate. No one else cares and I don't understand why. I am a good person, and yet no one cares.

Seya

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2004
Fri, 12-31-2004 - 12:26pm

Seya,

Please top reading the self-help books. During this time of the year it's really important to treat yourself with the utmost respect and gentleness. It's not a good time to be working on yourself. Do you have a therapist? Do these online groups help?

It's also important to stay in the present as much as possible. By looking ahead through the year and back through the last year you're only making yourself feel worse. Work on this hour, then the next, maybe think about what would make you feel the best tonight.

As far as New Year's goes, not everyone does the same types of things, not every year has to be the same. If it's very important to you then make it a celebrative evening. Light candles, rent movies, spend a little time online, take your dog for a walk or a ride. Do only the things that make you feel good about yourself. This doesn't include giving yourself negative messages, just going to bed to forget or drinking because you think that'll numb the pain

Seya, be nice to yourself. Going through a tough time can take it's toll. Judging yourself makes it worse.

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Fri, 12-31-2004 - 3:20pm

Seya I have to agree with Sara,

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Fri, 12-31-2004 - 10:45pm
Seya, As I write this, I am having a glass of wine. A no no I know, but it helps right now. I thought yesterday that maybe I should just become an alcoholic. Then I realized that of course that is not the answer. As someone just replied to one of my posts," You are not alone." That felt so good to read. Now I am saying to you, " You are not alone." New Years Eve this year is just another day. I know how disappointing relationships can be. That is part of my problem right now too. It just feels like your heart is shattered into a million pieces. I also understand about your friends too. I have withdrawn from my friends b/c I know they are probably sick of hearing my whining. Heck ,I am sick of my whining. People just don't understand about depression. I have always been the one to pick my friends up and encourage them. It is so hard when you are down and you can't encourage anyone b/c you just feel so rotten. Keep reading these posts and keep writing. I think it helps. Hugs to you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 3:09am

Seya,
You have been through a terrible betrayal and loss. Being lied to and abandoned like that is like a death, and worse in some ways because the person chose to left. I've had something like that happen before, without even the decency of an explanation. It was a nightmare and took me a long time to grieve it, and get past the loss. Nothing had ever felt so personal as that rejection. I felt like it made me worthless. I got myself into therapy because the pain was too much to deal with every day. I called my doctor and asked for a good therapist's name. Her nurse told me about someone. That therapist was a God send to me. She helped so much. But I still had to work on getting my anger outward instead of letting it torment me every moment. I would take runs and focus on putting my anger into every step: stepping on his face with each step. It was my therapist's suggestion. It helped.

But I had to also cry and talk through a lot. I don't have any close friends either. I have a few acquaintances that I don't talk about my deeper issues with. I cried about my pain from something from my past with one friend and she stopped being my friend. I don't know why it's so hard to find real friends, but I've found that it is.

I'm so sorry for the pain that you are in. Are you in therapy? If not, please call your medical doctor to find someone good. You need to find a way to go through the grieving process. It also will help to talk through your relationship with your ex, to get a handle on what kind of guy could just callously walk away from a woman he was in a heavy relationship with for 3 years. The key for me moving forward was realizing that the problem was in a guy who could be that cruel and selfish. He still is. It helped me to hear from someone who knows his mom that the girl he married right after he dumped me has been calling the mom every day crying about all of his nasty abusiveness. He was not blatantly abusive towards me, but in hindsight I can see that the drama of our relationship and his inability to commit or stay connected was just a hint of his serious emotional problems.
So my motto became: "It is better to have loved and lost, than to live with the psycho the rest of your life."

My thoughts and prayers go out to you. I hope that you seek the therapist you need. If you are seeing someone and it didn't help, please look for another one. The right therapist really can help you change your whole life.

All My Best,
MariaC