want 2 die
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| Sat, 01-01-2005 - 4:33am |
I thought I was going to have a good new years eve, but it turned out to be really bad. First of all, I miss my boyfriend and I love him soo much and I wish he was here, because I need him soo bad, I have been put through so much pain from some of the people he knows, and yet, he thinks I'm the bad person, I think he thinks that, dont quote me. I feel that other people are trying to destroy our relationship, i say I love you and he doesnt say it back, He said it like 2 weeks ago before my friend and i got into a fight and since that fight he hasnt said it. Two weeks ago, it felt as though we were growing closer, now it seems like he's cold as ice to me. I ask him what's wrong, and he wont tell me, he's overseas, and it hurts me, because I'm hurting him and so many other people around me. Every since him and his best friend started talking he's been acting so distant, and i'm wondering what she's telling him and wondering if she's letting him know on any of the progress I have been making with my depression. I cant tell him how I feel or let him know what's going on, because i'm afraid I will worry him and that he will call it off, yet i'm sitting here in soo much pain that I want to die, we were so close before she came into the picture. Not only that, but I had friends, and i thought that they were true friends, now they dont call, or want to hang out because they are now friends with her, it's like she's taking over everything, and trying to make me depressed but at the same time, she puts up a good front or so it seems, i could be wrong, that she's really concerned about me and that she cares, I think she does that to make herself look better in front of my friends and my boyfriend. I mean i'm getting ditched, told lies, and much more. not only that, but I have lost friends, my family, my boyfriend, I have no job, no college education, no money and i hate myself. I literally want to kill myself, I have nothing left to live for, and nobody cares. I feel as though I'm stupid for loving someone and stupid for wanting happiness and friends. I want to die, I dont want to go through the pain of life anymore. Can someone help me before I commit suicide?
thanks
crystin

sweetie ~ It sounds like you're having a really rough time right now and I wish I knew what to say to make it all better. But please don't do anything impulse. Please make a plan to talk to somebody in real life about what is going on and maybe they can help you sort through it piece by piece as I am sure you feel very overwhelmed.
Take care and please keep posting here when you need to.
~Kiya
(((Crystin)))) Know that there are many avenues of help for you. There is a hotline posted here at the top of the board. There is another board here at ivillage:
Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings board:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhsuicidesur
You are not alone in these feelings. Many people here have experienced them. It is a scary place which is why there is sometimes a delay in reply posts.
I am not doing too well right now. I was even afraid to read you post that it would trigger me.
I know what it is like to hide the bad stuff from people you love. I am very close with my family, but I don't tell them about the darkness. I wish for you that someday soon you can tell your sweetie about your illness.
If you ever feel you are going to hurt yourself please call a hotline or post on this board or the suicidal thoughts board.
Keep us posted.
Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
Co-CL Depression Support Board
hey sweetie,
i hope ure feeling better and pls dnt do anything. i think u shud talk to someone, call one of the hotlines or get a pen and paper and put each problem into a section and handle it one by one, because it does sound like a lot to deal with. ur bf for e.g. if he doesnt knw bout ur depression and how u feel towards his best friend dnt tell him wot to do or order him to be a certain way, explain how u feel and how she is making u feel. what he does with that is his problem, and if u feel they arent true friends maybe they r actually concerned, is there anyone within that group u cud perhaps talk to??
im sorry if this doesnt help but pls keep us posted we all need u here
xxx