this is going to sound very shallow/vain
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| Sun, 01-02-2005 - 1:33pm |
I hope that no one thinks I am being petty, because there are so many more "valid" reasons to be depressed..
I was going through a really bad spell the last couple weeks with my depression (I feel it starting to lift a little today) and on impulse one day, while in a department store picking up pictures, I got my hair cut. I should go back a bit and say that I have pretty low self-esteem and never feel like I am attractive, even though others tell me all the time how pretty I am. Well, my hair was longer than it has been since I was a kid, long and wavy, almost to the small of my back. Despite my low self-esteem, I was able to acknowledge that my hair really was beautiful and it made me feel pretty for the first time in a long time. Then in an impulse because I just wasn't myself, I cut it. Short. Think Winona Ryder in Reality Bites. It's "cute", I guess, and other people have told me it looks good. But I feel HORRIBLE! Every time I look in the mirror, I want to cry. Not only do I feel NOT pretty anymore, I know that it will take me years to grow out the layers and have it long again.
I know it sounds stupid, but I think it has made my depression worse and I don't even know why I cut it!
ok, just had to feel sorry for myself for a minute.
~Kiya

Sweetie Its not shallow at all in one sense..
*hugs
Kiya,
We live in a society in which we are so valued on how we look, it's not surprising that you feel that way. There is definitely an image out there that long hair is young and sexy. Not only that, it does represent a certain number of years of your life that you've "cut off," so to speak. But I guess the thing to ask yourself is, why did you cut it? Did you feel the need to somehow move on in your life? You said that your depression is lifting, so maybe this was a way to change physically, too, freeing yourself from the past. I'm not a psychologist, so I'm just guessing here.
I've also heard from women with really long hair that cutting it is a loss. What did you do with your hair? If you still have it and feel that you can part with it, there is a group that takes donations of hair to make wigs for children w/ cancer. If you could donate it to them, that might make it easier: http://www.locksoflove.org/
Remember that if you really want to grow it back, you can, but maybe you can enjoy the freedom of being a "new you" who doesn't hide behind her hair!
Best wishes,
Nicola
I understand the whole hair thing. I really like my hair long, but I've cut it up to just above my shoulders before. After that I don't feel quite as feminine. However, it does look more professional shorter, so I've cut it that way recently.
But the fun part about being a girl is that we can play around with stuff. Hair grows back, but sometimes not as fast as we'd like. Have you thought of getting one of those hair clips with the long fall or pony tail? I have a couple of them and I LOVE them. I don't wear them very often. But I go through phases where I do. You can usually get them at beauty stores or kiosks in the mall. Try it. I know that how you see your outside can often have a profound effect on your mood, especially when you are already depressed.
And remember that it will not take that long for your hair to get longish again, though it will be longer for it to get to the same place. In the meantime, try some different things, even spice up your makeup and wear pretty chandelier earrings to add to your femininity.
Good Luck,
Maria
Caly ~ Thank you so much for your response. I know, I know. I am special and I am loving and I am a good person, blah blah freaking blah. :)
You're right though. I need to start focusing on all the things that make me who I am, and hair really isn't one of them. I think I am more mad at myself that I did something so impulsive because I was depressed. But as my mom says, "cutting your hair is better than cutting your wrists". And that is so very true. I used to go on spending sprees when I was depressed, maxing out credit cards. Now my debt is under control and finances are getting better, so at least that impulse has been curbed as well. There were worse things I could have done.
And also, how wonderful that you have a special chica in your life! Bi the way, I used to have one too. ;) Every time a guy I'm dating p's me off, I really consider going back to pitch for the other team. :)
~Kiya
Nicola ~ Thank you for your response!
I cut it on impulse because I was depressed and I just felt like I needed to DO something, something new, something drastic. So I just cut it all off. I did feel like I was cutting off a bunch of years of my life, and maybe I did want a change, what with the New Year and all. I am not sure if there was really a "reason" beyond I just felt like I needed to DO SOMEthing.
And I laughed when you said something about me hiding behind my hair, because it's true. I think I did, I felt more comfortable, especially since I get anxious around people. People see me as very outgoing, a "social butterfly" but it's all an act. The whole "fake it til you make it" thing. Now my hair is JUST below my ears, and I tuck it behind them and I feel SO exposed, I hate it.
But I guess I should just look at it as the new me. We'll see, maybe I'll get used to it. Besides, Winona Ryder is gorgeous right? And her hair is super-short.
~Kiya
Maria ~ Thank you for such a sweet post!
I DO feel more feminine with long hair. In high school/college, I was kinda a gothy/punk rock grrl and my hair was always short, black and spikey. I dressed a little outrageously and wore glitter on my face, etc. I felt super-feminine in a pixie sort of way. (I am BARELY 5 feet tall!) So I am trying to remind myself of that, though I am more conservative now (though the tattoos are forever. :) Then again, I felt "cute" not pretty. The funny thing is, with this haircut, I look SO young. I have always looked younger than I am (at 27, most people think I am a college kid, as I live in a college town) but with short hair, I look even younger. So that's a plus, right?
And yes, I have seen the ponytail clips with the hair and I always thought they would be fun to try. I'm not sure if it would work in my hair as it is pretty short and layered, though. But maybe when it grows a couple inches. :) Thanks for the suggestion, and yes, I have already started looking at pretty earrings. :)
I am feeling better about it now than when I posted that. Thank you all for your supportive replies and I will try not to dwell too much on my hair when there are so many other things to be depressed about. :P
~Kiya
>>I will try not to dwell too much on my hair when there are so many other things to be depressed about. :P <<
ROFL Kiya!
*hugs