Newbie - I feel like I'm drowning again
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| Sun, 01-02-2005 - 8:08pm |
Hi,
I am 30 years old and have been living with depression for at least 10 years. My depression is rather resistant, and have tried scores of medications, including a hospitalization about a year and a half ago.
Recently, I thought that I had begun to see the "fog" lift and come out from under my depression's grasp. But, I always have a hard time during the holidays. It seems to get worse as I get older.
Anyway, I have noticed a pretty extreme spike in anxiety, sleeplessness, getting very emotional very easily. I have so many things going on right now, and I feel like no one is hearing me when I tell them how overwhelmed I feel. This scares me because this is exactly how I felt before I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts. When I try to discuss whatever is on my mind with my husband, it's like he's looking right through me. I just want to jump up and down and do back flips to get him to pay attention to me. I don't think he "gets" how low I have been feeling, although I have been rather blunt about it. We have had marital issues this past year - lack of intimacy.
On top of that, I am having trouble with work. My boss and his wife have decided to move out of state and that means my job will be going away. (We work out of his home). He wants me to run the business out of MY home and lie to his clients about where he will be. I am not comfortable with this and won't be doing it. He has never asked me if I would, but he somehow thinks that I am going along with this ploy. Even if I were ok with lying, I'm not ok with his business practices. Here is where it gets sticky. I work in a non-profit organization, and have recently discovered that my boss, the Executive Director, has been stealing from the organization. It is disguised as "business meals" that he takes with his friends, not the people he lists. He also seeks (and gets) reimbursement for things that are not business related by submitting them to the organization under fictious business expenses. (They, unfortunately, don't ask for receipts.) This is to the tune of $1,000 - $2,000 each month. I've only worked with the organization for about 6 months. My job is to go over the books, and I've gone through each month that I've been here and it is the same sort of transactions each time. I am sure that it has been going on for years, from what I can tell. First of all, I am disturbed by the practice in of itself. Our members pay their dues in good faith that the money is going to further the organization's cause. Secondly, I am concerned that if it is ever found out, I will somehow be involved because I knew and never said anything.
I am so sorry this is so long. I just can't seem to get anyone to listen to me. Thank you for reading this.

Hi and welcome!
First off I want you to know that we are here to Listen! And to understand.
*hugs
Caly,
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.
I am already looking for new work. I started doing that as soon as I discovered what my boss was up to. I knew I didn't want any part of it. Job hunting in my present mental state seems rather daunting, though, I must admit. I have fears of letting our family down financially. I'm sure like everyone else, I wish we could come out "ahead" of the game for once.
Thank you again.
Sadie
Glad I helped a little Sadie.
I know what you mean about the job search being daunting.
*hugs
Diane
Take some really deep breaths when you feel like you are drowning again!