reason for living? :-(
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reason for living? :-(
| Tue, 01-04-2005 - 1:12am |
Hello Everyone and Happy New Year's
There are so many things I wanna say, but i dont wanna bored anyone, so im gonna make this as short as possible. I have been through a terrible suicidal depression before, which i am not proud of saying at all. I have visited many psychologist, even though they have recommended medicines, i refuse to take them. One of my councelor's told me herself that i dont need to, and she has helped a lot. All those horrible thoughts have disappeared, and im much happier, even though i find myself crying sometimes, its not in a regular basis, its 2 or 3 times a month which i feel its normal.
im a third year college student, i started out good because i actually had a reason, which was to be away from home; now i dont have a reason, no goals, no dedication to do anything. I'm an English major and have no idea what i will be doing with it, i have no idea why i decided to take English other than because, I'm Spanish and would like to perfect the way i write, speak, write a book, etc. I feel like a zombie. I dont find a reason in living, even though im not depressed, i just dont see a reason to do anything. Clubbing is the same thing all the time, guys trying to buy you drinks, not understanding that ur not interested, the one's you are interested dont even look your way; same story, nothing ever changes. Dating is the same thing always, either get dissapointed, or have difficulties breaking up, or in my case find out from third source that his bisexual, which I've suspected because of his lack for affection and sex. Friends--- i dont even know :-/. Everything seems like Im living a fixed life, nothing spontaneous, surprising, everything goes round and leads to the same place, -confused me-.
All this confusion about my life is leading to me doing horrible in school. i am so disappointed in myself, i try i cant deny, ive tried so many things. Now im single, im trying that, may be i just need to be alone, but being alone is just teaching me how lazy, unsociable, irresponsible i really am. Things that are so hard to change.
Well I dont even know why im writing. This is something i should try writing in a diary. Yet this time, im looking for answers.
Im sorry for making this so long. I would really appreciate any in-put. Thank you all so much.
There are so many things I wanna say, but i dont wanna bored anyone, so im gonna make this as short as possible. I have been through a terrible suicidal depression before, which i am not proud of saying at all. I have visited many psychologist, even though they have recommended medicines, i refuse to take them. One of my councelor's told me herself that i dont need to, and she has helped a lot. All those horrible thoughts have disappeared, and im much happier, even though i find myself crying sometimes, its not in a regular basis, its 2 or 3 times a month which i feel its normal.
im a third year college student, i started out good because i actually had a reason, which was to be away from home; now i dont have a reason, no goals, no dedication to do anything. I'm an English major and have no idea what i will be doing with it, i have no idea why i decided to take English other than because, I'm Spanish and would like to perfect the way i write, speak, write a book, etc. I feel like a zombie. I dont find a reason in living, even though im not depressed, i just dont see a reason to do anything. Clubbing is the same thing all the time, guys trying to buy you drinks, not understanding that ur not interested, the one's you are interested dont even look your way; same story, nothing ever changes. Dating is the same thing always, either get dissapointed, or have difficulties breaking up, or in my case find out from third source that his bisexual, which I've suspected because of his lack for affection and sex. Friends--- i dont even know :-/. Everything seems like Im living a fixed life, nothing spontaneous, surprising, everything goes round and leads to the same place, -confused me-.
All this confusion about my life is leading to me doing horrible in school. i am so disappointed in myself, i try i cant deny, ive tried so many things. Now im single, im trying that, may be i just need to be alone, but being alone is just teaching me how lazy, unsociable, irresponsible i really am. Things that are so hard to change.
Well I dont even know why im writing. This is something i should try writing in a diary. Yet this time, im looking for answers.
Im sorry for making this so long. I would really appreciate any in-put. Thank you all so much.

Hi Git and welcome to the board.
Not having the best of days myself LOL so Im not sure how much help I can be but I will try.
I would think being an English major there are many many things you can do.
*hugs
I understand how you're feeling. Esp. the part about not being sure about your major. Try going to your college's career center. You can take inventory tests there that will suggest to you suited majors and careers, and then you can look up more information about those careers there. A career counselor can give you some helpful advice too. Since you're already in your third year, you're probably getting into the upper level english courses. But if you're still not sure and think you might be interested in something else, take a class in another field. It's not too late.
I think that alot of people probably feel how you feel right now. It's kind of an awkward time. I wish that I could say more that might help. good luck!
Thank you all so much for your reply and support. I have tried taking different classes, that i might be interested in, yet even though i have know what interest me; i dont feel passionate about it. I've visited career coucelors, all kinds of coucelors. Taken all types of test, as funny as it sounds. Nothing has worked. I've made short term goals, like trying to improve my grades, i dont know what happens. Everything was going well than as soon as something bad happens in my life I stop everything, stay locked in my room, dont eat, dont talk to anyone, and most importantly dont do any school work.
That's why im saying that im lacking passion, not only for school, but for life.
I dont feel trully passionate or enjoy anything. I have no hobbies, i've done so many things to try to make it better, but i dont know what it takes for me to just love myself, love doing what i know i need to do.
Nothing works. Im still hopeful, because i will go back, i just want things to be different, i would like to wake up, love the way i look, the clothes i will choose to wear, etc.
I guess i'll see what i can do, i know may be i need to talk to a psychologist and i have; to many and it doesnt work either.
well thanks anyways and have a good one.;-)