Living a nightmare
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| Tue, 01-04-2005 - 8:11pm |
I am under so much stress, I don't know what to do anymore. I was feeling really down like I usually do around Christmas and New Year's and now things have gotten even worse with a crisis at home.
(Edited out the details--sorry, too paranoid)
Meanwhile, dh has been extrememly depressed since this happened. I think he's been depressed for awhile but wouldn't admit it. Since Thursday, he's barely gotten out of bed. He is going in to work tomorrow (first day back since Xmas), then taking two days off b/c his dad is having a quadruple bypass. He is talking about quitting his job so that he won't bring shame to the business and his family if it gets in the news. He doesn't have a very high-profile job, but he is paranoid. He also says he is sick of his job anyway, and he has a good friend who will be starting up a new business soon and will be ready to hire him in 6-12 months. That's all very well, but what do we do until then? I'm not working at all and probably won't be able to get more than a few hours a week till the fall. We have RRSPs, but do we use them all up now? I'm all for him finding a new job if that will make him happy, but I'm not willing to sacrifice my home b/c he did something so incredibly stupid.
Not only that, even when I've been extremely depressed and suicidal, I've still had to get up and take care of the children. He doesn't do anything except sleep and read. I'm feeling very resentful b/c he never understood how I feel when I'm depressed. Plus, I can't tell anyone b/c (a) it might affect his case, and (b) he doesn't want his father to have a heart attack. So I'm just supposed to pretend that everything's fine--la dee da--when my world is collapsing around me.
Amazingly, I'm not actually too depressed. I was, but then I got angry, and now I'm angry and worried about how we'll survive financially. He's talking about going on unemployment, but that's less than half his current take-home pay.
Sorry to go on for so long, but I really needed to get this all out.
Thanks for listening,
Nicola
Edited 1/5/2005 3:15 pm ET ET by mumontherun

(((((Nicola))))), no wonder you're upset!
Well, even to this day he still contacts me and says he loves me and misses me. We have been divorced for 2 years and I am remarried to a WONDERFUL man. I never would've been blessed with this new life had I hung on to a no win situation. Things will seem to get worse before they get better, BUT it will be better than before if you are just brave enough to feel it. I don't know if you beleive in prayer or not, but I can tell you that I prayed for strength and for sight to see where it is I am supposed to be and most of all PEACE. And I beleive the good Lord allowed me to see that I AM capable of taking care of MYSELF and then he gave me exactly what I prayed for...PEACE. Just try it, really, you have nothing to lose at this point. You'll feel stonger each time you do, I PROMISE!! You will be watched over and guided and you will get what you ask for, as long as it is in your best interest. If you pray to stay with this man and that he change and the good Lord knows something you don't, well then don't expect any big changes in your life, but if this man wants to change and has a good heart, then your life will be better for both of you. But you both have to want the same thing and you both have to agree to walk on the same path to get there. Just remember, you're NOT alone and pray that all of these negative and strong feelings be lifted and it will...You'll see. You may email me anytime you want. I know what it is like to feel all alone. I too had to keep hush hush about my ex's second life. I will keep your family in my prayers!!
Mary, you are such a kind and caring person; your ex must have been blind if he couldn't see that. Thank you so much for your hugs--I really need them.
~Nicola
Thank you so much for responding. I have been praying but mostly for him and for us to have the strength to get through this. But you're right, what I really need is peace and I want to know what God wants me to do. One good thing is that I think this has finally brought him to God, something I've been unable to do till now. We will see if we are meant to be together. Right now, I just want him out of here, but I feel bad asking him to leave when he's barely making it through the day. Please continue to pray for us; I do appreciate it.
Thank you,
Nicola
Oh Nicola I'm so so sorry for what you are going through right now. Please be strong, for you and for your kids. I am sorry to say this but maybe you should ask dh to move out for now. You know here in Quebec the laws, think of your kids please. Depending on what the drug was and the quantity (if less then 3 grams) it could be put as simple posession providing he snitches on his friend who gave it to him. If cops think they might find bigger with the friend, dh can get away with a fine. Talk to his lawyer about that. Worse case scenario it will be posession with intent to sell, but again they have to prove intent. Please look after yourself and your kids. Keep us posted.
Nicole
Thanks Nicole. I have been thinking of asking him to move out, in case things get worse, then I don't want to be involved. The thing is, he is very stressed about this and also his dad, so I feel bad about it. God, what a nightmare! Thanks so much for your support; I really appreciate it.
Nicola
Oh hun,
I am so sorry that you are going thru such a bad time lately..
I am also sorry that your depression was not I dont want to say it the wrong way but it seems almost like you beingdepressed wasnt as important as your hubby being depressed which is not cool..
I would if I were in your shoes tell my husband that he can not quit his job and go on unemployment for a year cause I refuse to loose my home that he needs to be a man and act like one and suck it up...I know I am being mean sorry but that is just what I would do...
I really do hope that things start to work out for you and that things start to look better for you and your family..
sorry I do not have a ton to write or many good things to write I am going thru a tough one myself ..
sending hugs to you
Erin
Erin, you are a sweetheart. Thank you for thinking of me and taking the time to write when you are down too.
Love, Nicola
Nicola!
Sorry things have been sooo hard on you lately. I hope things are more tolerable now. I read that you are thinking about asking hubby to move out but you feel bad about it. Maybe that's what he needs...to hit "rock bottom". Have you thought perhaps that might be the best thing you could do for him? It might make him get his stuff together. I know you feel bad especially because of this plus his father...but you've GOT to take care of yourself and keep it together for you AND the kids. If you don't want to kick him out...tell him he needs to get his act together and give him a deadline. See if he steps up to the plate. If he doesn't, well, you have made it known what will happen and he can't be surprised. Hugs to you and know that I'm always here if you need to talk. I'll be sending extra positive vibes your way!
Thanks for answering. I like the idea of a deadline, but I would have to really stick to it this time and make it clear what I want/need. In any case, I need to get myself in a more secure position financially before I think of going it on my own, or that will just create more stress. To tell you the truth, I think he has hit rock bottom, and I agree he had to in order to see that he needs to change for HIMSELF, regardless of whether or not we stay together. I am feeling a lot better today, and his dad is in surgery right now. Once that is over, I think things will settle down a bit (assuming all goes well).
Thanks for your support, and I hope your evaluation goes well and you get some clear answers.
~Nicola