Hi everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Hi everyone.
1
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 3:56pm

Probably a lot of you don't know me but I used to be a regular on this board. I got disgusted with ivillage in general (A LONG story) and haven't visited in a while. I just wanted to let everyone who may be wondering about me how I am.

Where do I start. My life has been a hellish rollercoaster since summer. I think I have finally found the right combo of meds and finally feel somewhat stable. I have bipolar type 2 (more depression than mania). I'm on 3 different meds. They make me very sleepy, tired and generally zombie like. I can't concentrate and typing is a complete joke. Not that I can't find the letters, I have forgotten how to spell and have to dig deep to retrieve words that were once fluent to me. I check my post before I submit it to avoid mistakes. I can't handle my kids sometimes so I am fortunate to have in laws who will take them at the drop of a hat if things get too much for me. It's frustrating and shameful to me that I can't handle things better. I see my pdoc regularly so I'm doing all I can. Thankfully I have a husband who loves me and puts up with my moods and neediness (sp).

I have recently filed for SSD with a lawyer who has taken my case and only gets paid if I win. I guess he wouldn't have taken my case if he thought I wasn't going to win. My doctor has given me the label of certifiably disabled. This leads me to my main source of depression. To know that I am disabled because of this disorder of my brain is devastating to me. I filed because I felt of little use to my family and we are living on practically nothing, but getting by. Although the money is going to help a lot, I feel embarassed and humiliated by this. I think this is the lowest one can feel.

My husband is kind and always tells me I do a great job with the house and kids, yet there are times when I haven't done a thing all day and it's been hard with the kids. He comes in with a smile and a hug so you'd think this would make me feel better. Sometimes it doesn't (ok, most of the time).
I feel I am at an even keel now, so you can imagine how bad it has been for me before. Well, I don't want to make this extremely long, so I will end here. It's great to "see" all of you again. :)

    CL for The

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 4:45pm
It is so nice to see you around again....
Sorry things have been so yucky for you I would use a different words but censorship keeps me from doing so...
I think that it is fabolious that your hubby is able to walk in the door with a smile and a hug I know it is hard to think that way when you are feeling so bad but it reminds me of this story walled the worry tree where each night this man who has a very stressful job kneels before a tree and talks to it and then walks in the house all smiiles and hugs and then next day he kneels in front of the tree as he is leaving for work to pick up his worries and sees that there are not nearly as many there as the night before the moral is the man vowed to never take in his worries from the work place into his hime so he leaves them at the tree..corney yes but sweet very much so..so maybe that is what your hubby does when he comes home each night he just leaves it all behind and sees what he has in his home a great family ect....
I have high hopes that you will start to feel better soon..I am oposite than you I get manic more sad less but I hate my mania cause I am never happy manic it is more like agitated manic although I have my excited times where I talk alot and an in a hyped up good mood...
I am sorry that you feel like a zombie is there anyways that you can do something to make you feel more alert?
anyways I am glad you stopped in
erin