New and depressed

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
New and depressed
7
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 11:47am

Hello. I found this message board after searching for quite a while for a depression related support site. I hope you can help me.

I am depressed. Not just down. Completely wrecked. Officially I reckon my depression started last year this time. In January 2004 I had a partial molar pregnancy. Which meant not only did I had to deal with losing a baby, I also had to deal with the threat of cancer linked to this problem. Fortunately for me, I ended up not having the cancer angle. But while I was busy focussing on the weekly blood tests, I didn't take time to mourn the loss of my baby. Added to this was the fact that my husband was away, making a new life for us in another country. So in the middle of this I was busy resigning at work, and packing up home for my two girls and myself to join my dh in our new home. Added to this was that we ended up having to live with my parents for a number of months while dh got things sorted. This was not a good thing for me, as my family is not exactly normal, with my father having been a pretty much unfaithful abusive husband to my mother for the past 30 something years. I was witness to some really painful things, and moving back in with them dredged up memories I would rather not have.

But I coped. Or at least I thought I was coping. I just got angry a lot (in fact, I threw a box at my mother, who then accused me of being just like my father) but blamed it on the stress of moving. We eventually moved to a whole new country in March. I am a South African, but am now living in Abu Dhabi, in the United Arab Emirates.

When I got here, I was finally able to talk through the miscarriage with my dh. And again, I thought I was fine. Until April. When I cried practically every single day of the month. I still got exceptionally angry. I occasionally would try and cut myself - not to commit suicide, but just to try and make the emotional pain a physical one I think. I refused to go for help. I was quite simply too scared. Then I thought I was fine again. Until August, when the due date for my pregnancy would have been. I cried some more and did even more angry things. And I started getting headaches. Severe ones.

I went to the doctor and had all sorts of tests done and they told me they had no idea what is causing my headaches. So now I live with severe headaches pretty much once a month (they seem to coincide with my period). And I still get exceptionally angry.

I cry a lot. Sometimes for nothing. Sometimes after I've been through an "angry" attack, mostly because I know the angry is actually just sad and helplessness and worthlessness all rolled into one.

Finally I went to the doctor for help. The doctor doesn't even speak English that well, and told me I was probably mildly depressed and put me on Cipramal for two weeks. I've been on Cipramal before for mild depression when I battled to fall pregnant with my 2nd child a few years ago, and I know that the minimum course is 6 months. So a lot of good that did.

I've been trying to manage on my own since then, because I don't want to have to go back to that stupid doctor. I don't have much choice of doctors unfortunately. It was so hard to go and ask for help in the first place, and then I got none.

Today was a really really bad day for me, which is why I have been trying to find some online help. My headache has been at its severest, my two daughters (4 and 1) were giving me a hard time, my husband is working (he works 24 hr shifts) and I am feeling desperately miserable. I actually wanted to cut myself again, but didn't.

My irrational anger and crying fits are beginning to affect my children, and my older daughter is becoming difficult to handle. So apart from feeling useless and miserable in general, I now also feel like an absolutely terrible parent.

So sorry for the long posting, but I just had to get it off my chest.

Avatar for all_girls4me
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 12:59pm

Hi there,
I'm very sorry about the loss of your baby, that's a hard thing to deal with. I have a suggestion with the headaches. A couple of my friends had the exact same problem, severe headaches right around their periods and after a million tests they found out it was for lack of progesterone. They've been taking a supplement from the doctor and have not had any headaches at all. So maybe that's something you can check out. It sounds like you are suffering from the same thing.

Good luck.......

Ilka



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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 7:37pm

Hello,

This is my first visit to this board. I was considering posting when I read your post. First of all ((((HUGS))) to you. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your baby. I may not be very helpful in other ways, but we do share a horrible loss in common. I am 38 years old and lost my first and only child, a son in May of this year. He was stillborn due to unknown reason at 39 weeks gestation. I have been really depressed since then. I have spoken to many other women who have experienced losses and have even met some that had losses 5+ years ago and are still in the deep grieving process. It's an aweful thing to lose a child. Only a year has passed and it sounds like you have been on your own through most of this. Give yourself a pat on the back for making it this far. I too have often thought about cutting myself or doing something horrible to make the world look at how sad I am, but have never had the "guts" or whatever it takes to do such a thing. I do know that hurting yourself won't help things and it's good that you didn't hurt yourself today like you said.
Do you have any close friends/family to confide in? You are definately grieving...I'm sure there is a spot on the parentsplace loss board that you can fit into. Sounds like you really need to see someone, change to another type of antidepressant or something. Try and swallow your pride, despite how hard it is to go to some of these doctors...don't I know that they are all not helpful...but you never know. Well, for what it is worth, please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope this year will improve for you. Your girls need their mother, but you also need to feel better too. Take care.

Laurie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 2:22am

Thanks for your replies everyone. It does help to know I am not alone.

My dh has actually been quite supportive, I just think that he is getting to the stage where he doesn't know what to do with me anymore, and its making him depressed too.

I also forgot to mention that I also suffer from palpitations and sometimes irrational nervousness. I also tend to binge eat when upset. I ate a whole box of Oreos yesterday as well as Twix and a Kit-kat.

There is a history of problems in the family - my maternal grandmother was addicted to OTC painkillers and the family suspects that she may have been bi-polar. My maternal aunt has been diagnosed with bi-polar and her daughter has an eating disorder and PND. My mother also suffers from depression (untreated).

I decided that I had had enough, so asked for help again. I e-mailed the doctor that had initially been treating my headaches firstly to tell her that they were still happening, and also to ask her where to get help for my depression. Asking for help is extremely stressful to me, because I don't even know where to begin.

Please could someone fill me in on "forum etiquette" - when do I need to put 'trigger' down, and which of the various forums are suitable for which type of topic.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 7:28am

Hi and Welcome!


Im glad you found the board.

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 8:14am

I'm so glad that you are going to try and get more help. I'm also very happy to hear that your husband is supportive. Men grieve in different ways and tend to be able to move on faster(in most cases). Let your hubby know how happy you are with the support that he has given you so far.
OMG I was surprised to hear that we again have some other similarities ; ) I suffer from palpitations too. I was actually put on a heart medication to help decrease my heart rate. I also have a history of nervous/panic disorder which tends to feed my heart issue at times. No problems on the oreo end as well LOL!
Wishing you all the best. Keep in touch.

Laurie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 8:23am

hey mouseyyyyyyy,

love the nick too! welcome to the board, i can assure you, you'll get such good support here. i also agree you should go back to your doctor and try for different meds and see what's out there for you. do they do counselling in abu dhabi? i know thts ignorant question but i have friends from there and they say they've never heard about it..think thats a lie! anyways, maybe u cud go to counselling and see if that helps, especially talking about ur miscarriage. i hope u feel so much better this year and things start looking up for u.

take care,

sami
xxxxxxxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 12:08pm

I just thought I'd let you know that the doctor I e-mailed, has just sent me a reply to let me know she will help me get an appointment with a psychologist for the depression and with a neurologist for the headaches. I'm really grateful to her, but now I'm getting all panicky because I'm going to have to try explain things again. And of course, I will now panic that the appointments will be on the days that my husband is on shift so there will be no one to look after the little ones, or else it will coincide with the time I have to fetch the older one for school, or make supper, or bath them, or with the older one's birthday party later this month. Or else I will panic about the fact that they wont believe me, or they'll tell me I'm nuts, or that I'm imagining the headaches, and the depression is just to get attention.

I'm very good about worrying about stupid things like that.

And I hate hospitals and doctors and stuff. Never used to, but have had such negative connations since I had the D&C last year.