need insight please

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
need insight please
3
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 12:15pm

I am in a weird postion at this present moment with my life..
ther are things that I am finally taking the steps to work towards and I am not going to verbalize them until I know for sure that I am going to actually got hru with it all but anyways I am proud of myself for taking the first step towards a better life..
So anyways my thing is this I have noticed that more and more int herapy I am talking about my mom and my dad and my upbringing more how it has effected me and things like that ow my mom has made me feel like I was not wanted cause "I was born at a bad time" how my dad just walked out without looking back how I always felt invisable ect...I have yet to accept the fact that I have a son who is 6 and has livied with his father for 4 years that I am the one who made the choice to have hiim live there..I can not forgive myself for the way I treated Jakob when he was a baby and I hate myself for that for not being strong enough to take care of my son...I can not accept that..
so I talk about these things but not really about Jakob which is something that I am going to talk about next week..
So anyways I think maybe and this is just what my brain is telling me is that my whole Ed thing has alot to do with my childhood the emotions and feeling that I was never allowed to express turned inside of me and made me what I am today..do you think that is possible or is my head screwed up a bit?
I have things that havetaken place in my life but no memory of them the only way I know that I was even there is cause of pictures that we have at home...
maybe I am just looking for a reason to why I am this way maybe there are a ton or reasons maybe only one..
The thing is why after two years and I finally dealing with the feelings I have towards my mother my father for so long they were pushed back and then all of the sudden they are front and center is it cause maybe the other things that I was feeling when I first started are under control and dealt with or maybe they are not as important I dont know..
Has anyone gone thru this where all of the sudden the things that they thought were not a big problem became the center of their world?
any insight stories anything is greatly appreciated.
Erin

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 1:24pm

Yes, Erin, this has happened to me too--but maybe we're both crazy, lol! I think that you're right when you say that other things were more important at that time and needed to be dealt with. For whatever reason, those issues took precedence, and now you're ready to move on. Another possibility is that these are big issues that you needed to get stronger in order to handle, so your mind kept them in check until now. I like that idea b/c it means that the worse my memories are, the stronger I am! It's likely a combination of both reasons.

Giving up your son was obviously extremely traumatic for you, even though you did it for him. I'm glad you will be dealing with this in therapy. I can't imagine how you feel, but I'm sure I would feel guilty too, even if it was for the best.

Big hugs,
Nicola

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 9:17am
Nicola,
thanks so much for your insight I think that you are right since I was able to deal withthings in my life when they were happening in th past two years and work my way through them such as my mood disorder and grow from that point onto this very moment it has maybe made me a bit stronger...
I remember when I was strong Jeremy(my sons father) used to tell me how strong of a person I was how I moved to Arizona not knowing anyone living with my father who abused me amotionally and stole from me ect....
and then having a child and dealing with all that comes with it..
But that was almost 7 years ago now I can not remmeber what it is like to have strength..
I can not remember alot and that scares me.
but it is good to know that I am not alone in this.
thank you
Erin
Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 10:54am

I don't remember much of my childhood either. In fact, I only remember tiny snippets. The strange thing is, I generally have a very good memory. Is it because I was young? I don't think so, b/c I barely remember high school--and I never took drugs or drank, so that's not the problem. Maybe it's because, like you, my childhood and adolesence were not good times and it's better just to forget them. But I know what you mean about being afraid of that; I feel like maybe there's something else lurking back there that I can't remember. But I don't think there could be much worse than being raped as a kid, so it's probably not that. And if it is, then I don't want to remember!!

Erin, you have been through so much in your life, and Jeremy is right: you are strong. You are still living and you are taking control of your life. You are going through a time of trouble, but you will come through it and you will be stronger than ever before. If you have been able to cope till now, you will continue to be able to. It's great that you plan to deal with your ED and once you take control of that, maybe you'll feel like you can deal with other stuff, too.

Take care,
Nicola