I don't have a clear answer

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
I don't have a clear answer
2
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 10:57am

I've been very, very fearful over the past month or so about my GRE examination, which is in about five weeks. I know I've sounded positive externally, but I don't feel the same inside. It has to do with something that happened in the past - I chickened out of four of six exams in my sophomore year, because I had a near nervous breakdown... it had to do with the atmosphere at home, and the fact that I put undue pressure on myself, to overcome the inadequacy I felt about the way my father was going on with his life.

I felt that I could not repeat his mistakes... that I had to be perfect. To be honest, I've been leading my life that way for a long time now... trying to keep my head above the water, and not allowing myself any mistakes, because my father had made enough for the whole family. If I slackened even a little bit, I would be very hard on myself, and fall into the same pattern of fear and self-reproach. My mother and brother tried their best to help, and I snapped out of that frame of mind somehow, but exams have always filled me with trepidation.

It did not help that things were on a steady downward spiral at home after that. As a family, we had very few opportunities to talk, and I started internalizing my feelings, because I did not want to add to anyone's pile of problems. That's the reason I've never really been good in articulating my feelings. I've weathered many a storm in my life, but when it comes to exams, I've been a bundle of nerves for a very long time now.

I thought that this time would be different. I tried a very aggessive counter-offensive against my fear. I tried telling myself that I would give the GRE my best shot, but subconsciously, I am still running scared - for the past couple of weeks or so, I've been waking up about three times every night, breaking into cold sweat and palpitating.

Last Saturday was particularly bad - I was at a low all day - feeling listless, petrified and ashamed of myself for feeling this way. I kept asking myself - with this kind of an attitude, how will I handle grad school? I tried thinking rationally - and I think I need help. I cannot talk to my parents in India, because they would get worried sick... since I am away, and they will blame themselves for causing me all this grief. I am seriously thinking of getting into therapy, because it seems that my fears are deep-rooted.

Yes, I may sound like a nutcase who lacks courage, but I am being honest because I feel very helpless right now - rudderless, lonely, ashamed and overwhelmed. I don't think I am in a frame of mind to do a good job on the GRE, because, the more I practise, the more my
subconscious fears take hold of me. Part of me wants to chuck everything and run back home, but I know that that is not the best solution to the problem.

I have plans for myself - I still see GRE and grad school on the horizon - because I never lose hope, but I want to be sure that I face these challenges as a happier, healthier, and more secure individual. It is this healthy security that I've lacked in a lng time.

As you may have gleaned, I am very confused. And I am not pretending to be heroic in trying to sort this out on my own. How can I make a positive difference to my life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2004
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 1:32pm

What is GRE? I am going to school also. I feel your pain about exams. I took Algebra I and II. I had horrible test anxiety. The college offered a seminar on it so I went to that. It helped some. I had one teacher that would give me the test one page at a time and that helped. I be taking Liberal Arts for Mathmatics this semester. I'm a little nervous. Math is my worst subject. I know alot of people quit. Don't give up. I know it's hard but just stick with it. I take a off brand estroven. It has black cohash in it and folic acid. I think the folic acid is whats helping me. I still struggle with depression. I've done the drug therapy and I don't like the side effects. I could use some advise on that one.

The Unicorn

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 4:19pm

I think that there are two ways to handle what you are going through.