Just need to vent - Triggers
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| Mon, 01-10-2005 - 10:02pm |
*sigh* I’m just so tired of feeling yucky! I’m so tired of feeling like a whiney baby! I’m so tired of feeling bad! I don’t really know what happened today. It started off fine. Now, I feel like Alice…falling down the rabbit hole. I just kept falling and falling. I try to grab a hold of things to keep from falling further…but most of the time; they are just things that are falling too. Then those things that really look like they’ll stop the descent are just illusions. That’s what it feels like inside. I keep trying to “get over it”, but I can’t seem to. I rage inside. I keep screaming “It’s not fair” or “It’s supposed to be my turn to be happy” (like a little kid) and then I feel like an ungrateful twit and tell myself to “Get over it. Suck it up. Life isn’t fair so get used to it!” That just ends up making me feel worse…but I don’t know what else to do. I keep hoping one day, I will just snap out of it and be okay. I have so much to be grateful for…I have a decent job, a good car, a decent apartment and my son and I are healthy…but somehow it’s not enough for me! How ungrateful is that??? So many people would LOVE to have what I have…but it doesn’t satisfy me. It doesn’t even come close. My son loves me to death and I love him too, but sometimes when it’s really bad…I don’t even want him to hug me. He constantly asks me “Momma, are you happy?” or “Is momma sad?”…he’s FOUR!!! He shouldn’t have to worry himself with my emotional state! *sigh* I have an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow and then with the psychiatrist on Wednesday. Hopefully, that will make me feel a little better. It’s been getting pretty bad lately. I keep having these weird thoughts about dying. NOT COMMITTING SUICIDE…just thoughts like…what would happen to my son if I died…what would people say if they found out I had died…would people cry about it?...would people come to my funeral…things like that. It kind of scares me…but those are the thoughts that creep in when I’m falling down the rabbit hole. I feel so sad that I want to cry sometimes…but I can’t. Almost like those times when you are dog tired but cannot fall asleep. I’m afraid to cry sometimes. I feel I will completely unravel….like I will start to cry and will NEVER be able to stop! Today, I had to do whatever I had to do to not completely unravel…so I ate an entire bag of Doritos and a microwaveable pizza. I feel sad…but more full and uncomfortable in my tummy…instead of my soul. You don’t know how bad I feel admitting that I just ate an ENTIRE BAG OF DORITOS…not a small bag…a huge bag. I’m debating opening a bottle of wine…I’d rather have Vodka…but wine is all I have and I don’t really feel like running to the package store. My desire for solitude overrules my desire for Cherry Vodka Sours. Maybe tomorrow I will plan better and pick up a bottle before I come home. I rarely get drunk…I mainly just drink enough to make me fall asleep…and I only drink AFTER my son has gone to bed. I say that as if it will make it any less alarming to those reading my post. I think I have said enough. I will feel better in the morning. I usually do. I just needed someone to hear me out for a change.
Thanks!

I have SO been there on the food thing!
Oh, girl. Been there, done that. I call it the Hollow Chocolate Bunny feeling. It all looks sweet from the outside, but there ain't anything on the inside, and nothing at all can fill it up. Matter of fact, I am just coming out of that phase. Spent most of December in it.
It's really frustrating when you feel like there's a hole, but you don't really know where it is, or how to plug it. I like food and drink, but I don't lean toward overdoing them - I'm more likely to allow myself the one decadent expensive treat I don't have all the time, like a gourmet gelato, or a chocolate truffle. Or a double cheeseburger! And of course, I'm prone to beating myself up over the fact that I have no logical reason to be sad. I'm a smart person - I should know better! But it isn't that simple. And people who haven't been there Just Don't Get It.
You are taking the right step in seeing the psychologist and psychiatrist. Take that first step, and the others will be easier. :-)
I think your description of going down the rabbit hole is exactly right for the way I feel on bad days too. And I have the same thoughts on death, preoccupied mainly about who would look after the kids, and how they would manage and how they would get my body back to South Africa. So you are not alone on that. Nor with the eating. On my bad day earlier this week I ate two chocolate bars, a whole box of Oreos and some other stuff. I think. It gets so I can't even remember what I do on those days.
I also have a four year old and she is also picking up on my vibes, and has been acting out as a result. It was worrying me so I mentioned it to my doc and he said the best way to help her is to help me first, and then later on, when I am at suitable point, and if she is still giving problems, he'll bring her in too for a session so that we can deal with the situation as a family.
Best thing I can probably say is hang in there. You are not alone.
Hollow Chocolate Bunny feeling? I love that. *Making mental note of the phrase*