Something is wrong...(triggers!)
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| Tue, 01-11-2005 - 12:04pm |
...but I don't know what it is. I am new to this board and I will try to keep my story short. I have suffered from depression for many years. It stems from my childhood- my mom is an alcoholic and my dad left when I was 4- but was aggravated by codependency, a controlling husband, and postpartum depression. About a year ago I started taking Paxil, which I initiated on my own. My husband and I were in marriage counseling, but I wasn't seeing anyone on my own for depression. I began thinking about a separation from my husband, thinking I needed some time away to work through my feelings. He was extremely resistant, not understanding (or trying to understand) my illness and threatened divorce if I left. We have a daughter and he said he would "fight me for custody" if I tried to leave. As I said, he was controlling and manipulative, blaming me for everything that went wrong, accusing me of cheating, and threatening to take our daughter away from me. I was scared to leave, but scared to stay. I grew increasingly depressed, despite the medication, and eventually attempted suicide. I was hospitalized for a week and continued outpatient (hospital) therapy for 2 more weeks. Immediately after my suicide attempt, I realized how ill I was and that I wanted to make a change in my life. I began seeing my husband for who he really was and how his negative behavior was affecting me. I realized it was not a healthy marriage and I needed to get out. I filed for divorce, moved into my own place, and started rebuilding my life. Over the last 7 months, I have worked hard in my recovery and am proud to say that I am healthier, stronger, and happier than I have ever been. I haven't had any setbacks in my recovery, my medication is well-regulated, my therapy has been great, and I feel wonderful. The only negative is that I don't have custody of my daughter...my husband has been fighting me for custody and so far the court has been on his side because of my illness.
So, what's the problem? That's the thing: I don't know. Lately, I have been feeling like something is wrong, but I just can't figure out what it is. I am happy with my life, proud of myself for the progress I have made, and feeling strong. I have been dating someone for about two months and we have an amazing relationship. He is everything I have ever wanted in someone: he's caring, funny, sensitive, he likes me for who I am. For the first time in my life, I can be myself in a relationship, without feeling like I have to change. He understands my history and says everything I need him to say. And yet I am not happy. I feel like something is missing. I don't know if it is related to the relationship or something completely different. It is so frustrating to feel this way...I should be happy, my life is great, but I'm sad.
Thanks for listening.
Karen

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Karen))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Welcome to our board.
Thanks for the input. It makes a lot of sense and I definitely think you may be right. It sounds strange but it is a big adjustment to just be happy. When you have spent your entire life unhappy and expecting the worst to happen (especially when it usually does), you get used to things going wrong, having your heart broken, and being blamed for everything. I spent most of my life under the control of other people-physically and emotionally. Now that I have taken control of my life and said "I will be in charge of my feelings", I find myself in foreign territory. To compound matters, I finally have the love that I have been seeking for my entire life. One would expect me to be happy and content, but instead I feel as though it is going to be ripped from me at any moment. Or that maybe he will see me for who I really am and decide he doesn't want me.
I never thought I would have to adjust to being happy. It seems like such an oxymoron, but it appears as though it is common for those sufferring/recovering from depression. Thanks for your insight. I look forward to getting to know you also.
Thanks!
Karen
Karen
~Fake it 'til you make it~