TRIGGERS! Just getting it off my chest..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
TRIGGERS! Just getting it off my chest..
1
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 3:51pm
This is long, Im sorry, No one has to read just wanted to get it off my chest, i guess
Is there is certain point in your life when all of a sudden you know whats wrong? You know why your angry, jealous, upset? Maybe i havent hit that point. I am so angry, sad, frustrated with myself and everyone else around me, and it bothers me that i cant really put my finger on whats wrong. I know it stems from my childhood, My mom and dad divorced when i was 3 they only married 6 months before, I never seen my dad because he worked in flordia nad we lived in NY. My mom was never without a boyfriend and always made sure to convince me that my dad didnt love me as much as she did. My dad took us away from her when we were 7 (my sister and i) She fought for us but she didnt take care of us well enough so he took us. I was angry, My mom told me that by living with my dad that ment i didnt love her. SO to prove i did i had to be a "bad girl " for Daddy and step mommy. I was very rebelous. I hate myself for that because now in my adult hood i know my mother was never worth all that, My dad hates me, and my mother never speaks to me unless she wants something. My dad now has 4 new children ages 4-14 and they have everything i ever wanted. I had nothing. I am s jealous for that but i feel very petty for feeling this way. I had my son when i was 16 and i am still with the man but he treated me like crap for 5 years, weve been married 5 and together 9, things are ok now but i dont trust him, feel like he doesnt really love me, i hate myself, blah blah blah, theres alot worse things but im sure you all are bored by now. maybe non of this makes sense but i needed to get this stuff out. Ive tried therapy but i feel stupid talking to someone, i feel like im not as bad as i feel, There are worse people out there BUT I just cant get over this crap. I didnt even put the half of it down. I dont know how to even put it together in my head, Im so confused.
No one has to reply to this i just needed to write and hope that someone out there would hear me. This is pointless, No one cares anyways, and i just am making things worse then they should be. Maybe this isnt whats causing me to feel this way at all, But i just dont know. Its all i can think about, My dad, my mom, my kids, my husband, having no family, feeling empty, pain, heartbreak, sad, guilty, helpless. I am a worthless human being and i make no impact on this world, im making things worse for my kids, my husband and my mom and dad if they even know im alive. I wouldnt know it i havent talked (really talked) to them since i was a child.
Anyways, if any of you read this im sorry, im sure your confused..
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 10:13pm

(((((Babs))))), you're wrong that nobody cares -- we care.