Could I feel any lower?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Could I feel any lower?
4
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 10:26pm

I haven't posted in so long. I had really been doing quite good. Until now. I really need to vent! Please bear with me! Friday I had to have surgery to have a lump removed from my falopian tube and uterus. All went okay, just miserable still. Then Sunday at 1 in the morning I get a call that my dad had been flown to a nearby heart hospital with heart trouble. He just had a quad bypass a year ago and only 30% of his heart works now. Still don't know what's going on for sure with him and it's killing me not to be able to be there. My mom is not stable. She is in the advanced stages of Parkinsons and this is very difficult for her. Then today we get the news that my father in law has two types of cancers and in the late stage. How much more can I take? I'm so sick to my stomach, my nerves are a complete disaster and I cannot stop crying. Which isn't helping the pain from my surgery. Just when I was reaching out and feeling good, I feel like I've been hit by a semi and down six feet under again. I just want this all to end. I want to feel human again for more than a few months. Why does this always have to happen? I feel like I'm being punished. I know that isn't true. My therapist is my rock and has done wonders for me. I know I need to call her and let her know what is going on. I'm just losing that desire to keep trying. Everytime I'm up I get bashed back down. I want my life back. It's affecting everything and everyone around me. I just don't know who to turn to except here to vent. My dh is going thru his own hell with his father and my problems. Please, someone help me! What happened to the strength I had just a few weeks ago?

I'm sorry this got so long. I just had to let it out!

Thanks to anyone who reads this!
Chris


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Mom to furangel, Chelse
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 10:49pm

I think it's healthy to vent and I'm sorry about everything that's going on in your life. I can't even begin to put myself in your shoes. You should be proud of yourself for even being STRONG enough to TRY to cope with everything going on around you. I don't have any answers - just the encouragement to you that things do get better. You should find something small that you enjoy doing (that maybe you haven't done in a while) to make yourself feel "human" again. Try slowing down and breathing for once. Good luck.

Zenia
http://www.pixelmud.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 10:56pm

(((((Chris))))) There are so many people who have told me that we are never given more burdens than we can handle. I'll be honest, I am not sure that that is not a load of garbage. It gets hard, life. It just does.

I want you to know that I know that feeling. I am not sure why I keep getting up. Somedays it is not for me. My neice....my best friend...my nana...somedays I get back up for me. Little old me. But you are right it is hard.

I can't give you any whys. I can tell you that you are not being punished. Stuff happens. There is not grand design that someone out there is punishing you.

I can only tell you that every single person who is on this board knows exactly how you feel. Heck depression some days makes getting milk a life's torture. lol

Know that you are handling a lot. KNow that you are right to rely on your therapist. Call that therapist and give yourself some priority time. You definitely deserve it.

I hope it helps to know that I for one have felt this same way. I am a good person, and I too am tired of life kicking me. But we get back up...and we post to someone we care about. Because we can.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)

Co-CL Depression Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 4:04pm

Thanks so much Lisa and Zenia! I woke up this morning and just didn't think I was going to make it thru the day. I couldn't stop crying, nothing was working. So, I picked up the phone and called my therapist. She is such an angel, she stopped everything and made me come in right then and there. I had no babysitter so she had another therapist keep my daughter busy. I cried and cried until I just couldn't any more. It really did help and I've finally stopped crying. Of course my eyes look like I've been in a boxing match. I'm sure I'll still pay for this episode for the next few days. It always takes my stomach a few days to catch up. Surgery wise I do feel a little better today. No negative news on my dad as of yet and am waiting on more tests on my father in law as I write this. I try to keep my faith in God, but I also believe that the line that "we're only given what we can handle" is a line of bull also. Sometimes my faith wavers, but I know the good Lord is in my heart, sometimes others just need him more. Thanks so much for your support. I'm trying to keep my chin up and keep functioning. Tomorrow is another day, right?

Chris


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Mom to furangel, Chelse
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 4:20pm

(((Chris)))

I'm so glad there has been no bad news. That's good news right. I'm also glad you have such a terrific t. Wow, what some of them do for us huh!?!

I'm sorry for what you're going through, but glad that you're feeling better. I hope that as you recover physically your depression lifts. Be careful though and remember to take care of you and don't push your physical healing too quickly.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Whether God gives us what we can handle or more than we can handle, I think that he gives us those around us to love help and support us during all that we handle. I know that you and dh will be strong for each other.

Lots of (((Hugs)))

mel

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