alone in the world
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alone in the world
| Tue, 01-11-2005 - 11:07pm |
I made an appointment today to see if I really do have depression. I can't remeber the last day that I was happy. I feel alone in the world but I don't know why? I have family, friends, a husband. But no one will understand. I can't stop it. I cry and cry and cry so much I can't breath. I'm trapped in this world and I don't know if I'm pushing people away or if they just don't see how sad I really am. The fights with my husband get worse everytime. Boo hoo stop crying he says, I want to but I can't stop for hours I'll cry. I get so angry I hit him. Not wanting to hurt him I know I don't want to hurt him so I aim for his legs hoping he'll move fast enough that I don't hit him. I'm sorry, I really didn't want to hurt you. I don't know what to do. So angry, So sad. Who really knows me. I don't even know me. Do I even want to know me? I'm such a horrible person, I dont want to be. Is there and ending to this Story? Could someone make me stop crying and feeling that noone is out there to hear me? When will the saddness and angry end in my life?

I can't remember the last time I was happy either, hun. Well yes I can, about a week ago when my husband was pretending to be affectionate towards me and show me kindness.. then he stopped out of nowhere and I've been a wreck. I know how you feel because I have this rage inside me and I get angry over such stupid things but its like no one understands and I am supposed to just be smiles and hugs every second, nothing is supposed to bother me. I haven't hit my husband yet because I am afraid that he will hit back or that I will really hurt him... he called me a bitch once and I jumped from my chair and nearly knocked his teeth out.. thankfully I had a sliver of control left inside me and stopped myself but I know how it feels to be a time bomb and to feel like theres no one. My husband says that I have multi-personalities and that I'm moody and psycho. It hurts more then anything to have someone say that to you because they don't get it. I dont have any advice for you because I dont know how to fix myself but you have my prayers and I hope that things get easier.
Nikki