I need to go but I don't know where to
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I need to go but I don't know where to
| Sat, 01-15-2005 - 4:42am |
Hi, I'm new to this group, my name is Mary, I'm 47 and over weight. There is so much to say to describe my crisis. I feel swamped, over loaded, numb, angry, neglected and dismissed. I live with clutter that over whelms me in every room. When things start getting to much for me to deal with, I make it much worse. I choose to stop answering the phone, eat or watch TV all day. Sleep with my clothes on in the basement on the floor and not bath for several days. I have a huge problem with pharmaceutical meds. Even when they work, I stop taking them. There is just something about me not believing I was ever deficient in them in the first place. I have many times thought of suicide by pills, but I think I don't because I don't want my grown daughter to know I actually did it. Also I feel God would not be pleased about it and It wouldn't be a perfect situation in heaven because of it. My mother died of a heart attack Nov 14th. I thought is would be an ok way to just get off the negative merry-go-round of my life. So slept and ate. I ate and ate to the point it hurt I was so full and an hour later I'd eat more. I have gained 40lbs in 2 months. My belly now hangs over itself. This last week I have been having pressure heart pains. I hadn't been out of the house since before Christmas. I do have a husband who doesn't know what to do with me so he avoids everything. Somedays we don't say one word to each other. Other days we talk about the weather, bills, something on TV or about someone he spoke to. Well tonight I actually had more heart pressure pain with small sharp in my right arm pit. I actually felt a bit scared, maybe I really did it this time. I found an aspirin and chewed it. And thought I should try again to find a way out of my mess. I know my environment is toxic to me. I need to get away from here, but I don't know where to go. I've placed myself in hospitals before and when I come back home, my ciaos is here to greet me and beckons me back into my despair. I've been to counseling and to every counselor in the area. I usually tire of them or find a reason to not like them. They just listen. I REALLY don't think any has helped me. My attitude about taking meds is very stubborn, but it is what I believe. I know in my head about God and I know what he can do and has done, so I don't want to be preached to.(you all can pray without letting me know) I just know I need a physical hand and a place to go that will really see me through all of this so it becomes a life change not a bandage.
I have Blue Plus Insurance from Minnesota.
I have Blue Plus Insurance from Minnesota.

Welcome, I can so relate to so much of your post. Your first few lines I thought: "Gee, I could have written that." There is a lot that this place has to offer. There will be many "me toos".
I have been a member of the "no shower" club. I have enough clutter for 12 folks (yikes, I live alone). I actually invited someone to stay with me for a night or two so that I would force myself to clean up.
There is a book that Caly (one of our other CL's has recommmended):
Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think
By Dennis Greenberger, and Christine Padesky
It is about Cognitive Behavior Therapy. Which may not be a type of therapy you have tried. Look into it, it may be just the thing for you.
Post to folks here, read...or whatever. But know that you will find a place among these amazing women. We know...we really do.
Welcome again.
Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
Co-CL Depression Support Board
Mary,
The state of depression you are in sounds very sincere. It also sounds like you have a lot to be concerned about regarding your health. Have you been to a hospital about the most recent heart situation?
It is very difficult to do anything when you are in extreme depression. That said, no one can save you but yourself. Counseling can help tremendously. Personally, I got to a point where I knew I had to throw myself into my therapy work, because I couldn't take being in the pain anymore. I knew that if I didn't force myself to change, I would end up killing myself to finally escape the pain.
If you have found that hopitalization has helped in the past, you might try that again. This time have your husband hire a cleaning/organizing service to go through your house while you are out. Then you won't have to come home to the chaos. It sounds like you don't want to take it on yourself.
Therapy helped me, but I was also on medication. I used to be against medication, but I figured trying it would be better than dying. It was a last resort.
No one else can save you. Depression is horrible, but it is very curable. Medications help a vast majority of people. Therapy and medication used together help almost 90% of the people. It's up to you if you want to stay stubborn about your beliefs, or you want to get out of your own personal nightmare.
Good Luck. Our thoughts and even our prayers are with you.
MariaC