Dark Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2005
Dark Days
4
Sat, 01-15-2005 - 3:27pm
I need help. I think I am depressed. I feel so alone in the world, and I don't know what to do. It seems like everything is going downhill in my life. My husband and I are struggling financially, and we also have recently tried to get pregnant, and are not getting pregnant after 2 and 1/2 years. I feel no family support, I live 3 hours from my sister (who is my best friend) and 1 1/2 hours from my parents. I feel isolated and alone. No family, no family of my own, no life. All of my friends are out having babies and raising families, and I feel so alone and sad. My husband and I have begun fighting all of the time. I was crying the other night, just by myself on my bed, and he started asking what was wrong. I told him, and he was so unsupportive. He basically, in so many words, said "get over it, you have a great life." That hurt me so much. He then called one of his friends and I overhear him talking to his friend about how I have been so "down and out recently" and about all of the things he is "having to deal with." I felt totally disrespected, and I told him so. I do not think he needs to be sharing my personal feelings and struggles with other people outside of our relationship, and acting like I am some big burden. Those things are private! We got into a huge screaming match, and said a lot of hurtful things to eachother. We never used to fight, and now we do constantly, and we have only been married 2 and 1/2 years. I am not looking forward to the next 60 years anymore.So, now, my marriage feels like its falling apart, too. I feel like my life is worthless and in shambles, and I don't really know what the point of living is. I mean, I can't have kids apparently, I have no close family, my marriage is falling apart, and I can't relate to my friends...........Why am I here? What is the point of my life? I wish I knew.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 12:19pm

First of all, don't panic about not becoming pregnant yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2005
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 1:20pm

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. DH and I had a heart-to heart (FINALLY) this morning, and have gotten out some emotions that we were both holding in and letting out by way of arguing with eachother recently. I feel much better about our relationship together, but am still sad about the infertility issue. I know that it can take a while, but DH was born with hypospaidas (congenitive disfiguring of the penis where the urethra is located at the bottom of the shaft rather than the tip - he had corrective surgery as a child).....so we are unsure how that effects things. We are considering fertility testing, and plan on doing it, but insurance does not cover it and we don't have the money until after tax time! It stinks that the hold up is money, but thats the story of my life.

I guess I just want to know if something is wrong that way we can decide if we want to take any necessary steps, if needed, to help us get pregnant. It is just hard to talk to friends that get pregnant after like 2 months and are like "oh my gosh, it was just like boom, we're pregnant!" I just want to say "yeah, good for you." but I dont, because I am a nice person, and I am happy for them. :)

I do work outside of the home - hubby and I work together, which is a whole separate issue. It is hard sometimes, and makes it hard on the marriage, I think. It is difficult to come home to the same person you just saw all day and want to spend time with them. We work side by side, basically. It is not as if I can go home and say, "That guy at work pissed me off royally" because I would be talking about DH to DH! On weekends, when I want to hang out, he often says "We were together all week!" And how do I argue with that? I have brought up the possibility of us not working together anymore, but I am his assistant, and keep him completely organized, so anytime I bring it up he gets really upset and says that he "needs me so much at work" etc.....

I just feel like there is so much on my plate right now, I feel overwhelmed.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 2:10pm

I am glad you and your DH had a heart to heart this morning.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2005
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 7:54pm

Thank you for the warm welcome.

You are right about finding activities that I can do on my own - I think one of my complaints about the our situation is that I feel like when we are at work, I am his assistant, organizing him and making sure things go smoothly (we are self-employed, full comission)....and then when we get home, it is hard to get out of that mode and get into relationship mode. I feel like I am still in assistant mode! That has started to make me feel like the marriage is 90% me and 10% him.....rather than 50/50.

I recently got a gym membership and have been enjoying time there....and I have been reading a lot more books....I think we just spend SOOO much time together that when we are NOT together, I am like.."Oh, I have alone time.....what now?" And I dont quite know what to do with myself.